A Gay A Day Keeps The Terror Away

| Illinois, USA | Bizarre, Top

(I’m a bank teller. I have just politely told a customer I could not cash his friend’s check without his friend present.)

Customer: “This is ridiculous! Why would I lie? This is a good check.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can only give the money to the person whose name is on the check. It’s nothing personal. It’s just a bank regulation to protect against fraud.”

Customer: “Oh, I get it. All this 9/11 crap, huh?”

Me: “Ha, yeah.”

Customer: “You know, people say that those terrorists want to kill Americans because we have gay people here, but that’s not true.”

Me: “Oh, yeah?”

Customer: “Yeah, we should be blaming heterosexual people. They’re the ones giving birth to those d*** terrorists!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Well, have a good day. Try to become a lesbian…for America’s sake!”

All Fingers And Thumbs (Well, Mostly Thumbs)

| Edinburgh, UK | Uncategorized

(While working at a large chain supermarket, a regular named Joe comes in acting strangely.)

Me: “Hey Joe, you’re not looking well, mate. Something up?”

Joe: “Yeah, I’m not too good. I had an accident at home and I need to go to the hospital. Just got the wife to stop here first for a few things.

Me: “Oh, sorry, man. Hope everything’s okay.”

Joe: “Im sure I’ll be fine. Can I have a bottle of [vodka], please?”

Me: “Sure thing. £7.99, please.”

(Joe then reaches for his wallet. Upon pulling it out, he also drops a freshly severed thumb onto my till, covering everything in blood. I then notice his hand is taped inside a sandwich bag, which, by now, is full of blood.)

Me: “Holy s***!

Joe: “Yeah, that’ll teach the b**** for making me cook dinner!”

More Than Just Your Car Needs Cleaning

| Long Island, NY, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Top

Me: “Hi, how are you today? Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “Here you go. Do you all do any detailing here?”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t. I can recommend a place.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I just really need to get my car sodomized.”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Manager: *walks in*

Customer, to my manager: “Do you know a good sodomizer? It’s been ages since I had it done.”

Manager: *walks out*

79% Water, 21% Fat-Headed

| Germany | Books & Reading, Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

Customer: “Do you stock world maps here?”

Me: “Sure.”

(I show the woman some maps of varying sizes.)

Customer: “Those maps depict so much water. Don’t you have any without so much water in them?”

I Left My Job In San Fresno

| Fresno, CA, USA | Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have a reservation under [name]. I’m at the airport and need a shuttle to pick me up.”

Me: “Sure thing, sir. I’ll send it right out! Just wait by the taxi island outside of baggage claim.”

(About 15 minutes later, the driver calls me saying he can’t see anyone. At the same time the customer calls back.)

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering if the shuttle was on its way.”

Me: “The driver is out there now, sir, and has circled around but says he can’t see anyone. Are you by baggage claim at the taxi island?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m by the cabs on the second level.”

Me: “Wait, second level? Sir, what airport are you at now?”

Customer: “At San Francisco airport, of course.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but you’re in San Francisco.”

Customer: “Yeah, I just said that!”

Me: “This hotel is in Fresno.”

Customer: “Yeah, Fresno is like a suburb, right?”

Me: “We’re about two hours away in central California.”

Customer: “Oh my God, it’s midnight and I have an interview at 7am in Fresno. I’m screwed!”

(I directed the customer to information. Thankfully, he was able to find one last rental car place open, and made it just in time to change for his interview.)

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