Completely (Pea)Nuts

| South Africa | Bizarre

(I’m working in my office when I hear a loud voice outside. I go to check it out as sometimes interested clients can’t find the office easily. A middle-aged man wearing short shorts and knee high socks walks towards me.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you? Are you interested in making a booking?”

Customer: “No, I’m here to sell you a stuffed elephant’s head. I’ve visited this place before, so I thought of you at once.”

Me: “Uh…thank you, but we don’t have a need for an elephant’s head.”

Customer: “Yeah, fine. I will drop it off now; please pay cash!”

Me: “Please don’t drop it off. We don’t want it. It would not match our decor.”

Customer: “But there’s a lamp on top of it, and the trunk can be used as a fountain. Just buy it! I’m moving and I don’t have the space! I’ll drop it off now.”

Me: “No, we don’t want it. Please try to sell it to someone else.”

Customer: “Just buy it! I don’t have the space for it! I can’t believe this! Why would anyone not buy it? Fine! I’ll go somewhere else! I’m never booking here again!” *storms off*

Revenge Is A Treat Best Served Sweet

| London, UK | At The Checkout, Food & Drink

(I work in an awkwardly-sized shop where the chocolate counter is at one end of the shop, with the till at the other. This tends to result in customers waiting needlessly at the chocolate counter. This occurs during on a particularly busy time.)

Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. Would you just like to follow me to the till and I’ll just put your transaction though?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting bloody ages! This happens every year! You shop assistants are useless!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. It’s just the shop is awkwardly shaped, so it’s difficult to keep track of people waiting—”

Customer: *hands over his card* “I’m a business man, and it’s not the shop. It’s you! You’re just useless!”

Me: “Once again, I apologise for the wait. It’s difficult to keep tabs on everyone—”

Customer: “If you would do your job properly, it wouldn’t happen! Every bloody year, it’s the same!”

Me: “Sir—”

Customer: “If you make one more excuse, I’ll leave without buying anything!”

(Note: I’ve already put his purchase though and I’m just trying to hand him his card and receipts.)

Me: “Okay, I—”

Customer: “That’s it! I’ve had enough! I’m leaving!”

(The customer angrily storms out of shop. Five minutes later, he returns, albeit much calmer.)

Customer: *sheepish* “I…er…left my card.”

Me: “Don’t forget your chocolates, sir! Have a lovely day!”

By Doing Nothing, The Customer Solves Itself

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Technology

(I work at a call center for an online auction site.  The first thing we need to ask when we answer the phone is for their user name.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. May I have your user name, please?”

Caller: “It’s [user name].”

Me: “Thanks. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I forgot my user name.”

Me: “You mean the user name you just provided me with?”

(There’s an awkward pause while the caller processes what I’ve said.)

Caller: “Oh…never mind!” *click*

Related:
By Doing Nothing, The Problem Solves Itself

Dripping With Contradictions

| Brisbane, Australia | Bizarre, Food & Drink

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “Can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Is there any coffee in a latte?”

Me: “Yeah, there is. We put two shots of coffee in a tall latte.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. How about the cappuccino? Does that have coffee?”

Me: “Yes, sir, there are two shots in the cappuccino as well.”

Customer: “So, are you SURE there is coffee in a cappuccino? Because I really need coffee!”

Me: “I can assure you there is coffee in it. I can even give you extra shots of coffee.”

Customer: “So, there is coffee in it?”

Me: “Yes, there is coffee in a cappuccino.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want coffee! What kind of place is this?!”

Me: “A…coffee shop?”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

Me: *completely confused*

A Senior Moment To Go, Please

| Pennsylvania, USA | Money

(I am working in a sub shop when two elderly ladies approach. One orders for both of them.)

Customer: “I want a tuna sub.”

Me: “Okay, is that a footlong?”

(I’m assuming they are getting a footlong to split, but I have to ask to be sure.)

Customer: “No, it’s for here.”

Me: “Okay, but is that a footlong or a 6 inch?”

Customer: *looks at me confused* “What?”

Me: “Is your sub a footlong or a 6 inch?”

Customer: “No, it’s a footlong.”

(I go down the line making the rest of her sandwich for her without any other problems. When we get to the register, they get two bags of chips and two coffees. Then, they ask for the senior discount, which I give them.)

Me: “That will be $9.31 today.”

Customer: “That’s not right.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I thought the sub was $5.”

Me: “Actually, with your senior discount it only costs $4.50, but you also have the chips and the coffees, which brings your total to $9.31.”

Customer: “But the sub’s supposed to be $5.”

Me: “Yes, and it is $5. However, you also got the chips, which are $0.89 a piece and the coffees, which are about $1.29 a piece. Then, theres tax.”

Customer: “But I thought that the sub was $5.”

(This goes on for about five more minutes, with me explaining everything she’s got and how her total is $9.31. After about five more minutes, she finally gets it.)

Customer: “Oh, the coffee and the chips cost about $1 each, so it’s $9.31!”

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