Any Sliver Of Hope

| Santee, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(I am standing at the door greeting customers. An elderly gentleman is waiting to get in as I answer a question for the customer ahead. I have already checked his membership card.)

Me: “You can go on in, hon. I’ve already seen your card.”

(The man continues to stand there while I speak with another customer.)

Me: “Did you need anything, sir?”

Customer: “No, but you called me hon, so I thought I might stick around a while…”

It Works Better When Fed Cheese

, | California, USA | Technology

(Our college has students of all ages in attendance. Sometimes, the older ones need a little more guidance with using technology. Today, an older gentleman approaches my help desk brandishing several handwritten sheets of lined paper.)

Student: “My teacher says I need to type this.”

Me: “Okay! Well, I think the best program is Word. Just double-click on that blue “W” right there.”

(The student pokes the monitor’s screen with his index finger.)

Me: “Ah, well, actually, we don’t have touchscreens. You have to use the mouse. See?”

(I gesture to the mouse.)

Student: “Oh, okay.”

(He picks up mouse, places it on the monitor screen and clicks. The he looks at me expectantly.)

Me: “Er, well, you have to use it on the mouse pad.”

(I take the mouse and put it back on the mouse pad. Then I show him that when moving the mouse, the cursor on the screen moves.)

Student: “It’s not working very well. Maybe you guys didn’t feed it enough.”

We Call Them Magic Voice Boxes, Part 2

| Ireland | Technology

(I am working one day when this rather angry guy comes up to me and bangs his phone down on the counter.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “My phone stopped working and it wont turn on.”

(I fiddle around with the phone a bit. Then, I plug the phone into a charger and voila, the phone turns on.)

Me: “Sir, did you charge the battery on the phone?”

Customer: “What do you mean did I charge the phone? No one told me that I would have to use my electricity to use this phone. I thought it had a battery!”

Me: “Sir, all mobile phones have chargeable batteries. It’s standard. They need to be charged for a few hours every couple of days.”

Customer: “That’s a disgrace. How can you expect people to use their electricity to use the phone?!” *grabs his phone and storms out*

We Call Them Magic Voice Boxes

Might We Suggest Freedomfox

| New Brunswick, Canada | Technology

(I am working at a call center offering tech support for an American cell phone company’s website.)

Caller: “Your website is broken!”

Me: “Alright, ma’am, we can do some troubleshooting. First, what browser are you using?”

Caller: “What’s a browser?”

Me: “You know, Firefox, Chrome, Safari–”

Caller: “Oh, no, no, no! I only use the good old American Explorer!”

Good Idea, Bad Idea

| South Australia, Australia | Technology

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if I can get my customer account number? I seem to have lost it.”

Me: “Not a problem. I just need to ask you a few questions to verify your identity. What is your full name?”

(The customer gives me his first and last name. I find him in the system, but I require him to state his full name with first, second, and last name. At this point, I notice that his second name is a bit…unusual.)

Me: *trying not to giggle* “I’m sorry, but I will require your full name, your first, second, and last name.”

Customer: “Really? Haha, but I was drunk when I registered. Do I really have to say it? You can see it right there. Surely, I don’t need to say it out loud?”

Me: “Yes, I can see it. It certainly helps in the identification process, which is why I need you to say it for me.”

Customer: “All right. Okay, my name is [first name] buttmonkey [last name].”

Me: “Thank you–”

Customer: “I really need to net nanny the Internet when I drink.”

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