Red Light ATM

| Melbourne, Australia | Rude & Risque

(I am a cashier serving an elderly woman in her 70’s or 80’s. I have just finished scanning her items and she is handing me the money after looking through her purse for several minutes.)

Customer: “Here you go, dear. I was a bit worried for a moment that I wouldn’t have enough money! I thought I might have to…well, you’re probably to young to know.”

Me: “What’s that, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well, I thought I might have to go down to [well known brothel] and stand out on the street. You know, earn some fast cash!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *laughing* “You have a lovely day now!”

Trending In The Wrong Direction

| UK | Uncategorized

(I work at a fairly indie bar. We have a lot of real ales on tap, which we serve in special old-fashioned mugs.)

Me: “Here you go,sir. One [name of ale].”

Customer: “This mug has a short straw on the bottom.”

Me: “That’s okay, I can take it off.” *moving to pull it away*

Customer: “Nah, you can leave it on. I want to start a new fashion trend!”

Me: *laughing* “Okay, I’ll leave it for you. That comes to [total].”

Customer: *hands over money* “Actually, I better take it off. The missis might get jealous I started a new trend and she didn’t!”

Obviously, He Needs Food For Thought

| Connecticut, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I work in a large, well-known used bookstore. We offer complimentary coffee and doughnuts to our patrons, but we do not have a cafe or serve any other food. The bookshelves are extremely obvious and numerous. A middle-aged man enters.)

Customer: “I’ll have a medium hot dog to go.”

Me: *laughing* “Sorry, sir! We’re fresh out of hot dogs!”

Customer: *rolling his eyes and heaving a big sigh* “Okay, then what else do you have?”

Me: “Um, we have coffee and doughnuts.”

Customer: “That’s it? You don’t have any sandwiches or anything? What kind of a restaurant is this?”

Me: “We’re a bookstore.”

Customer: “A bookstore!? But I’m hungry!”

Me: “Well, like I said, we do have coffee and doughnuts–”

Customer: “Forget it! I’ll find another restaurant. This is ridiculous!”

Related:Obviously, She Needs Food For Thought

Practice Safe Lunch, Use A Condiment

| Indiana, USA | Uncategorized

(A very attractive woman approaches me at my office desk.)

Customer: “Where can I find the condoms…oh, never mind. I see them.”

(She walks over, grabs a bottle of ketchup, and checks out.)

Donuts Or Donuts, There Is No Try

| Manila, Philippines | Food & Drink, Top

Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Five boxes, dozen donuts each, right now.”

Me: “Okay, is there any specific–”

(Suddenly, I hear a woman screaming in the background.)

Woman: “Donuts! NOW!”

(The caller gets back on the phone.)

Caller: “Whatever flavors you have. Five dozen donuts A-S-A-motherf***ing-P!”

Me: “Um, alright, that’ll be [price]. How much change should our deliveryman bring?”

Caller: “I will give your delivery guy all the money I have in the house! Just get him here before my wife sits on me and hits me with the freakin’ remote control!”

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