Attack Of The Third Dimensional Dimwits

| Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Uncategorized

(I am explaining to a customer how to program his pre-paid phone.)

Me: “Alright, the sequence you need to press is Pound(#)-8678423 to program your phone.”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “Press Pound-8678423 on the phone’s number pad.”

Caller: “I don’t see anything that says ‘Pound’.”

Me: “The Pound key looks like a tic-tac-toe. It’s the button right under the 9 key.”

Caller: “You mean I have to take apart my phone, pull off the numbers, and press this ‘Pound’ key to get the thing working?”

Me: “No, ma’am, don’t take the phone apart. The Pound key is below the 9 and to the right of the zero.”

Caller: “But I’m telling you, I can’t get to that key if it’s under the 9! I have to take the 9 off to see it!”

Do Not Pay Debts, Go Directly To Jail

| Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Criminal & Illegal

Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite TV company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I’ve bought some used equipment. I need to turn it on.”

Me: “Yes, sir. Could I have the serial number?”

(The serial number brings up an account in collections for over $800.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We cannot activate your equipment until the previous owner closes his account. Can you contact him?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Why not?”

Caller: “He’s in jail in Mexico.”

For Flower Power, Press 1

| Massachusetts, USA | Uncategorized

(I am female, in my 20s, and the only employee at this flower shop. The owner is older than me, and also female. An elderly woman calls one morning.)

Me: “Hello, [florist].”

Elderly customer: “Hello, I was looking for an American flag to hang outside.”

Me: “Okay, we have several sizes and we carry both nylon and cotton flags.”

(I run through the sizes for her.)

Elderly customer: “I’m just not sure. Is there a man I can talk to?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Elderly customer: “A man. I want to ask him about flags.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, no men work here.”

Elderly customer: “I’ll just call back later…”

Natural Selection, Hard At Work

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A customer comes with an old toolbox.)

Customer: “Hey, look what I found just outside…”

(The customer opens the metal toolbox filled with mushrooms.)

Customer: “I doubt they’re the kind that make you high.”

Me: “Um, I wouldn’t eat those. I think they’re destroying angel mushrooms, which are deadly poisonous.”

Customer: “If they are, then I’ll probably eat them!” *leaves the store and never returns*

Canada: America’s Hat, Part 2

| Nova Scotia, Canada | Canada, Extra Stupid, Tourists/Travel

(The majority of the customers coming into this shop are from off of the cruise ships and mainly American.)

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Um, yes…could you tell me where I am?”

Me: “Yup, you’re in Canada.”

Customer: “And where is Canada?”

Me: “Um, well, if you look at a map, it’s that large country on top of your country.”

Customer: “Oh.”

(She looks baffled by this new piece of information and slowly turns around and walks away.)

Related:
Canada: America’s Hat

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