You’re Just Ants-ing For Trouble

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

(Note: when people start our service, they sometimes see more bugs in the first week because the chemicals agitate them before they die. We usually get a lot of calls from first time customers freaking out about this, so we have recently asked the techs to explain this to customers so we get less calls.)

Me: “Pest control, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m very concerned. I just started with you and I don’t have any ants.”

Me: “Well, that’s a good thing. That means its working.”

Customer: “But I was told I would see more ants after the treatment! I don’t see any! This is horrible!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have our techs tell all our customers that because sometimes they do. If you don’t, that’s okay, too. Actually, that’s a REALLY good thing.”

Customer: “But I don’t see any ants! I don’t know what to do!”

Me: “I’m not sure that I can help, because you don’t seem to have a problem.”

Customer: “I DO have a problem! NO ANTS!”

Self-Fooling Prophecy

| Oslo, Norway | Extra Stupid, Money

(I am a customer consultant. We sometimes get people on the phone who have been called by the debt collection company due to unpaid invoices.)

Me: “This is [company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How dare you send my invoice to the debt collection company!”

Me: “That is unfortunate. May I have your invoice number, please? Perhaps we have the wrong address on file.”

Customer: “It’s [invoice number]. After you sent me three reminders, you have suddenly sent it to the debt collection company! I want to cancel my services immediately!”

Me: “Wait, you HAVE received the reminders we’ve sent you?”

Customer: “Yes, I did. I threw them away.”

Me: “And why did you never call us when you received the reminders?”

Customer: “I thought you would stop sending me reminders.”

Me: “You thought the unpaid invoice would just magically disappear if you threw away the invoice reminders?”

Customer: “Yes, Of course!”

Related:
Self-Discarding Prophecy

It Pays To Be Patient, Part 2

| Jackson, WY, USA | At The Checkout, Money

(A customer has just bought three books and has asked me to ship them as gifts. I haven’t done any shipping projects yet, and am unsure of what to charge, so I go downstairs and ask my boss about the price before returning to the customer. Note: A coworker has been standing at the register next to me during this exchange.)

Me: “So, the shipping for those books would be eight dollars for the regular postal service or twelve dollars UPS shipping.”

Customer: “Oh, I want to send them through the regular postal service, but to three separate addresses.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I misunderstood. Let me check with my boss if the prices would be any different, one moment.”

(I go downstairs to speak with my boss again, and come back with new prices.)

Me: “For three separate packages, that would be nine dollars.”

(The customer hands me one dollar.)

Me: “Oh… I’m sorry. That’s nine dollars for the shipping.”

Customer: “But you already took my money!”

Me: “Well, you already paid for the books, but I didn’t take any money for the shipping.”

Customer: “You have a very bad memory, young lady! I gave you ten dollars. You went to the register right there and rung in the money!”

(I look over at the register, which clearly displays the last transaction. It shows his total for the three books he bought.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but the register shows that the last thing I did on it was ring up your books.”

Customer: “Well! You just have a TERRIBLE memory! I already paid you!”

Me: “If you want, I can look on the register and show you the last transactions that were made, but—”

Customer: “CHECK.”

(I go through the old receipts, and of course there is no receipt for any shipping. I ask my coworker if she saw me ring it up, since she’s been watching the entire time, and she says no.)

Me: “Sir, there is no receipt on the register. I promise you I did not take your money for anything but the books.”

Customer: “Well, you certainly took care of any future plans I had to do business here!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

(As we finish his transaction, the customer continues muttering under his breath the entire time. Once I put in his order, he suddenly stops muttering.)

Customer: *grudgingly* “…I’m going to have to apologize for giving you such a hard time, young lady.”

(I look over and see that he’s picked up the pile of objects he’d placed on the table during the transaction and, lo and behold, discovered the ten dollar bill he’d accused me of taking underneath. He left the store as quickly as possible and hasn’t been back since!)

Related:
It Pays To Be Patient

Voracity Is The Mother Of Intervention

| Ontario, Canada | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

(This occurs when I’m bringing desserts and coffee to a table with two customers—one middle-aged woman and one elderly woman.)

Me: “Here you go. Is there anything else I can get for you ladies?”

Middle-aged Customer: “An extra fork, please.”

Me: “I’ll get you one right away.”

(After I return with her fork…)

Elderly Customer: “Excuse me, but my coffee is far too strong.”

Middle-aged Customer: “…and old. I tried some, and it’s clearly been sitting for a long time.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about the strength, although I actually made that coffee after you ordered it. I can make you another less strong one if you’d like.”

Elderly Customer: “Yes, please.”

(I leave, make her a new coffee at half-strength and come back to return it, at which point they’ve eaten all of their dessert.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Excuse me, but the mango cheesecake was far too sweet.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that. The cheesecake is something they make in the kitchen, but I’ll certainly let them know for you.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Could I maybe get a discount on it, or have it for free because of that?”

Me: “Um… I can ask the chef for you, but I don’t think he’ll say yes, since you finished the whole thing.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Well, I didn’t mention this earlier, but my dinner was also too salty.”

Me: “Again, I can let them know, and ask about a discount, but you ate the whole thing, so I doubt I’ll be allowed to reduce the price for you.”

Middle-aged Customer: “The scallops in it were mushy, too!”

Me: “Well, they were breaded scallops and the dish you ordered was very saucy. It’s unfortunately unavoidable that they’d get somewhat soft from the sauce. Again, I can talk to the kitchen for you, but I doubt there’ll be any result.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Hmm…” *to the elderly customer* “Did we order any appetizers?”

Elderly Customer: “The appetizer was delicious, you said so yourself. Now stop trying to get freebies and let the poor girl go do her job. There’s other people at other tables that you’re keeping her from helping by holding her here with all your complaints.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Fine! That’s everything. Just bring us the bill.”

(As I leave to go to the kitchen and deliver her complaints, I hear the elderly customer berating the middle-aged one.)

Elderly Customer: “Shame on you, a grown woman! I didn’t raise you to be a greedyguts!”

Related:
Necessity Is The Mother Of Intervention

PINheaded, Part 3

| Brisbane, Australia | At The Checkout, Money, Technology

(In Australia when you pay by card, you can either use a pin number or sign for your purchase if you pay by card. Regardless, you need to have your card on you.)

Me: “Okay, so the total is $17.”

Customer: *comes up $2 short* “Oh, I don’t have enough. I’ll just run to my car to get the $2.”

Me: “Oh, here, I’ll save the transaction and keep your bags back here for you.”

Customer: “Oh, I’ll just pay with my bank card!”

Me: “Okay, go ahead.”

Customer: “I have… a pin.”

Me: “Alrighty, then. Did you have your card?”

Customer: “Yes.” *stares at me*

Me: “Ma’am, you have to put your card in the machine.”

Customer: “I HAVE A PIN! I DON’T SIGN!”

Me: “Ma’am, you have to put your card in the machine for it to take the payment.”

(The customer mutters something about getting the $2 and walks off. I save the order and continue serving other customers. Returning with her money, the woman proceeds to cut the line and slams the correct money on the counter. I process the payment and think she’s about to leave when she starts yelling again.)

Customer: “So, you’re telling me I have to keep my card with me all the time to pay, even though I have a pin?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. The computer can’t process the payment unless the card is in the machine. It doesn’t matter if you have a pin or sign for it.”

Customer: “BUT I HAVE A PIN!” *storms off*

Related:
Pinheaded, Part 2
PINheaded

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