Driving Down Route 66(6)

| VA, USA | Right | January 28, 2014

(It is late evening, a few days before Halloween. My coworker at the register has been dealing with an irate woman for several minutes. She is ranting about the cheap decorations hanging on our door. As a result a line is forming behind her.)

Customer: “I’ll never shop here again! Everything in here is cursed! You’ll be attracting the demon spawns of the devil!”

(I come up to the second register to deal with the line forming behind the customer. Most of the other customers shift over to me, but one younger woman is watching the first customer rant. Suddenly, the younger woman turns and runs out of the store. And a second later, she comes back in wearing the most amazing, and yet disgusting, full-head mask I’ve ever seen. It looks like a rotting deer, complete with antlers, shaggy fur, and wide dead white eyes. The younger woman walks up to the ranting customer and clears her throat loudly.)

Younger Woman: *to my coworker* “Dude, I need $20 on pump four for my ‘Hell-mobile.'” *turns to the first customer* “And what’s your problem with us demons, anyway? Even the devil needs a place to buy gas and beer.”

(The first customer turns and stares at the younger woman for a long moment. Then the first customer actually screams and runs out of the store, leaving all of her items behind.)

Younger Woman: “I hope that lady wasn’t buying gas. I don’t think she’s coming back.”

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Common Knowledge Has Deserted You

| San Antonio, TX, USA | Right | January 28, 2014

(We get a lot of people from different countries or other states who know nothing about Texas.)

Tourist: “So is the Alamo like out in the desert or something?”

Me: “Oh, have ya’ll not been downtown yet? It’s pretty much smack dab in the middle of the city.”

Tourist: “What do you mean?”

Me: “It’s not like in the movie. The city has grown around it,. It’s actually one of the more boring missions that’s pretty much completely covered by urban sprawl. I you want to see more traditional missions you should try San Jose or the other ones in the National Park areas.”

(They’re silent for awhile while I guess they’re having trouble with the term ‘missions.’)

Tourist: “Where’s your desert, anyway?”

Me: “Um… Like, 400 miles west of here?”

Tourist: “So, we’re not in Texas yet?”

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Should Be Nice About The Niceties

| USA | Right | January 27, 2014

(I work at an official store for a sports team. It’s been an unusually busy game, and we’re understaffed. I haven’t had more than a minute or two without a customer checking out in over three hours. I’ve made it a point to try to ask how everyone’s day is and been very pleasant. At the end of a transaction…)

Me: “Ma’am, would you like a bag?”

Customer #1: “No, but I would like a ‘how’s your day going’ or a ‘thank you!'”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Thank you and have a great rest of your day.”

(Customer #1 leaves in a strop. Customer #2 approaches the register.)

Me: *to Customer #2* “Hi! How is your day going?”

Customer #2: “Great, since I’m not hot, tired, and a b****!”

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Wined And Dined And Fined

| Chicago, IL, USA | Right | January 27, 2014

(I wait tables at a popular Chicago Italian restaurant that gets a lot of traffic from Cubs fans on game day. Another waitress has a table full of young men who have come down from an affluent suburb to see the game. They’re very friendly, and charming, and drinking up a storm. She drops their check, and goes to serve another customer and comes back to find that they’ have ‘dined and dashed.’ We are required to cover our tickets, so she is now $100+ in the hole, and starts trying to pick up a later shift so she doesn’t lose money. A few other waiters head over to the bar where we usually go after our shifts. One comes back, bursting with excitement.)

Waiter: “Those guys who stiffed you are all drinking at the bar!”

(Our restaurant also happens to be a popular cop hangout. One of our regulars, a 6’9″ fierce-looking cop, who is sitting in the poor waitress’s station at that very moment, speaks up.)

Cop: “Can you take care of her tables for a moment?”

(The cop takes the waitress down the street to the bar, with several of us following to see the fun, and storms up to the group of young men.)

Cop: “Gentlemen, I believe you forgot to take care of something this evening.”

(Horrified, the young men frantically dig through their pockets and start throwing money at her. She ends up with a 50 percent tip!)

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Could Have Said Sunny Side Up

| Right | January 27, 2014

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