Please Thy Master, Or Else

| Quezon City, Philippines | Top

Me: “Hi, how may I help you today?”

Customer: *very seriously* “Give me your largest, most orgasmically tasty caffeinated drink.”

Me: “Um, alright, sir.”

(I prepare a large order of our bestseller. The customer sips his drink, and then looks me in the eye.)

Customer: “You get to live…for now.”

The State Of The Union

| Rome, GA, USA | Family & Kids

(I work in a day spa that has several services, including massage. Two teenagers come in and ask about our couples massage.)

Teenager #1: “Hi, can you tell us about the couples massage package?”

Me: “Sure, it’s an hour massage with complimentary aromatherapy. It’s [price].”

Teenager #2: “It’s for our parents’ anniversary, but I’m not sure they would want to spend an hour in a room together.”

Me: “They are done in separate rooms.”

Teenager #1: “Well, that sells it!”

Canada: America’s Hat, Part 3

| Canada | Canada

(I’m working the customer service line and have just finished explaining our services to a caller.)

Caller: “Well, that sounds great! You seem like a good, honest American business.”

Me: “Canadian, actually.”

Caller: “No such thing!”

Me: “I’m sorry, come again?”

Caller: “There’s no such thing as ‘Canadian’; you’re either American or one of those foreign people.”

Me: “Um, I’ll…put you through to sales then.”

Caller: “Thank you!”

Related:
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 2
Canada: America’s Hat

The Great State Of Ignorance

| Texas, USA | Tourists/Travel

(I am a cave tour guide. I’m talking about one of the cave’s rooms when a tourist raises her hand.)

Tourist: “Where are we right now?”

Me: “I believe we are north of where we came in, ma’am, but I can’t be sure because of all the twists and turns down here.”

Tourist: “No, no, I want to know where we are right now!”

Me: *confused as to what she wants* “Um, near the highway? We’re in [city]?”

Tourist: “No! What state are we in?”

(The entire group stares in amazement.)

Me: “We are in Texas, ma’am.”

Tourist: “Good. I thought we were in South Dakota or some s*** like that! Carry on.”

One You Suck And One Is Blow

| Texas, USA | Criminal & Illegal

(Our store sells tons of marijuana inspired products, but we are not a head shop. A man approaches the counter with one of our huge tower incense burners.)

Customer: “Yeah, I smoke a lot of weed.”

Me: *laughs* “Okay, will this be it for today?”

Customer: *ignoring my question* “Nah, I don’t smoke weed anymore. My job won’t let me!”

Me: “Those darn drug tests, huh?”

Customer: “Yeah. I switched to cocaine, because it goes out of your system in a couple days!”

Me: *speechless*

(The man continues to laugh about this and walks nonchalantly out of the store with his wife and children.)

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