Private, Privater, Privatest

| Morehead, KY, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(While waiting tables one afternoon, a group of 4 older gentlemen, aged about 65-70, seats themselves in my section. In the middle of their meal, one of them beckons me over.)

Customer: “Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people sing in the shower? The other third touch themselves. Anyway, do you know what they sing?”

Me: “Uh, well, no. What do they–”

Customer: “I didn’t think you would. You can go.”

Pros And Con(artists)

| Reno, NV, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: California has just enacted a new law stating that it is illegal for retailers to ask consumers for their zip code.)

Me: “And could I get your zip code, please?”

Customer: “You can’t ask me that! It’s illegal!”

Me: “Only in the state of California. This is Nevada.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not giving it to you because it’s an invasion of my privacy.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I’m finishing her transaction, and she sees the signup form to receive emails about sales and coupons.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “This is a form to receive emails about coupons, sales, and special offers.”

Customer: “Oh! Okay, I’d like to sign up!”

(She starts filling out the form.)

Me: “I just need to ask you for your zip code.”

Customer: “Okay!”

Blue Gives Me The Blues

| New Jersey, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “What’s in the Cookie Monster?”

Me: “It is a blue cookie dough ice cream with Oreos in it.”

Customer: “Can you take the blue out?”

Me: “No, we use a blue dye when we make the ice cream. It has no flavor.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll get a different flavor because I don’t like the taste of blue.”

P.O.’d: When So-So, Not O.K. To K.O.

| Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Uncategorized

(I work customer service for a cable company. A major live pay-per-view fighting event has just ended.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [cable provider]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I want a refund on the fight.”

Me: “Sorry to hear that. What happened with it?”

Customer: “I was jipped. I didn’t get my money’s worth.”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Did you have issues with the picture?”

(We are aware that some areas had some picture breakup and other problems at the beginning of the fight. We therefore can offer partial credit if it’s justified.)

Customer: “Oh, it was a wonderful picture, nice and clear.”

Me: “May I ask then, what made you feel ‘jipped’?”

Customer: “I ordered it to see the main event and it ended in only 3 rounds! Not nearly worth the $64.99 I paid for it, so I want my money refunded!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot offer credit just because you were dissatisfied with the content of an event. [Cable company] is not responsible for the content; we are only the conduit to deliver the event to the customer. Since you say we delivered the event to your TV flawlessly, this issue is not creditable.”

Customer: “Well, I’m only gonna pay $30 for it.”

Me: “You can pay $30, but the fight will still be charged to you at full price. I cannot credit the event because your dissatisfaction with its duration is in no way [cable company]’s fault or responsibility. I’m sorry, sir.”

Customer: “Well, that’s a load of bull****! You have a contract for that event. Just tell them to get back up and fight some more!”

When Pigs Pork, You Get Pig

| UK | Food & Drink

(I am working the customer services counter. A customer walks up and throws down a packet of pigs liver.)

Customer: “I want a packet of pork liver, but I can only find pigs’ liver. Why don’t you stock it?!”

Me: “Pigs’ liver is pork liver. Pork comes from a pig. It is the same thing. I can take you to our butcher to explain this if you want.”

Customer: “You think I was born yesterday? They are not the same thing. And, even if they are, I want it to say pork liver.”

Me: “Pigs and pork are the same.”

Customer: “They are not!” *throws the liver at me and storms out the door*

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