Ersatz-Guile Dysfunction

| Pennsylvania, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I work for a bank’s fraud claims department.)

Caller: “I did not do this transaction from [male enhancement supplements company].”

Me: “Sir, I see that the merchant was able to verify your name, full address, and card CVV. Is there anyone else who has access to your card?”

Caller: “This is fraud! I don’t even know who the f*** they are!”

Me: “I understand, but if they have your address, most likely the product was shipped to you.”

Caller: “D*** it. I did it, okay? IT DIDN’T WORK!”

One More Lonely Girl In The World

| USA | Uncategorized

(This happens a couple weeks before Christmas. The mall has a few gift counters that offer free gift wrappings. An old man buys a couple of Justin Bieber CDs from us.)

Me: “Are these a gift? We offer free gift wrapping services over at–”

Old man: *angrily* “Why do you assume I’m giving it someone?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Those CDs are usually more popular with teenage girls.”

Old man: “They’re for me! I do not like this sort of discrimination!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry.”

(He storms out, nearly tripping over his feet on the way out.)

Me: “You okay, sir?”

Old man: “I can walk! Stop discriminating!”

Some Things Just Don’t Add Up, Part 3

| Livingston, NJ, USA | Math & Science, Money

(I have just rung up a customer who is purchasing two items that are part of a two for $5 promotion in our store.)

Customer: *sighing in exasperation* “You didn’t ring this up correctly. They’re supposed to be two for $5.”

Me: “I’m sorry…I’m pretty sure the items came to $5 before tax. May I look at the receipt again to make sure?”

Customer: “You think I don’t know what I’m talking about?”

(The customer slams receipt on the counter and jabs her finger at the prices.)

Customer: “See what I’m talking about?! You rang both items up at $2.50!”

Me: “Yes. $2.50 plus $2.50 is $5.”

Customer: “Whatever! You aren’t worth my time!”

Related:
Some Things Just Don’t Add Up, Part 2
Some Things Just Don’t Add Up

Don’t Make Me Clean Up This One

| California, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

Customer: “I love the f*** out of yogurt. I would make love to yogurt!”

Me: *awkward laughter*

(The customer picks her yogurt and I ring her up without any issues.)

Customer: “Do y’all have a bathroom I can take this into?”

A Screw (Or Two) Loose

| Chester, UK | Uncategorized

(A customer calls our shop phone. Usually the customers just call to check stock.)

Me: “Hello, [store], how can I help you today?”

Customer: “You owe me two screws!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I’ve just been in your shop and bought a box of screws. When I got home, there were two missing!”

Me: “Sir, are you telling me you have opened and counted out an entire box of screws?”

Customer: “Of course I did! There two missing! So, get somebody out to me now with the two screws that you owe me!”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid we can’t do that. Even if we could, we wouldn’t, because if you look on the side of the box it clearly states “Approximately 200 Screws”.”

Customer: *hangs up*

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