Pick Yourself Up And Try Again…Somewhere Else

| Memphis, TN, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m a waitress. This customer has come here before, and always asks for me as his server.)

Me: “Is everything all right?”

Customer: “Yeah, everything’s great.”

Me: *smile* “All right! Is there anything else I can get you?”

Customer: “Um, your phone number?”

Me: “Uh, no, sorry.”

Customer: *looks sad* “Aww.”

Me: “Sorry, but hey, you tried!”

Zombies Need Debt Too

| Illinois, USA | Money, Zombies

(I work in customer service for a chain store credit card. I get a call from a manager, calling on behalf of a customer.)

Manager: “Hi, one of our customers just applied for a store card and she’d like to use it today. Can you look that up for me?”

(After pulling up the application, I see that the name on the application doesn’t match the customer’s name. However, for security reasons, I’m not allowed to come right out and say that.)

Me: “I’m afraid that application was declined due to some of the information not matching. Usually this means a typo somewhere. Could you have your customer try again, please?”

Manager: “Okay, she just tried it again. Did it go through this time?”

Me: “No, it’s still saying that the information isn’t matching. Um, you keep saying ‘she’, but on the application, it says ‘Mr.’. Is she applying jointly with someone?”

Manager: “I’ll ask.” *pause* “Okay, she says everything she does is in her late husband’s name, so that’s the social security number she’s using.”

Me: “Thank you. I’m not sure how her temperament is, so we’re going to have to be delicate about this. Could you very tactfully let her know that [store name] does not issue credit to dead people?”

Manager: *laughs* “Will do. Thank you!”

Let’s Address How You’re Even Dressing Yourself

, | Seattle, WA, USA | Extra Stupid

(A customer in her mid-30s approaches me. Note that we use the same standard sizing that is commonly found in other clothing stores.)

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “What size am I?”

Me: “Well, what size clothes are you wearing right now?”

Customer: “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”

Me: “Well, why don’t we get you a size that looks right and you try those on?”

Customer: “And then what?”

Me: “If they’re too big, then you try on the size that’s smaller until you find the right one.”

Customer: “Great idea. Thank you!”

DNR, Aisle 3

| Portland, OR, USA | At The Checkout

(An elderly gentleman approaches my register, unloads a few groceries onto the belt, and waits while I begin ringing his items up.)

Me: “Hello, sir! How are you doing today?”

Customer: *very angrily* “FINE!”

Me: “Did you happen to find everything okay today?”

Customer: “NO!”

Me: “I am so sorry, sir. Is there anything that I can help you with today?”

Customer: *very loudly exclaiming* “I’m alive, aren’t I?!”

Related:
With Each (Not) Passing Day

So Much For Spit & Run

, | Copenhagen, Denmark | At The Checkout, Top, Wild & Unruly

(In our store, all cash registers have a button that’ll ring a bell in out lunchroom and back room if a cashier is in danger. I hear the bell ring, and run out to find my boss, who has also run out to check on the cashier.)

Boss: “What happened?”

Cashier: “A customer threatened to beat me over short change, even though I gave him the correct change. He just left a second ago!”

(My boss and I walk out the store and quickly spot the customer in question. He’s not hard to miss, as he’s now cursing at his wife.)

Me: “Did you threaten my coworker?”

Customer: “Yeah. So?!”

Boss: “I’m gonna have to ask you to come back in with us so we can sort this out.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

(The customer runs across the road, so my boss and I run after him as quickly as possibly. We finally catch up with him on the park lawn on the other side of the road.)

Boss: “[My name], grab his bags.”

(Before I can react, my boss has tackled him from behind using an American football tackle and hammerlocked him before picking him up from the ground.)

Customer: “When we get to the back room, I’m gonna punch your lights out!”

Boss: “You’re welcome to try.”

Customer: *shuts up*

(We call the cops, and after a few minutes they get here. We explain everything as his wife pleads with the cops.)

Cop: “We’re gonna let you off with a 300 kroner ticket if you apologize to every—”

Customer: *spits on cop* “Screw you!”

Cop: “…and now, you’re going to jail!”

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