Painting Yourself Into A Corner

| New York, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal & Illegal

(I’m working on returns when a customer comes in with a can of paint from our store. An off-duty cop in his uniform just happens to walk in behind her, but she doesn’t notice.)

Customer: “This paint is crap! I don’t have a receipt, and I didn’t pay with a card, so a merchandise credit will be fine.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, this paint was never tinted, and it clearly says here ‘Must Be Tinted’. Also, our cashiers cannot check out anyone with paint unless they have a valid tint code, or the paint does not need to be tinted.”

Customer: “Are you accusing me of stealing?!”

Cop: *still standing behind her* “He gives a valid case.”

(She whips around, and turns the whitest color I have ever seen. After confirming with the manager, the cop has her arrested for petty theft; double-checking on the cameras throughout the day confirmed she did indeed steal the paint.)

The Scales Will Never Fall From Her Eyes

| California, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

(I am a female working in a reptile store, so it’s fairly common for people to question why I would be interested in snakes and lizards. On this particular day, I’m helping a woman and her 6-year-old daughter hold a snake.)

Customer: “So, do you have any reptiles of your own at home?”

Me: “Oh yes, I have a ton.” *laughs*

Customer: “How does that affect your dating life? I mean, boys can’t possibly think that’s attractive in a girl!”

(The customer’s question has caught me off guard, but I try to remain friendly.)

Me: “Um, it doesn’t really have an effect. It’s not usually an issue.”

Customer’s Daughter: “Mommy, can I get a pet snake?!”

Customer: “No, sweetie. We want YOU to have boyfriends.”

Me: *speechless*

Selective Comprehension

| Boston, MA, USA | At The Checkout, Money

(I work for a large, upscale retailer. One night, I’m assisting a lady with several items.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, your total is [price].”

Customer: “I believe those are all supposed to be 40% off.”

Me: “No, ma’am, these are all regular price.”

Customer: “No, I believe everything is 40% off.”

Me: “No, ma’am, there may be a sale like that upstairs in the Ladies’ area, but we don’t have any discounts like that here in Men’s.”

Customer: “Well, there’s a sign in your front windows that says everything’s 40% off!”

Me: “Well, perhaps I’m mistaken. Would you mind showing me where you saw that?”

(She leads me out the front door of our store and points to a large sign in the window.)

Customer: “See? 40% off!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but it says 40% off ‘Selected Items.'”

Customer: “Right! And these are the items I’ve selected!”

To Bacon, Or Not To Bacon, That Is The Digestion

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Top

(I am taking a table’s order.)

Me: “Okay, sir. What can I get for you to eat?”

Customer: “I’ll have a bacon cheeseburger, but if they add bacon to it, I don’t want bacon.”

Me: “So, do you want a regular cheeseburger?”

Customer: “No. I want my burger to have bacon on it. But if it comes with bacon, then I don’t want bacon.”

(I have absolutely no idea what he is asking for, and all his friends seem to be as confused as I am.)

Me: “Okay, just to make sure I am understanding you correctly, I am going to repeat what you are asking for.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “You want a bacon cheeseburger, and if there is bacon on it, you don’t want the bacon.”

Customer: “Right.”

Me: “But you definitely want the bacon on the burger.”

Customer: “Right.”

(Now all his friends are laughing, and I have no idea what to say. Suddenly, the customer realizes what he’s been saying.)

Customer: “PICKLES! Oh my God, I don’t want PICKLES on the burger!”

Me: “Oh, thank God! I was starting to think I went crazy!”

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Perceiving Percival

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Geeks Rule, Top

Me: “Was there any particular style of glasses you where looking for today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for some horn rimmed, half-moon spectacles.”

(As an avid Harry Potter fan, I recognize this as the word-for-word description of a certain character’s glasses.)

Me: “I’m sorry, Professor Dumbledore, but I believe we sold our last pair this morning.”

Customer: *surprised* “Oh, wow! I really wasn’t expecting anyone to catch that!”

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