Satisfaction Is Surely Assured

| Lancaster, PA, USA | At The Checkout

(At the supermarket where I work, we have a store rewards card we can scan if the customer forgets theirs or doesn’t have one.)

Me: “Do you have your bonus card?”

Customer: “No. Could I use the store card, please?”

Me: “Surely.”

Customer: “Don’t call me Shirley!” *laughs* “I’ve waited for years to make that joke!”

Me: “I’m glad I could help you live out that fantasy!”

Please, Nobody Mention NKOTBSB

| Clay, NY, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m on the sales floor when a woman approaches me looking rather flustered.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Woman: “I just came from the other mall’s [unrelated store] and they are complete idiots over there! They told me this doesn’t exist! Do you have it?”

Me: “Well, our merchandise is very different from [unrelated store]. If we don’t have it I can point you out to where you can find it.”

Woman: “My son’s walking around the mall and I don’t want him to see me in here. Do you carry Avenged Sevenfold’s ‘Five Finger Death Punch’ shirt? The punk from the other mall laughed at me when I asked about it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I think you are misinformed. Five Finger Death Punch is another band.”

Woman: “No, it’s something on an Avenged Sevenfold shirt. Look! My son said it’s a shirt!”

(She shows me the list, which has “A7X/5FDP Shirt”, meaning either shirt would do.)

Me: “Ma’am, trust me. They are two totally separate bands. Here, let me show you.”

(I pull out my iPod and show her on my playlist that I am right, going as far as showing her both band lineups.)

Me: “Perhaps you didn’t read this right, it happens all the time.”

Woman: *she looks she’s ready to slap me in the face* “Are you stupid?! My son knows what he’s talking about and I’ll prove you wrong you stupid b****!”

(She calls her son on her cell phone and puts him on speakerphone.)

Woman: “This stupid sales girl thinks I’m retarded or something. Can you tell her about that Avenged Sevenfold shirt you want with that Death Punch thing?”

Son: “Mom, they’re two totally different bands. I tried to tell you that before you stormed out of [unrelated store].”

(There is a long pause.)

Me: “We do have shirts for both bands and they’re on sale Buy 1, Get 1 Free–”

(The woman promptly goes to our t-shirt shelves, finds what she’s looking for, and pays and leaves immediately, red faced. My boss, who had witnessed the whole thing, was bent over the cash wrap in tears.)

E.T. No Phone Home

| Australia | Technology

(I was working in the call center of a telco, troubleshooting and resolving faults in mobile phone handsets and modems.)

Me: “Hello, this is [name], how can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to return a faulty modem.”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem with the modem?”

Customer: “It doesn’t contact the mothership.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “This modem. It’s faulty. I cannot contact the mothership with it!”

Me: “Um, [company] has never offered nor guaranteed intergalactic coverage.”

Customer: “Fine, I’ll just take it back to the shop.” *hangs up*

Hershey’s Misses

| Scottsdale, AZ, USA | Food & Drink

(I’m explaining our desserts to a customer.)

Me: “We have white, milk, and dark chocolate. You can get a mixture of two of those.”

Customer: “Well, getting white and dark just doesn’t make sense.”

Me: “Mind if I ask why not?”

Customer: “Mixing white and dark chocolate would just make it milk chocolate.”

Me: “That isn’t how chocolate works, ma’am.”

Shh, The Neighbors Will Hear

| Michigan, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(At our movie theater, “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” is playing. A 70- or 80-year-old woman approaches.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like a ticket to that new movie.”

Me: “No problem. What movie are you looking for, ma’am?”

Customer: “That new one. You know, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Nasty.”

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