A Spirited Response

| Medicine Hat, AB, Canada | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

(I am working as a manager/bartender at a local club. It’s fairly slow, and a clearly drunk regular approaches to order.)

Customer: “I’ll get a tall ‘Paralyzer.'”

Me: “Sure thing! That will be $5.75.”

(I proceed to make the drink, take his payment, and continue doing my job. A few minutes later, he returns to the bar with the empty cup.)

Customer: “There was no alcohol in this! Make me another one on the house, you b****!”

Me: “Excuse me? You watched me make it, and drank it all. If you came back after a sip, maybe, but not when it’s empty, dude.”

(The customer’s intoxicated female friend approaches next to him.)

Friend: “You’re full of it. I was the manager here a month ago; you’re new and stupid. You tried to rip him off, so make a new one! F****** stupid w****!”

Me: “Listen up. One, you’re full of it. I’m the manager, and have been for the last year. You’ve never worked here. Second, I know for a fact you do nails for a living. If I had them done, ripped them off, and then said you didn’t do them, would you do them again for free? No. There was alcohol in that drink. Third, call me a f****** name again, and I’ll have you out of here so fast, your four-size-too-small miniskirt might actually squeeze away from your hippo thighs. Now, can I get you anything else, or are you good?”

(The owner laughed so hard she had to run to the bathroom. The customer’s friend ended up with a DUI that night. Talk about Karma!)

What A Knut

| Oxford, England, UK | Movies & TV, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

(I’m an IT tech, working on the computer in the tourist entrance to our college. As the college is rather old, and has featured in a certain series of wizard-based films, we have a lot of tour groups in the summer. I overhear this exchange between a tour guide and the tourist entrance manager.)

Guide: “Hi, I have a group of eleven people who’d like to look around. Can you tell me where the [wizard-film] was shot?

Manager: “Sure, it’s just around the corner, in the cloisters. Entry is £3 per person, unless they have university cards, or are seniors or students.”

Guide: “WHAT?! SINCE WHEN DID YOU START CHARGING? WE ONLY WANT TO SEE THE FILM LOCATION! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE CHARGING NOW! YOU’RE JUST GOUGING TOURISTS NOW YOU’RE FAMOUS! YOU NEVER CHARGED ME LAST YEAR!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir; we have always made a charge for vis—”

Guide: “THIS IS BULL-S***! I NEVER GOT CHARGED LAST YEAR! GET ME YOUR MANAGER, AND HE’LL TELL YOU THERE WAS NEVER A CHARGE!”

Manager: “I am the manager, sir, and as far as I am aware, we have always made a charge. If you like, I can look up when that was introduced for you, and see what it was then.”

Guide: “YOU DO THAT!”

(The manager comes inside, and goes through a long list of old ledgers on a shelf behind me. He takes the last one out to the guide.)

Manager: “Here we are sir. The earliest record of entry fees I have is for 1974. I can ring the archivist and see if she has any earlier records, if you wish.”

Guide: “…that won’t be necessary. £3 per person was it?”

Not Quite The Crema Of The Crop, Part 2

| CT, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body

Regular Customer: “I’ll have a toffee-hazelnut iced coffee, but can you make it decaf?”

Me: “Sure, no problem. Switching to ‘D,’ then?”

Regular Customer: “Yeah, my doctor told me I should cut down on sugar, so I’m going with decaf!”

Me: “Um… there’s no sugar in regular or decaf coffee. But there is sugar in the two syrups I use to make that flavor; are you sure you want them?”

Regular Customer: “Oh yes, I’m not cutting out every bit of sugar! Just the caffeine sugars.”

Me: “There are zero calories, zero sugars in plain black coffee, either regular or decaf.”

Regular Customer: “Yeah, but my sister says she cut out iced coffee and she’s lost 20 pounds! I have to have my coffee, but I figured I could just do decaf instead.”

Me: “I can use sugar-free flavors for you if you’re trying to—”

Regular Customer: “No! I hate that fake stuff. Just the decaf iced coffee with toffee and hazelnut. Oh, and extra cream.”

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Not Quite The Crema Of The Crop