Human Tested, Dog Approved

| Annapolis, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

(A man and woman come to my register with a cart full of dog products. They have no dog with them, but the man notices the bowl of dog treats we keep at the registers for dogs who come into the store.)

Man: “Can I have one of those?”

Me: “Sure, go ahead.”

Man: *takes a dog treat from the bowl and eats it*

Me: “Sir?!”

Woman: “Don’t worry, he’s tried dog treats before.”

Man: “Yeah, this one tasted like s***.”

Staying (Six Feet) Under The Radar

| Orono, ME, USA | Family & Kids

(Note: I work at a college financial aid office, and am speaking with the parents of a student.)

Parent: “And why do you need my information?”

Me: “We need the parents’ information for dependent students because they are still technically relying on their parents.”

Parent: “What if I was dead?”

Me: “But sir, you’re not dead.”

Parent: “But what if I was dead? What if I die?”

Me: “Well, sir, both parents would need to die and you are, in fact, not dead.”

Parent: *angrily* “Fine, I’ll send the information!” *click*

Please Consult The Chameleon Circuit

| Melbourne, Australia | Geeks Rule, Top

(We’re a science fiction specialty bookstore. We also have a few other odds’n’ends around the store from series that do well, including several bits of Doctor Who merchandise.)

Me: “Can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “All of your Doctor Who stuff is bootlegged!”

Me: “I assure you it’s not, sir. As you can see, it has the BBC logo on it.”

Customer: “They can print anything in China. This TARDIS is a total knock off!”

Me: “Possibly, but we source our merchandise from reputable distributors located in the US & UK. We’re using the same suppliers that the [National Broadcaster] store uses for its Doctor Who merchandise.”

Customer: “Bulls***! This is all fake! And you know how I can tell? Phoneboxes are RED!”

It’s High Time To Lay Off The Drugs

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

Me: “Hi, can I help you?

Customer: “Yeah, when do you start lunch?”

Me: “At 10:30, ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, so can I get [large lunch meal]?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s still breakfast.”

Customer: “But you just said you start lunch at 10:30!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but it’s not 10:30 yet.”

Customer: “What time is it?”

Me: “6:00 am, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh.” *long pause* “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was this high when I left the house!”

Common Courtesy Goes Up In Smoke

| Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

(A woman comes in to get a refund on a purchase she had just made about 10 minutes ago. However, our company does not offer refunds—only store credits or exchanges.)

Customer: “I don’t want this anymore. Give me my money back.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I can’t give you your money back. It’s company policy, but I would be more than happy to let you exchange the item or receive a store credit for the same amount.”

Customer: “No! I said I want my money back. No exchange, no store credit. I want cash back.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. That’s not possible.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous and illegal! I want my money back right now. I need to buy some smokes!”

Me: “I’m sorr—”

Customer: “How am I gonna get my smokes now? I have no money now to buy them because I bought this shirt. So, are you gonna give me some smokes? Do you have any smokes for me?!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I don’t smoke. I’m sor–”

Customer: “You better buy me some smokes or give me some money to buy smokes, or else!”

Me: “Ma’am, you need to relax. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do for you.”

Customer: “Are you gonna give me some smokes?!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Well are you?! You took my smoke money and now you won’t give it back, so you better give me some smokes instead. You stole from me!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t smoke. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Whatever! Give me a store credit then. I guess I’ll have to go without smokes today!”

(I perform the return and issue a store credit.)

Me: “Have a good night, ma’am.”

Customer: *leaves in a huff, cursing and swearing about smokes*

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