Suffering Some Confucian About Where He Is

| Beijing, China | Right | August 12, 2013

(My coworker is a tour guide for American groups in Beijing.)

Tourist: “Is there a Chinatown here?”

Coworker: “…I’m sorry?”

Tourist: “Well, most major cities have a Chinatown. I just wanted to see if I could visit the one in this city.”

Coworker: “You do know what country you’re in right?”

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Translation Kollaboration

| NY, USA | Right | August 12, 2013

(Campus security has stopped a lost visitor, and is trying to work out where he wants to go. The visitor speaks very poor English, but the officer is trying his best.)

Visitor: “I want go, skink labatree.”

Security: “You wanna go where?”

Visitor: “A skink labatree.”

Security: “Oh, that’s, like, a little lizard. Reptile lab? Lizards? Snakes?”

Visitor: “No, no, a skink labatree. Kell skinky.”

Security: “Kill? Like, animal disposal?”

Visitor: “No, no! I want call my daughter, but…”

(The visitor holds up a cell phone.)

Visitor: “No battery!”

Security: “Ahh, okay. Wanna try mine?”

(Security offers the visitor his phone.)

Visitor: “No, no, I don’t know she kell. No battery my kell.”

Security: “Hold up a sec.”

(Security points to his cell phone.)

Visitor: “Kell phone, no battery!”

Security: “Kell laboratory?”

Visitor: “Kell labatree!”

Security: *scribbling on a piece of paper* “Skink?”

Visitor: *overjoyed* “Yes! Skink labatree!”

Security: “Okay, let’s go!”

(On the paper: “SCIENCE.” I later learned that the visitor had taught himself English almost entirely by reading, and assumed all ‘C’s were hard ‘K’s.)

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Needs A Bridge To Reality

| Jamaica | Right | August 12, 2013

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to rent a car, but can I drive it to the United States?”

Me: “Pardon? I don’t understand.”

Customer: “Can I drive the car back to the United States?”

Me: “How did you get to Jamaica?”

Customer: “I flew here, why?”

Me: “Didn’t you see the ocean underneath you from the airplane?”

Customer: “No, I slept the whole way here. Wait. What ocean?”

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Karkat, Thor, And Loki Walk Into A Bar…

, | Manchester, England, UK | Right | August 12, 2013

(A con is going on nearby, and the fast food joint is full of people in cosplay. A rather attractive woman—dressed as a cheerleader with a pink chainsaw—leaves the building with her friends. They are whistled at by two rowdy customers entering.)

Customer #1: “Hey dude, check out all these freaks in here!”

Customer #2: “Oh, God! They’re everywhere! F****** freaks.”

Customer #1: *to a male cosplayer in front of him* “Oi mate, what the f*** are you supposed to be?”

Male Cosplayer #1: “M-me? I’m ‘Karkat’ from Homestuck.”

Customer #1: “Well, you look like a joke. What the f*** are those on your head?”

(The customer flicks the orange horns clipped to the cosplayer’s hair.)

Male Cosplayer #1: “Please don’t do that; I made these myself and I don’t want them to break.”

Customer #2: “You hear that? The little freak made his own horns! Ah, I guess it’s not all bad though; did you see that chick before with the massive rack?”

Customer #1: “I know, you don’t see hot cheerleaders everyday. She’s totally going to get it off me later.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, we’ll find her and give it to her good. I’m going to squeeze those t*** of her so hard.”

Male Cosplayer #1: “Can you please stop?! It’s really degrading to talk about women like that.”

(The whole restaurant goes quiet, and they turn to the rowdy customers.)

Customer #1: “If the slag didn’t want it, should wouldn’t have them hanging out.”

Male Cosplayer #1: “She was in costume! Besides, what does it matter how she was dressed? Clothing isn’t an invitation.”

Customer #2: “Do you want to take this outside?”

(Just then, another male customer in the corner, who also happens to be a cosplayer, speaks up.)

Male Cosplayer #2: “If you fight him, you have to fight me first!”

Customer #2: “Who said that?”

(Male Cosplayer #2 stands up to reveal he is well over 6 ft tall, and very muscular, but in costume too.)

Male Cosplayer #2: “I am Thor, Son of Odin, God of Thunder, who commands the Lightning and the Storm!”

(At that moment, a third cosplayer stands up, revealing he too is very tall and muscular.)

Male Cosplayer #3: “And I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose… to defend women from sexist pigs like you, and defend people’s right to cosplay!”

(The two rowdy customers quickly remove themselves from the restaurant, while Karkat, Thor and Loki receive a round of applause.)

Related:
Link, Nyu And Sephiroth Walk Into A Bar…

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It Gets Worse

| Right | August 12, 2013

Here’s a parody of “It Gets Better” ad but this time it’s about customer service industry. It’s aptly named “It Gets Worse.”

Via

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