Be Sure To Ask For Frickin Laser Beams

| Lower Saxony, Germany | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Top

(I’m refilling a bunch of buckets with pet food when a customer approaches. He’s dressed entirely in black, has long hair, and an intimidatingly large beard. I have previously seen him staring at snakes for a while.)

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering, which pet would you recommend for an evil overlord?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, for the aspiring world dominator. I want something that looks evil and intimidating…something that can tear my enemies to shreds!”

Me: “Uh…I’m sorry, sir, the most vile animals we have would be those kittens over there and I don’t think they’re quite big enough to kill someone.”

Customer: *completely serious* “What about sharks?”

Me: “Nope, sorry. We don’t have the space for such a big aquarium in here.”

Customer: “Well, d***. I don’t suppose you have lions or siberian tigers, then?”

Me: “I’m afraid not.”

Customer: “D*** right you’re afraid! When I’m your master, I’ll come back with an army of battlehamsters and feed you to them!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “I’m looking forward to that.”

(He leaves the shop, but only after buying three hamsters.)

Stimulating Or Simulating Immunity

| Ottawa, Canada | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I’ve had a small cold for a couple days. I begin to ring up a man in his 60s. I’m 19.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how are you today?”

Customer: “Not too bad, except this d***ed cold won’t go away.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I have one too and it’s driving me nuts! Although I love the new pomegranate grapefruit cough drops we sell.”

Customer: “I have some cough drops at home. But there is one thing that really works when you’re sick. The problem is, my wife is out of town so I guess I’m out of luck.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. Wait, what?”

Customer: “Yeah! It totally works. Do you have a man around to help you with your… cold?”

(He winks at me.)

Me: “That’ll be $35.67, sir. Have a nice day.”

Customer: “Try it! And if you don’t have a man, you could always do it with–”

Me: “Goodbye!”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

Magic 8-Ball: Conspiracy Edition

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Uncategorized

(I am asking if a customer would like to get our discount card. She agrees and then starts to fill out the information.)

Me: “What is your name, ma’am?”

Customer: “I don’t want any of my information in the BEAST!”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “The beast is a 6 foot wide computer in Berlin.”

(My coworker walks out of the break room to see what the commotion is about. The customer sees him and turns to address him.)

Customer: “Did you know IBM kept the registry for all of the Jews in the Holocaust?!”

(My coworker and I just stand there in silence and I continue ringing though the transaction.)

Customer: “Facebook is going to be the end of us!”

(She then pays and we think she’s leaving and everything is fine. Suddenly, as she is walking out of the store, she turns around and screams.)

Customer: “Canada is in GRAVE danger! To be forewarned is to be forearmed!”

Always Exorcise Before Eating

| Pennsylvania, USA | Food & Drink

(I’m serving a lady who has come in with her two grandsons. While they are waiting for their food to come from the
kitchen, she flags me down.)

Customer: “Excuse me, could I have another glass of water?”

Me: “Sure! I’ll bring that right over for you.”

(I walk over to the waitress’ station, get her a glass of water, and bring it back.)

Customer: *in a creepy, fake child’s voice* “Thank you, mommy!”

(I walk away as quickly as possible. Even her grandsons look confused. For the rest of the night, though, she acts completely normal, as if nothing happened.)

Any Sliver Of Hope

| Santee, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(I am standing at the door greeting customers. An elderly gentleman is waiting to get in as I answer a question for the customer ahead. I have already checked his membership card.)

Me: “You can go on in, hon. I’ve already seen your card.”

(The man continues to stand there while I speak with another customer.)

Me: “Did you need anything, sir?”

Customer: “No, but you called me hon, so I thought I might stick around a while…”

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