The Joke Is On (And In) Him

| TX, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal & Illegal, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month

(I work in a party and joke item store. Our policy for backpacks is you have to leave them at the front door, no matter what. I stop three kids as they enter.)

Me: “Excuse me, you have to leave your backpack at the front by the door.”

(Two of the kids put their bags up front. The third pretends he didn’t hear me.)

Me: “You have to put your backpack up front.”

Kid: “What? Why? Someone’s going to steal it if I leave it up front.”

Me: “I doubt anyone will want your backpack, but if it bothers you that much, write your name on a slip of paper and I’ll attach it to the bag.”

Kid: “F*** no. I’m not going to steal anything. You a**holes always think I’m going to steal something.”

Me: “The policy is that you put your bag up front. No one is immune to that policy. I don’t care if you’re an elderly man with a bag of candy; you still put it up front.”

Kid: “Man…”

(The kid gets annoyed and drops his bag at the door, and then stomps off after his friends. Thirty minutes later, he comes back.)

Kid: “See? I didn’t steal s***!”

(As soon as the kid picks his bag up, a plastic knife drops from his pants pocket, along with a pirate’s gold tooth, and a rubber mask slides halfway from under his shirt.)

Giving The Homeless A Fair Deal

| BC, Canada | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Money

(I work in a popular sandwich shop on the main strip of our town. Every once in a while, we run certain deals.)

Me: “Hey there! What can I make for you this evening?”

Customer: “I want a foot-long ham. That’s part of the deal, right?”

Me: “No, just [sub #1], [sub #2], and [sub #3].”

Customer: “Okay. I’ll get a meatball.”

Me: “That’s not one of the deals.”

Customer: “It’s fine, whatever.”

(I should note that our town has quite a few homeless people. Most of them are quite friendly and always come in and buy things. One of the nicer ones is drinking a coffee at the front of the store. I finish making the sandwich and ring the guy in.)

Me: “So that’ll be [price].”

Customer: “WHAT!? I don’t want it if it’s not part of the deal! You told me it was part of the deal!”

Me: “I told you explicitly that it was not part of the deal.”

Customer: “Well I don’t even want it!”

(The customer drops the sandwich on the counter, and I turn to the regular homeless man.)

Me: “Hey [Name], you want a free meatball sub?”

Homeless Regular: “Heck yeah!”

(The customer grumbles about wanting free food, and scurries off.)

Check Out With A Check

| Fort Lauderdale, FL, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Liars & Scammers, Money, Theme Of The Month

(I work at a small, boutique hotel. At about 6:15 am, a guest comes up to the desk to check out.)

Me: “How was your stay, ma’am?”

Guest: “Great!”

Me: “I see that there was a cash deposit on the room. Unfortunately, as you were told at check-in, we are not able to process the deposit at this time, as it is locked in the safe, and the person who can open it will not be here until 9 am. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

Guest: “That’s unacceptable! I can’t believe you are refusing to give me my money! I am going to complain to Corporate. Now give me my money!”

Me: “I am sorry, but I as I just explained to you, I am unable to do that at this time.”

Guest: “I don’t care! What a rip-off! You will give me my money now! I am not coming back to this h***-hole!”

Me: “No problem; we will send a check to the address we have on file.”

Me: “That’s not acceptable! I demand you f****** crooks give me my money!”

(This goes on for another 10 minutes; every time I try to explain the issues, she cuts me off. Finally, I have had enough.)

Me: *firmly* “Madam! If you would allow me to finish, the only guest we have on record for that room is a 32-year-old man. Is Mr. [Name] with you?”

Guest: “No! He said I could get it for him. Now give me my money!”

Me: “In that case, ma’am, I’m afraid you just don’t get it.”

Guest: ” Listen, fat-a**. Give me my money, or I’ll break your face!”

Me: “We have no authority to let anyone besides the registered guest receive those funds, after the room has been inspected, and the safe has been opened. Now, this conversation is over! Please leave the property before I call the police to have you removed.”

(My boss has just come in, and he also orders her off the property. When she tries to go after him, he instructs me to call 911. We finally get her to leave before the police arrive. My boss turns to me.)

Boss: “You’re too patient! She’s probably a hooker trying to score herself a tip! Call 911 first next time!”