They Don’t Insure Against Dumb

| Texas, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in a human resources call center. I’m walking an employee through electing her benefits online. She says she is getting an error message when she tries to save her changes.)

Caller: “It says, ‘check here to opt out of health insurance or check here to select [insurance provider].’ What should I click?”

Me: “Well, if you want to opt out of health insurance, click on the top one. If you want [insurance provider], click the bottom one.”

Caller: “I don’t understand. What’s the difference between the two?”

Me: “One is health insurance and the other one is no health insurance.”

Caller: *pause* “Oh.”

Not So Modest Aspirations

| Europe | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

(I’m speaking with a three year old girl as I serve her mother.)

Me: “Do you like the pharmacy? Do you think you will be a pharmacist when you grow up?”

Girl: “No! I will be a dancer!”

Me: “Oh, a dancer! That’s nice! Like in a dance group?”

Girl: “No! On the pole!”

You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Make

| Detroit, MI, USA | Rude & Risque

(An elderly woman walks onto the lot from and begins asking me about a car.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, what can I help you with today?”

Customer: “What can you tell me about this red car?”

Me: “This is a 1999 Volvo V70.”

Customer: “A Vulva! My grand-daughter has a vulva! Her boyfriend said he absolutely loves it!”

(I unsuccessfully try to keep a straight face.)

Me: “I’m sure he does, ma’am.”

You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 4
You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 3
You Got The Wrong(est) Item, Part 2

Pointing Out The Obvious

| Luton, UK | Family & Kids, Top

(A 4-year-old child has trapped her finger in a door, so I’m going over the accident form with her mother when she comes to pick her up.)

Mother: “Index finger? What the h*** is that?”

Me: *showing her* “This one here.”

Mother: “What? That’s a pointer-finger.”

Me: “Well, yes, but in medicine it’s called the index finger.”

Mother: “That’s not true. I’ve never heard that. Is that supposed to be funny? Just because I’m a woman–”

Me: “Well, no–”

Mother: “Yes, it is! What kind of a man works at a nursery anyway?”

Child: “A man who knows about fingers!”

Noon, Not Too Soon

| Albuquerque, NM, USA | Uncategorized

(One of my regulars walks into the store on a Sunday morning.)

Customer: “Sir? Are you selling alcohol today?”

Me: “Yeah, but not until noon.”

(The man stares at me blankly before replying.)

Customer: “So, like one?”

Me: “No, at noon.”

Customer: “So, one then?”

(I am rather confused at this point because I know he hears what I’m saying.)

Me: “No, noon’s before one.”

(He starts getting really upset with me.)

Customer: “What is this ‘noon’? I don’t know what a ‘noon’ is! Where is a ‘noon’ on a clock? Does it say ‘noon’ on your clock? When is that?!”

(I stand there dumbfounded for a few seconds.)

Me: “Twelve, sir.”

Customer: “Thank you!” *leaves store*

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