His Plan Is In The Toilet

| Orlando, FL, USA | Liars & Scammers

(I work in a movie theater that is inside a mall. Sometimes, the mall closes their restrooms so they use our restrooms instead.)

Customer: “Can I use your bathroom?”

Me: “Sure, they are right over there.” *points to restrooms*

Customer: *walks past where I point*

Me: “Sir, you walked past the restrooms.”

Customer: “Well, I was going to use the ones in the back.”

(I realize he’s just trying to sneak into a movie.)

Me: “Well, the restrooms in the front are just as good as the ones in the back.”

(The customer groans and walks into the restroom, but leaves only after a few seconds.)

Customer: “F*** you, p****!”

Me: “Have a good day, sir!”

Accusations Wood Require Hard Proof

| Calgary, Canada | Rude & Risque, Time

(My landscaping company gets an early job at 7:45 AM at a residence. While starting on the lawn, the customer suddenly comes barging out of his house. It’s obvious that he’s just woken up.)

Customer: “DO YOU BASTARDS KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?! It’s 7:45! I said show up at 8:45!”

(Note: the customer is wearing sweat pants and has some REALLY bad morning wood going on.)

Boss: “Sir, you said 7:45. We talked about this two days ago.”

(As my boss says this, all of the workers are trying not to laugh at the customer’s morning wood.)

Customer: “Screw you! I knew what I asked for! I will show you I wrote it down!”

(A couple of moments later, he comes back out wearing an embarrassed face.)

Customer: “I got the time wrong. Sorry…” *goes back inside, still with morning wood*

A Fitting End

| Canada | Uncategorized

(Note: Our store sells a lot of larger items that don’t fit in the bags we have. Most cashiers are able to judge what can and cannot fit.)

Me: “So, that’ll be [price].”

Customer: “Can I get a bag for [awkwardly shaped purchase]?”

Me: “We actually don’t have any bags that would be able to fit that.”

Customer: “Oh, you’re just being lazy! Hand me that bag and I’ll make it fit!”

(I hand her the bag as requested as she mumbles about “learning respect”. She struggles to try and fit the bag over the giant box whose edges are jutting out. However, after a few minutes of struggle, she finally gives up.)

Customer: *defeated* “I’ll be paying with debit…”

He’s No Slim Jim

| Louisiana, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

(I’m talking to a regular I’ve known since I was a kid—let’s just call him Jim—who is leaning against our drink counter and drinking a cappuccino. Note: “Jim” is 5’10 and a little over 200lbs, most of which is muscle from working on a logging crew. I notice there’s a smudge on my glasses so I take them off and begin wiping them on my shirt. Right at that moment, a customer walks in. I always greet my customers, so I squint at the person to make them out since I’m not wearing my glasses.)

Me: “Good evening, sir.”

Customer: “Well, you don’t have to give me such a dirty look!”

Me: “What dirty look?”

Customer: “When I walked in the door, you gave me a nasty look as if I was s*** on the bottom of your shoe!”

Me: “No, I was squinting at you ’cause I couldn’t see.” *I point at my glasses* “I’m practically blind without these, and there was something on them. I was cleaning them when you walked in, so I had to squint to see you.”

Customer: “Hmph! You’re just making excuses! You think you’re better than me, but you’re nothing but trash! Only trash works in places like this!”

(At this point, Jim decides to speak up in my defense. Note that Jim has a VERY thick country-boy accent.)

Jim: “You’d better apologize to her right now, mister.”

Customer: “What?! What’d you say?”

(Jim speaks slowly and clearly this time, so that his accent is less apparent.)

Jim: “I said you’d better apologize to her right now.” *crosses his arms over his chest* “If you don’t, I’m gonna put my work boot up your a** and you’re gonna have to have it surgically removed!”

Customer: *turns ash white* “I’m sorry, miss!” *leaves without buying anything*

Indiscriminate Discrimi-Nation

| Chicago, USA | Bigotry

(I work in a call center as a supervisor. I overhear this conversation.)

Representative: “Thank you for holding. This is [Pakistani name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’m sorry, what is your name?”

Representative: “[Pakistani name], sir.”

Customer: “Where are you located?”

Representative: “In Chicago, sir.”

Customer: “Are you sure you’re not in India? You sound like you’re Indian.”

(Note: the rep was born and raised in Chicago and is the son of an English father and Pakistani mother. He has no accent whatsoever.)

Representative: “Sir, I am certain we are in Chicago.”

Customer: “I want to talk to an American! I don’t want to talk to someone in India.”

Representative: “Sir, I was born and raised in the US. My parents are English and Pakistani, not Indian.”

Customer: “I want to talk to someone in America!”

Representative: “Sir, again I can assure you: you are talking to an American in America.”

Customer: “I WANT TO TALK TO AN AMERICAN!”

Representative: “Sir, I am an American.”

Customer: “I know you people are in India! I’m complaining to my company that they outsourced us to you!” *hangs up*

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