Don’t Kick A (Half) Man When He’s Down

| Thunder Bay, Ontario, Canada | Family & Kids

(A woman and her young daughter are browsing books.)

Daugher: “Mom, what’s a ‘has been’?”

Mother: “Charlie Sheen is a has been.”

When Push Comes To Shove

| Christiana, DE, USA | Extra Stupid, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I work as a security guard at a major retailer in the mall. One of my duties is to pre-lock our store at the end of the night. We leave the middle door unlocked for customers to exit while locking the side doors. While finishing my lock up, a customer runs up and tries to exit the store.)

Customer: “You’re not locking me in here! You’re not even closed yet!”

Me: “Sir, we only pre-lock. If you just—”

Customer: “No, you are a worthless, fake mall cop. Did you even graduate high school? Now, let me out!” *keeps pulling on the door*

Me: “Sir, you just need to—”

Customer: “I said, open the door! I want your manager!”

Me: “No problem, sir.” *calls store manager*

Manager: *comes up on the scene* “What seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “He won’t let me out of the building. I am a paying customer and I demand to be let out.”

Manager: *turns to me* “What is the problem?”

Me: “He was trying to pull open a push door.”

Customer: *pushes open the door* “Oh, I erm, uh…” *leaves sheepishly*

S.H.I.E.L.D. Me From This Stupidity

| San Diego, CA | History

(A customer walking out of the theater for “Captain America” with her two kids starts talking to me. She’s about 45 years old.)

Customer: “My goodness, the Nazis were awful people!”

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer: “I’m just glad that terrible Red Skull got what was coming to him.”

Me: “Yeah, it was a pretty sweet ending.”

Customer: “It’s funny. I don’t remember learning about him or Captain America in the history books.”

Me: *thinking she’s joking* “Ha ha, yeah. Weird, right?”

Customer’s son, to me: “No, dude. She’s not kidding.”

Customer: “Kidding about what?”

(Embarrassed, her two kids try to walk briskly away from her.)

Customer: *chasing after her kids* “Whaaat?! What is it?!”

In Creepiness And In Health

| Portland, OR, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: This customer is a little odd and makes the entire staff nervous when he comes in.)

Me: “Okay, here’s your receipt. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “You could marry me…”

Me: *awkwardly laughs*

Coworker: “Well, is there anything else you need from me today?”

Customer, to my coworker: “You could pay for our honeymoon.”

(Suddenly, the customer turns to me.)

Customer, to me: “Okay, I’m just kidding. But I wasn’t kidding about you.”

Perhaps There’s Insufficient Blood To Your Brain

| Windsor, Ontario, Canada | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

(We have a free self-use blood pressure machine in our pharmacy.)

Customer: “When are you going to fix your blood pressure machine?”

Pharmacist: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Your blood pressure machine is broken. Every time I come in here, it doesn’t work! You should really take care of it. Lots of old people need to check their blood pressure, you know!”

Me: “Are you sure? I just filled the paper roll the other day. It was working fine.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! I’ve been trying to use it for days. It’s not working. You should really take care of it!”

(I take a look at the machine and try to troubleshoot the problem. I sit in the seat, roll up my sleeve, put it in the cuff, and push the big green “Start” button. The cuff inflates normally.)

Customer: “You mean you’re suppose to push that button?!”

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