Someone’s Been Sliced Down To Size

| Sarasota, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners

Customer: “Can I have this loaf of bread sliced?”

Me: “Absolutely. Would you like that sliced thin or regular?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know what you call it, but I want it sliced like this…”

(He pulls slice of bread from his pocket and hands it to me.)

Customer: “You can keep that. The wife and I couldn’t agree on how thick it was, so I thought it would be best to bring in a piece from the last loaf and let an expert look at it. ”

(At this point I’m a little dumbfounded, and trying hard to keep a straight face.)

Customer: “Yeah, the wife’s idea of four inches and my idea of four inches aren’t exactly the same thing, if you know what I mean.”

(I slice the loaf of bread for the man and hand it to him.)

Me: *laughing* “Here’s your bread, sir. Have a nice day.”

The Elephant In The Room

| Fergus, ON, Canada | Bizarre

(An older customer brings up washer fluid.)

Me: “Hi, sir, will this be all?”

Customer: “Yes.” *whispers* “It’s good for keeping the elephants away.”

Me: “Oh…well, have a nice day!”

Human Interaction Is For Slackers

| Normal, IL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thanks for calling [bank]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I need my balance.”

Me: “Sure, do you have your account number?”

Customer: “Don’t you have a phone number I can call where I don’t have to talk to a live person?”

Me: “Yes, we do, but I’d be more than happy to check that balance for you.”

Customer: “No, I’ll just take that other number.”

Me: “Okay, it’s [phone number].”

Customer: “Thanks! Now, I don’t need to talk to a live person!”

Doctor, We’ve Got A Serious Case Of Self Loathing

| Missouri, USA | Technology

(This occurs at the end of a tech support call. I’ve taken the customer through troubleshooting steps that worked, resulting in the customer being back online. He’s followed instructions better than a lot of people I talk to.)

Customer: *dejectedly* “Thanks for helping me. I’m just so stupid.”

Me: “No, no, you did great! You got it working!”

Customer: *incredibly sadly* “Yeah, but you had to tell me everything!”

Me: *trying hard to cheer him up* “Well, this is my job; I was trained for this. I’m sure you know things about your job that I wouldn’t know!”

Customer: “No, I’m stupid at my job, too…”

More Repulsive Than Attractive

| California, USA | Language & Words

(I overhear a coworker, who is currently on the register, talking with a customer as he hands her the food she just paid for.)

Coworker: “Here you go ma’am. Have a nice night!”

Customer: “Can I get one of those maggots?”

Coworker: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “A maggot!”

Coworker: “I don’t understand what you’re asking for.”

Customer: “One of the maggots you have all over your fridge!” *points at our drink refrigerator*

Coworker: “Oh! A magnet. Sure! Let me get you one…”

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