Eye Can’t Believe It

, | Annapolis, MD, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant’s name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll have—”

(The customer finally makes eye contact and then stares at me for a couple of seconds.)

Me: “Ma’am? Is everything all right?”

Customer: “Your eyes…”

(I typically get compliments on my blue eyes, so I just smile.)

Me: “Thank you. What can I get for you?”

(The customer is still transfixed on my eyes.)

Customer: *slowly* “Are… they real?”

Me: “Um, yes.”

Customer: “Are they yours?”

Me: *laughing* “No, I stole them from a corpse.”

(I realize that she thinks I’m serious.)

Me: “They’re my real eyes! I was born with them.”

Customer: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Positive.”

Customer: *orders and quickly leaves, staring cautiously at my eyes the whole time*

Related:
An Eye For An Eyepatch

My Dog Thinks You’re Nuts

| Boston, MA, USA | Bigotry, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I work at a dog park, and I get to bring my Great Dane to work with me. Most of my regulars know and love my dog, and he has his own little fan club. My Dane is an obedience champion and has a vast vocabulary of verbal and hand signal commands, including “shake”. However, because of his height, if someone asks him to “shake”, they usually get smacked for their troubles. An unpleasant new visitor to the park begins making disparaging comments.)

New Visitor: *to me* “Border Collies are a real man’s dog. If you aren’t smart enough for a collie, you get something like that!” *points at my dog*

Me: “Excuse me, but that’s incredibly rude.”

New Visitor: “See? What did I tell you? Only a stupid woman would own a stupid dog like that!”

Regular #1: “Actually, that dog is brilliant.”

New Visitor: “Whatever. I bet he doesn’t even know how to shake hands.”

Regular #2: *smiles* “Oh, please try…”

New Visitor: *to my Great Dane* “Shake!”

My Great Dane: *smacks him in the crotch*

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Ill-Temper Your Expectations

| Houston, TX, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids

(My mother needs a new cellphone plan, and I agree to tag along with her. Please note that my mom is in her mid 60s, five feet tall, and incredibly sweet and polite, especially to strangers.)

Sales Rep: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Mom: “Hello! It seems I need to update my cell phone plan, if that’s not too much trouble.”

Sales Rep: “Of course not. I’d be happy to assist you with that. *looks up my mom’s account* “Ah, okay, it looks like we no longer offer your original plan, so let’s go over your new options…”

(Without warning, my mother mutates into a Nightmare Customer from Hades.)

Mom: “I DON’T WANT A NEW PLAN! I LIKED THE OLD PLAN! WHY DON’T YOU OFFER IT ANYMORE?! THIS IS HORRIBLE SERVICE!”

Sales Rep: *visibly startled* “I’m… I’m sorry, ma’am, but if you’ll take a look at our current plans, I’m sure we’ll find you a great deal on something that…”

Mom: “Why are you doing this to me? Your company obviously doesn’t care about its customers! Fix this situation immediately, or I’m taking my business elsewhere!”

(At this point, everyone in the store is staring at us, and the sales rep looks like she may start crying.)

Me: “Mother, what is wrong with you?! Why are you acting like this?”

Mom: *suddenly herself again* “Oh dear, nothing’s wrong at all! But if a store has a policy you don’t like, what you do is get really mean with the salespeople and take out your aggression on them. Then the salespeople call their corporate headquarters to inform the CEO that a customer is unhappy, and the policy gets changed!”

(She smiles brightly. The store is silent as both customers and employees attempt to process her logic.)

Me: *to the sales rep* “We’ll take this plan right here, and I’ll explain everything else to her in the car…”

Seoul Much For That Brilliant Idea

| Chicago, IL, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Love/Romance, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am a caucasian female working as a concierge in a hotel in Chicago, but I grew up in Korea. This particular group of guests has been causing havoc their entire stay, stealing items and bothering other patrons in the halls. One night, the television in the lounge has been smashed, so my boss calls the police on them. They are sitting on the sofa while the officer is trying to get their details. Before every answer, the guests converse amongst themselves in Korean.)

Officer: “Where are you boys from?”

Guest #1: *in Korean* “Tell him we’re from Japan!”

Guest #2: “Uh, Japan. Yeah.”

Me: *in perfect Korean* “You guys better tell him the truth. He’s going to find out anyway.”

(They are in shock. But before they sputter out an excuse, the policeman says…)

Officer: *in perfect Korean* “That’s okay. We’ll get it from their passports.”

(And that was how I met my now fiancé. The guests, by the way, spent the rest of the night at HIS workplace instead of mine.)

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Lions And Tigers And Big Box Stores, Oh My

| North Georgia Mountains, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, School

(I’m a tour guide for a private college in the North Georgia mountains in a town of 9,000 people. It’s not the biggest city, but it’s the biggest within about 50 miles. A married couple from Atlanta comes to visit the college.)

Man: *nervously* “How do people typically adjust to living in the middle of nowhere?” 

Me: “I actually think it’s peaceful here in the mountains, and I’ve never heard anyone say they miss the traffic.”

(At this point, the couple sees a small green spider on the roof of the golf cart and literally jumps out of the stopped vehicle.)

Me: “Aw, he won’t hurt y’all.”

(The man hesitates three times before finally squishing the spider with his handkerchief. He cautiously climbs back in.)

Woman: “Do you have any… mountain lions here?”

Me: *in an exaggerated southern drawl* “Ain’t seen many mountain lions ’round these parts, far as I reckon.”

Man: “What about bears?”

Woman: “Panthers?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure the most we have up here is foxes and coyotes.”

(The woman gasps like she might have a heart attack while the man’s eyes get very wide. I do my best to assure them that these animals are harmless to humans and that they will likely never see on on campus, and continue with the tour.)

Woman: “How far is civilization from here?”

Me: “Well, the city is the county seat, and there’s lots to do and see downtown, and plenty of options for shopping and dining.” 

Man: “Is there a Walmart anywhere near here?”

Me: “About a 10 minute drive.”

Couple: *in unison* “HALLELUJAH! CIVILIZATION!”

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