Should Have Stayed Clear Of The Bottle

| UK | Right | June 11, 2013

(I work in a little cafe near my friend’s dojo. She often comes by after practice. A shifty looking man enters, approaches the counter, and pulls a knife.)

Robber: “Empty the f****** till.”

(I start to do so. I see my friend approaching through the window. It’s a cold day, so she’s wearing a hoody with her judo jacket over the top. I try and get her attention.)

Robber: “Hurry the f*** up!”

(I drop some money under the counter in my fear. I bend down to pick it up. The man rests his knife hand on the counter, and leans over to make sure I’m not phoning the police.)

My Friend: “Everything okay?”

Me: “Yeah… just… getting this man his change.”

(My voice is shaking. She can tell something is up. She crosses to the fridge cabinet.)

My Friend: “Oh, you’ve still got [brand drink]. It comes in a glass bottle! Just what I need after practice!”

(She comes up behind the man and, without warning, slams the bottle down on the hand holding the knife. She slams hard enough to shatter the bottle. He screams, dropping the knife. He grabs for it with his other hand, but she wraps one arm around his throat and puts the broken bottle to the underside of his chin.)

My Friend: “Don’t even think about it.”

(I call the police, and the robber is arrested. My friend is warned about using excessive force, and given a lifetime supply of free drinks by my manager.)

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Law And Order: The Next Generation

| Australia | Right | June 11, 2013

(A customer approaches the counter with curtains in her hand. Her 15-year-old daughter hovers around.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am! Those curtains will be a total of $45, at $15 a piece.”

Customer: “What? No, the sign said $5 a piece.”

Me: “Really? I’m very sorry for the inconvenience, ma’am; I was told not to sell these specific curtains for any less than $15. We are a charity drive, so I hope you understand the pricing.”

Customer: “No, you don’t get it. These curtains were over there on that rack, and it said $5! You are bound, by law, to sell me these at this pri—”

(The daughter interrupts.)

Customer’s Daughter: “Actually, she’s not. The sign beside the curtains could have been referring to any number of things. That said, even if we were to assume that it referred to the curtains themselves, it would only constitute an invitation to treat, which is something very different to an offer. You know as well as I do that both an offer and an acceptance are needed to form a contract. By taking the curtains to the counter, you’re offering, and by disagreeing with an express term of the contract—in this case, the price—this lovely lady who’s merely performing her job is not accepting. Therefore, no contract has been formed.”

Customer: “I… I… shut up!”

(The customer storms out of the shop.)

Me: “Thank you!”

Customer’s Daughter: “No problem. I just finished a semester on contract law, and she’s done this in the past three stores we’ve gone to. I hope things look up for you!”

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Things I Won’t Miss About The Cafe

| Right | June 11, 2013

SHOP1

Circuit City – A Great Place To Live

| Right | June 11, 2013

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His Argument Isn’t Loaded

| Knoxville, TN, USA | Right | June 11, 2013

(A customer buys 30 heavy bags of mulch; each weighs 40lbs. They’re already on a cart and just need to be loaded. The customer is a young man.)

Customer: “So, yeah, I’ll need you to load these for me. I just had shoulder surgery.”

Me: “Okay. Well, I can call someone—”

Customer: “No, don’t call someone, then I’ll have to wait! You can load them.”

Me: “Well, actually, I pulled a muscle in my back, and I’m not supposed to be lifting heavy things. I’ll call someone for you.”

Customer: “That’s bull! You d*** b****! You’re just lazy!”

(An elderly customer comes over.)

Elderly Customer: “Excuse me, sir! How dare you speak to a young lady like that, and demand she load your mulch? You should be ashamed of yourself!”

Customer: “F*** you! She’s just d*** lazy! I had shoulder surgery! This is ridiculous!”

Elderly Customer: “If you had shoulder surgery, how did you get all that mulch on the cart to start with?”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll load it my d*** self!”

(The customer storms off.)

Me: “Ma’am, you are my new favorite customer.”

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