Putting The Situation On To A Knife-Edge

, | Canada | Right | January 9, 2014

(I am a customer at a party store, picking up a Halloween costume. The store sells not only costumes, but also toys, props, things for pranks, etc. As I’m getting ready to leave, a gruff-looking customer enters and marches up to the counter.)

Customer: *pulls out a gun and aims it at the cashier* “Give me all the money or I’ll blow your f****** head off!”

(Frightened, the cashier starts doing as told, while the other customers are shocked and unmoving. I recognize the gun as not real, but sadly the cashier does not. The customer isn’t paying attention to me. I sneak over to a shelf, pick up a certain item, and quietly remove it from its packaging while he keeps yelling. Eventually, I sneak up behind him.)

Customer: “Hurry the f*** up! I don’t have all f****** d—”

(I suddenly shove the stage knife I have unpackaged against his throat from behind.)

Me: “Drop the gun or I swear to god I will slit your throat right here and now!”

(Shaking, the man slowly puts the gun on the counter. I grab it with my free hand, just in case. The cashier calls the police, and when they arrive, she explains what happened to them. They arrest the man.)

Me: “Hey. Before you take him away can I show him something?”

Officer: “I don’t see why not.”

(I hold up the fake knife, turn it, and plunge it into my stomach. The fake blade retracts into the handle and does nothing to me. I show him the knife again, and his eyes widen.)

Me: *in a singsong tone* “Plastic!”

(The customer was taken away looking both embarrassed and ticked off. The cashier let me keep the fake knife and gave me a discount on the costume I had come in to purchase. All in all, a good day!)

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This Diet Is Really Going Against The Grain

| MN, USA | Right | January 9, 2014

Customer: “Excuse me. You used to stock a drink in the cooler. It was tea. It had no carbs.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We probably don’t have any more. Sometimes they cycle out drinks that don’t sell very well.”

Customer: “It was tea. It had no carbs.”

Me: “I think I know the one you’re thinking of. If it’s not in there, then we’re out. We have some iced tea brewed up if you would like to try that.”

Customer: “How do I know that it doesn’t have carbs?”

Me: “I brewed it myself. I can promise you that there are no carbs.”

Customer: “I want the other tea! You know that soda in there has 33 carbs! You should really stock more options for customers who don’t want to have so many carbs.”

Me: “I’d be happy to give you some of our iced tea, or some water.”

Customer: “Ugh! I don’t want any of that. I want the old tea.”

Me: “Sorry! Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Yes! I’ll have a large cookie.”

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Talking About A Whole Other Animal

| Trier, Germany | Right | January 8, 2014

(Trier is an ancient city with many Roman ruins. At the moment there is a traveling show in town showing lizards, snakes and amphibians. I’m on my way home.)

Tourist: “Excuse me. We are looking for the amphibian theater.”

Me: “The lizard show? It’s all the way on the other side of the city.”

Tourist: “No! The amphibian theater! The Roman gladiators!”

Me: “Oh! You mean the Amphitheater. Just 50 meters that way.”

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Making A Whole Lot Of Noise About It

| Champaign, IL, USA | Right | January 8, 2014

(I am calling a room as I’ve had an ‘unusual’ noise complaint. Normally, because of being the overnight shift, I would investigate in person. Given the nature of the complaint I’ve decided to use the hotel phone and call the room. After several minutes, a guest finally answers.)

Guest: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, sir. This is the front desk. We—”

Guest: “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS? HOW ABOUT A LITTLE PRIVACY? OR IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?”

(The guest continues rant for about a minute before winding down.)

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry about the inconvenience but we have a noise complaint near your room. The… ah, ‘sex noises,’ grunting and moaning, that have been going on for over 30 minutes are keeping other guests up. They are asking you to keep the sex down so they can sleep.”

(There is eight seconds of dead silence.)

Me: “Sir, are you still there?”

Guest: *click*

(We did not receive another noise complaint!)

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That’s What You Get When You’re A Law Unto Yourself

| FL, USA | Right | January 8, 2014

(As part of a college class we had to go to observe some criminal court proceedings. We attend a hearing where a private defense attorney is being incredibly rude to the prosecutor, who is a quiet, unassuming-looking middle-aged woman. At one point, he even calls her stupid. The prosecutor just ignores him. At end we get to ask some of the attorneys some questions, the rude defense attorney included.)

Defense Attorney: “Hey. What’d you think?”

Student #1: “You were a little rude.”

Defense Attorney: “That’s just how you’ve got to be. Anyway, I’ve got nothing to worry about! I’m up against a kindergarten teacher!”

Student #2: “Are you new here?”

Defense Attorney: “Yeah, I just transferred from a firm in [other state].”

Student #1: “Oh.” *we all look at each other*

Student #2: “Have you heard of [high-profile murder case that resulted in a conviction]?”

Defense Attorney: “Yeah.”

Student #2: “Well, the prosecutor you were being rude to was the lead prosecutor in that case. We came here specifically to observe her.”

Defense Attorney: *blushes* “Oh…”

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