No Jellyfish, But Maybe A Few Sharks

| New Jersey, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “So, I heard you guys are switching to a salt water pool?”

Me: “Yes, we are going to be switching over in the next month or so.”

Customer: “You mean salt, like in the ocean?”

Me: “Yes, we use the same salt that’s found in the ocean, sodium chloride. A machine uses it to generate the chlorine that keeps the pool chlorinated.”

Customer: “So, since you’re pumping in water from the ocean, are there gonna be jellyfish in the pool? Because I really don’t want jellyfish in the pool!”

The Window To The World Wide Nothing

| Sweden | Technology

(One of our users calls me. She is having problems logging on to her web mail.)

Me: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I can’t get into my e-mail!”

Me: “What browser are you using?”

Customer: “The Internet.”

Me: “Okay. Well, when you look at the Internet you are watching it through a window. What is written on the top border of that window?”

Customer: “No! I am not looking at a window! I am looking at the internet!”

AA: Angry Alcoholics

| Burlington, VT, USA | Food & Drink

Me: “Hello, ladies! How are you today? May I get you something to drink?”

Customer: “No, nothing to drink. I don’t drink. Just a sweet tea, please.”

Me: “Our iced tea is unsweetened. I can bring sugar with it, or if you like, we can make you an Arnold Palmer–”

Customer: *angrily* “I told you I don’t drink!”

Me: “Ma’am, an Arnold Palmer is iced tea mixed with lemonade.”

Customer: “Oh, I’ll try that!”

Worldly Spiritualism, Earthly Needs

| Kansas, USA | Bizarre

(I have been helping a 50-60 year old woman find a specific type of pen.)

Customer: “You know why I came to this [store]? I came here because of your energy. I am your guardian angel.”

Me: “Oh…um, okay.”

Customer: “I sense great things from you. You are a fifth level Warrior goddess.”

Me: “Thank you?”

Customer: “I’m serious! You are Cleopatra reincarnate. Prince Albert reincarnate. Queen Elizabeth, the good one. You have an amazing energy!”

Me: “That’s pretty awesome.”

Customer: “You are a warrior goddess! Since I am your guardian, I can give you guidance, is there anything you want to know?

Me: “I’m really okay.”

(She then takes her Native American style beaded necklace and puts it on my forehead.)

Customer: “You are now blessed!”

Me: “Thank you. Do you need anything else?”

Customer: “Where are the padlocks?”

Monolingual Morons

| Cape Cod, MA, USA | Uncategorized

(Our line has signs marked enter and exit in both English and Spanish. A elderly gentleman is waiting at the exit sign while a line forms at the enter sign.)

Me: “Sir, I would be happy to help you, but you will need to get in line by the “enter” sign.”

Customer: “How would I know where that is? I don’t speak Spanish.”

Me: “Yes, but the sign is in English and Spanish and the English word is on top.”

Customer: “But I can’t read this sign. It’s in Spanish.”

Me: “And English.”

Customer: “I don’t read Spanish!”

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