That’s What You Get When You’re A Law Unto Yourself

| FL, USA | Right | January 8, 2014

(As part of a college class we had to go to observe some criminal court proceedings. We attend a hearing where a private defense attorney is being incredibly rude to the prosecutor, who is a quiet, unassuming-looking middle-aged woman. At one point, he even calls her stupid. The prosecutor just ignores him. At end we get to ask some of the attorneys some questions, the rude defense attorney included.)

Defense Attorney: “Hey. What’d you think?”

Student #1: “You were a little rude.”

Defense Attorney: “That’s just how you’ve got to be. Anyway, I’ve got nothing to worry about! I’m up against a kindergarten teacher!”

Student #2: “Are you new here?”

Defense Attorney: “Yeah, I just transferred from a firm in [other state].”

Student #1: “Oh.” *we all look at each other*

Student #2: “Have you heard of [high-profile murder case that resulted in a conviction]?”

Defense Attorney: “Yeah.”

Student #2: “Well, the prosecutor you were being rude to was the lead prosecutor in that case. We came here specifically to observe her.”

Defense Attorney: *blushes* “Oh…”

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This Patron Has A Drinking Problem

| Houston, TX, USA | Right | January 8, 2014

(I work at the circulation desk at a small academic library.)

Patron: *very red-faced* “Um, can you do something?”

Me: “…about?”

Patron: “There’s a woman in the computer lab and she… um…”

(My coworker and I finally manage to get it out of the stammering, embarrassed man that a woman apparently has breastfed her infant and forgot to ‘tuck herself back in’ after the infant was finished eating.)

Coworker: “Oh, boy. You want this one?”

Me: “Got it.”

(I walk up to the woman and lean down quietly to her ear.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open-drink containers in the library.”

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This Argument Is Short And Sweet

| Lee's Summit, MO, USA | Right | January 7, 2014

(I work in a Mexican restaurant. I’m getting the drink order.)

Customer: “I’ll have a sweet tea.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We only have unsweetened tea, but we have different sweeteners available at the table here.”

Customer: “Not having sweet tea is un-American!”

Me: “Sir, this is a Mexican restaurant.”

Customer: “…touché.”

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The Nation’s Reading Is A Blockbuster Problem

| Tampa, FL, USA | Right | January 7, 2014

(I am working the register at our store and getting ready to ring up a customer’s rentals. When I pull up her account I notice she has some late fees from her previous rentals.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. It looks like you have a balance of $8.54 from your previous rentals that we need to take care of.”

Customer: “That’s not possible. I brought ALL of my movies back on time!”

Me: “All right. Give me a moment to look at you account history to see what happened.”

(This takes just a couple of seconds, but the customer has already started to complain about me wasting her time.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’ve found the problem. You checked out three movies that had a five-day term, and two new releases that were one-day rentals. You kept the one-day rentals out an extra day which is where the late fee came from.”

Customer: “Well, somebody should have explained that to me when I rented them! How was I supposed to know they were one-day rentals?!”

Me: “While I concede that it is possible that one our staff forgot to mention it to you, ma’am, the rental terms are clearly marked on the price sticker on the movie, on the receipt, and on signs everywhere throughout the store.”

Customer: “You actually expect your customers to read!? No wonder you’ve had to close so many stores!”

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They Read A Pizza My Mind

| Lexington, KY, USA | Right | January 7, 2014

Me: *taking an order over the phone* “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello. I would like to order two large pizzas, and I want the first one with sausage.”

Me: “Okay, and what would you like for the second one?”

Caller: “I don’t know. Surprise me.”

(I am almost about to do just that. All of a sudden I hear a second person on the other line.)

Second Person: “DON’T SAY THAT! HE PROBABLY WILL SURPRISE YOU!”

Caller: “Okay. Sorry. Make that second one pepperoni.”

Me: “What’s the matter? Don’t you like anchovies?”

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