Back To The Future

| FL, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Theme Of The Month

(I work in a store based around ‘The Old West,’ where the salespeople wear clothing reminiscent of the era. Halfway through the shift, a boy and girl around eight years old run into the store and up to me.)

Boy: *urgently* “What year is it?”

Me: “What?”

Girl: “What year is it??”

(I wonder for a moment if this is a trick question, and if I’m supposed to answer according to ‘The Old West’ theme.)

Me: “1826.”

Boy: “Are you sure?”

Me: *pulling out my old style pocket watch* “Pretty sure. Last time I checked it was 1826.”

Boy: *distraught, to the girl* “It didn’t work!”

Me: “Why? What answer were you expecting?”

Girl: “Somewhere in the 4000s!”

(They run out of the store and don’t come back.)

The Key To All Their Problems

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Extra Stupid, Transportation

(A customer drops his car off to do a trade-in, and will be meeting me later to finalize the paperwork. I go to his car to check the mileage, and find that it’s locked. I go back inside to get the keys.)

Me: “The guy’s car is locked. Did he happen to leave his keys with any of you?”

Coworker: “No, why don’t you try calling him?”

(I call the customer.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, sir, we have your car here. I was trying to get in and it’s locked. Where did you put your keys?”

Customer: *optimistically* “Oh! They’re in the car.”

He Got Burned

| England, UK | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, School, Top

(I am appointed as a volunteer marshal at college. The college hosts a book launch, and the fire alarm goes off. Most people follow directions to the fire exits, but one guest is sat there drinking his free champagne.)

Me: “You can bring your drink if you like, sir, but we have to go outside and wait for the fire brigade to tell us it’s safe to re-enter.”

Guest: “No, I shall stay here. It’ll be a false alarm.”

Me: “I have no way of knowing if it’s a real fire or a false alarm, so please come with me to the assembly point, sir.”

Guest: “I’m not taking instructions from you! Who do you think you are?”

Me: “Just a voluntary fire marshal, sir.”

Guest: “Just a student, then.”

Me: “Yes, I’m a student here. Sorry about this, sir, but there’s a formality I have to conduct.”

(I take out my phone and start the video camera. I point it at him.)

Me: “It’s 12:57 pm. The fire alarm is sounding. I’m instructing you to follow me to the fire exit.”

Guest: “Pathetic. And I’m refusing. What’s the point of that little charade? To show it to your friends on Youtube?”

Me: “No, sir. If it proves necessary, to show it to the coroner at your inquest.”

(I turn and leave. The guest waits until I’m turning the corner, and then follows.)