The Short, Rainbow-Colored Bridge From Injured Pride To Pride Parades

, | Minnesota, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer and his son approach the counter. Note that the son is no more than 11 or 12 years-old.)

Customer: “Hey, my son has something to ask you.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer’s son: “Will you wanna go out with me?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Come on, it’s his first time asking a girl out! If you turn him down, he might get discouraged and go gay. You don’t want to turn him gay, do you?!”

By Virtue Of The Authority Vested In Me, Enjoy 20% Off

| Annapolis, MD, USA | Uncategorized

(The customer is a very pregnant woman in the process of being rung up and has just seen the subtotal on her purchase. She then awkwardly drops to one knee in front of the register.)

Customer: “Will you marry me?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I really need you to marry me right now. That would get me a discount, right?”

(Four or five awkward seconds pass as I stand there, speechless and not sure what to say in response.)

Customer: “Hurry up. My knee is starting to hurt!”

Don’t Take Customers At Face Value, Part 2

| King of Prussia, PA, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Do you know who you look like? You bear a striking resemblance to her!”

Me: “No, who?”

Customer: “Casey Anthony!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *slowly backs away*

Don’t Take Customers At Face Value

It’s Never Too Late To Find Your Higher Calling, Part 2

| Northridge, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(A frantic, middle-aged man rushes to the check-in counter at my hospital.)

Patient: “I need a doctor!”

Me: “What’s seems to be your problem, sir?”

Patient: “I don’t feel good! My heartbeat is racing fast! I can’t see straight. I need a doctor NOW!”

Me: “Sir, please calm down. When did you start having these symptoms? Did you take any medication today?”

Patient: “I don’t know! It started after I smoked that joint. It was my first time!”

It’s Never Too Late To Find Your Higher Calling

Little Bite-Sized Lies

, | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Uncategorized

(It’s 11:30 pm and the fast food restaurant I work at has already closed at 11:00 pm. I am standing at the counter finishing the cashout when a customer walks in.)

Customer: “Hi, give me a teen burger combo.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re closed now. The restaurant was only open until eleven.”

Customer: *ignores me* “I’d like onion rings instead of fries.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t make you any food right now. Everything is off and we are closed.”

Customer: “What? That’s f***ing ridiculous! My daughter is in the hospital and I need to get something to eat!”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am, but I can’t re-open the store for you.”

Customer: “That’s bulls**t! What the f*** am I supposed to do now?!”

Me: “Well, I believe there’s a another fast food restaurant just down the street that’s open 24 hours–”

Customer: “No! No! Don’t f***ing tell me to go there! My nephew is in the hospital and I am not going to bring him food from another f***ing restaurant!”

Me: “Ma’am, I thought it was your daughter in the hospital.”

(The customer freezes for a moment before realizing her mistake.)

Customer: “F*** you!” *leaves*

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