No Plaice For A Jedi

| Seattle, WA, USA | Right | February 25, 2014

(I have just placed an order at a fish ‘n’ chips restaurant.)

Cashier: “Okay, here’s your receipt, sir. Your order number is 66.”

Me: “Huh. How many Order 66’s do you get through every day?”

Cashier: “Two, sometimes three.”

Me: “Wow, all those poor Jedi…”

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No Man-Maid Fantasies

| Bodø, Norway | Right | February 25, 2014

Me: *knocks on the door* “Housekeeping!”

(I hear the voice of the male guest inside.)

Guest: “Like a maid?”

Me: “Uh… yes, I suppose.”

Guest: “Are you wearing a maid’s outfit?”

Me: “I can bet money that it’s not the outfit you are mentally picturing right now, sir.”

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Listening Is Priceless

, | Sacramento, CA, USA | Right | February 25, 2014

(A customer comes in to ask about a large printing order. I inform her that printing her order will take a few hours, but that we could have everything copied by the end of the day. She agrees to place an order with us, as she is in a rush and no other copy center in town could get the prints done in less than seven days.)

Me: “Do you know approximately how many pages you have here?”

Customer: “No… Why?”

Me: “Well, it’s just that the color copies are far more expensive than black and white, and I wanted to give you a quote before we begin. The color ones add up fast!”

Customer: “No, no. Just go ahead. My boss told me he’s being reimbursed anyway, so it doesn’t matter what it costs.”

(I’m skeptical, but she insists. As it turns out, ALL of her documents are in color. As she’s printing training manuals and reference books for a group of 26 employees, she ends up with over 8,000 printed pages of color documents.)

Customer: “And could you assemble them and put them all into binders for me?”

Me: “We sure can! If you hold on just a moment, I can give you a quote for the entire order, including assemb—”

Customer: “No. I don’t want a quote. Just go ahead and do everything.”

Me: “Are you sure? Because you have quite a lot of copies here, and assembly adds an additional fee.”

Customer: “No quote! I’ll be in to pick these up on Monday!”

Me: “But they’re $0.49 per page to start, and you’ve got—”

Customer: “Oh, well! My boss just wants everything done in color, and by Monday.”

(I go along with what the customer wants, but I’m still pretty certain she’s going to flip out when she sees the total, despite my attempts. Sure enough, Monday morning rolls around and the customer arrives…)

Me: “Okay! Your total for copies, tabs, binders, assembly, and all comes to approximately $2400 after tax.”

Customer: “What!? $2000!?”

Me: *sighs*

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No Point Crying Over Stolen Milk

| USA | Right | February 24, 2014

(Milk is subsidized in my state so we don’t offer cash refunds or exchanges unless the product is spoiled or damaged. One man has been exchanging half-empty milk every week for six months claiming each time that the container is leaking. He does it with different clerks and it takes a while before everyone realizes he’s scamming us. As manager, I ask my clerks to let me know if they see him come in so I can talk to him.)

Customer: “I’d like to exchange this milk.”

Me: “Sure, we can certainly do that. Man, you have some rotten luck!”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, you just always seem to have leaky milks. Looking at how little is remaining, it must have really made a mess in your fridge!”

Customer: “Oh. Yeah.”

Me: “Wow, going through a milk every week? I wonder if [Milk Company] knows they have so many leaky containers. I should track this and notify them.”

Customer: *nervously* “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

Me: “Oh. Well, a leaky gallon every week for six months? That’s unacceptable. Maybe you should try another brand? You know, [Milk Company]’s headquarters are just one town over. I could just call them and have them inspect this.”

Customer: *alarmed* “Oh, no, no! It’s fine. I’m all set.”

Me: “Are you sure? Hey, why don’t we go pick out a gallon together. That way we’ll KNOW it isn’t leaking?”

Customer: “Oh, uhhh. I’m sure I won’t have any problems anymore.”

Me: “I really appreciate you letting us know there is an issue with their packaging. I’ll be sure to keep an extra close eye on your milk from now on.”

(The customer leaves in a hurry and we never see him again!)

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Deranged Exchange

| Miami, FL, USA | Right | February 24, 2014

(I work at an electronic cigarette store in a popular local mall. I have just returned from a month-long vacation. I’m counting inventory when a customer approaches.)

Customer: “I bought this from you two weeks ago.”

Me: “From me personally, sir? I’ve been on vacation for the last month, but I’d be happy to help yo—”

Customer: “Yes. I’m sure it was you. The product isn’t working.”

Me: “Can I take a look? Often times it’s a quick fix.”

Customer: “No. I’d just like to exchange it.”

Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your receipt?”

Customer: “No. Just give me a new one.”

Me: “Sure. Let me see if I can diagnose the problem and perhaps you can keep the one you have after all. If not I’ll be happy to replace it.”

Customer: “I didn’t bring it with me.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Well? Are you going to exchange it?”

Me: “Unfortunately I’m unable to process an exchange without you giving me the product back.”

Customer: “Just give me another one for free!”

Me: “Sir, as I stated, I unfortunately cannot give you a new product for free without receiving the old one from you.”

Customer: “Fine. In that case I’d like to return it.”

Me: “Again, sir. I cannot give you back your money if you do not have the product to return to me.”

Customer: “NOBODY TOLD ME THAT! THEY SAID I COULD COME BACK AND RETURN IT WITHIN TWO WEEKS, AND IT’S BEEN TWO WEEKS!”

Me: *remaining calm* “So, let me get this straight: you want to return your product and get your money back, but you don’t have the actual product to ‘return’ to me?”

Customer: “YES! WHY IS THIS SO F****** DIFFICULT?! GIVE ME MY MONEY OR I’LL KICK YOUR A**!”

(The man pushes me. I am a bit shocked that this has escalated so quickly but I keep my composure.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but that will not be possible.”

Customer: “YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF LIARS AND CHEATS! I WILL CALL THE POLICE!”

Me: “I would be happy to provide you with the number of the local police department if you’d like. Then when they get here you can explain to them how you assaulted me and threatened to ‘kick my a**’ when I very nicely explained that I cannot process a return for an item that you are not actually returning.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “So, would you like that number? Or I can call if that would be more convenient for you, sir.”

Customer: “Well… F*** you!” *storms off*

Me: *yelling to the customer as he leaves* “You have a pleasant evening, too, sir!”

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