(It’s about 32C (89F) outside, so pretty hot. A fairly large lady comes into the shop wearing an enormous, thick fleece sweater and comes up to a colleague and myself at the desk.)
Customer: “Warm today!”
Me: “Certainly is! Can we help you?”
Customer: “I need an outfit for a wedding. But now I’m here I think I’m too hot to try on clothes. Here, feel how hot I am!”
(Before I can stop her, she grabs my hand from the desk and wipes it across her very, very sweaty forehead. I’m speechless.)
Me: *trying to discreetly wipe my hand on my leg* “Yes, you’re clearly very hot indeed. Maybe you could find some clothes and try them at home? You can return them, that’s no problem.”
Customer: “Oh, I may as well now I’m here. I could also do with being measured for a new bra. Have you got any fitters in today?”
(My colleague, who is the store’s lingerie specialist, suddenly goes wide-eyed and jumps in immediately.)
Colleague: “I… No. No, we do not! Not today.”
(I work in for a directory enquiries company, and if a customer is calling from a cellular phone, I can text them the number requested free of charge.)
Me: “[Directory Enquiries], what number please?”
Customer: “I called a few minutes ago and your useless colleague said he’d text me a number and he didn’t. I’d like a
Me: “I’m terribly sorry about that, ma’am, could you tell me the number you were looking for so I can find it first of all?”
(The customer tells me the business.)
Me: “Actually, ma’am, it was myself that you spoke to a few minutes ago, and I did text you the number.”
Customer: “Well I didn’t get it. There must be a problem with your system! Give me a refund!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t offer refunds on the text service as it’s free of charge. I have just sent it again, so you should receive two texts now.”
Customer: “Well give me a refund for the call then! This is unacceptable! Your system is screwed!”
Me: “We have received no other complaints regarding the text service today, so I would suggest that you make a call to your service provider as it sounds like there’s traffic congestion on your network.”
Customer: “Traffic congestion? But I’m not even driving!”
Customer: "What sort of fuel economy does this one have?"
Me: "Sir, you’re in the wrong lot. That’s another customer’s car."
Customer: "So this one’s reserved? What about the blue one over there?"
Me: "You need to go back to the front of the building. These are all the cars that other customers drove here in."
Customer: "Wait, what? So I can just drive them?"
Me: "No. You can test drive a specific unit of each of our models, but these cars belong to other people."
Customer: "So you’re just going to deprive me of everything? Fine! I’m leaving!"
(He kicks another car on the way out.)
Customer: "Wait… f***! That’s mine!”
Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any black paper?”
Me: “Sorry, we have lots of colors of paper, but no black. There is black construction paper on the art supply aisle, though.”
Customer: “Why don’t you have any here?”
Me: “Because it would be really hard to see the ink on a black piece of paper, so most of our paper colors are bright, pastel or white.”
Customer: “You don’t have white ink like the other printers?”
Me: “There is white ink, but I’m pretty sure it’s used for printing on fabric, not on paper.”
Customer: “Then how did they make this?”
(She shows me a flyer with a black background and white text.)
Me: “That’s called knockout text, the black background is printed with ink, and the white lettering is just the white paper underneath. I can certainly do something like that for you if you want.”
Customer: “Well, that’s just wasteful. Can’t you put some white-out in your machine and print on black paper?”
Wish You Could White Out That Last Comment
Customer: “Do you have any wasp spray?”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re currently out. Maybe [other store] has it.”
(The customer thanks me and walks away. Thirty minutes later I see him at the checkout with a super-soaker, some lighters and a one liter bottle of lighter fluid. I just stare at him in disbelief.)
Customer: “Wish me luck!”