Chalk Is His Kryptonite

| FL, USA | Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Top

Customer: “I also want a pound of Swiss cheese, but I don’t want it sliced.”

Me: “So you’d just like a one-pound block of cheese?”

Customer: “Exactly. Can you do that?”

Me: “I sure can.”

(I take the cheese over to the sandwich station to get a large knife, measure approximately where I think one pound would be, and cut off a block. I put it on the scale, and much to my satisfaction, the weight of the block I cut is 1.005 pounds.)

Me: “Well hey, that was pretty good!”

(The customer looks at the scales.)

Customer: “Oh, my God! How did you do that?!”

Me: “Lots of practice?”

Customer: “No, no, that wouldn’t do it. You must have some kind of supernatural cheese power!”

Me: “Well, I was born on a dying cheese planet, and sent to Earth in a cheese rocket by my parents. Exposure to Earth’s yellow sun gives me cheese powers.”

Customer: “Whoa. Honey, come here! You’ve got to see this!”

(The customer’s wife comes over and listens to the story.)

Customer’s Wife: “Holy s***. Can you do that again?”

(I look over at my manager, who rolls her eyes and gives me a ‘go ahead’ wave. I cut another block off the Swiss cheese and weigh it. It comes up to 0.995 pounds.)

Customer’s Wife: “Jesus Christ!”

(She grabs the arm of another passing customer.)

Customer’s Wife: “You’ve got to see this! This guy is Cheese Man!”

Me: “Ma’am, please don’t give away my secret identity. The cheese villains of the world would hunt me down.”

They Need A Backup Sign

| OR, USA | Theme Of The Month, Top, Transportation, Wild & Unruly

(A customer pulls up to the pumps, but her tank is on the other side of the car.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, can you back up and go to the other side of the pump?”

(The customer gets a look of sheer and utter panic.)

Customer: “No! I don’t backup. You do it. I don’t know how.”

(The customer tries to give me the keys to her car.)

Me: “Uhm, sorry but no, ma’am. I am not allowed to get in a customer’s car, or drive it. If you don’t want to back up you can pull forward out of the lot, circle the block, and try again.”

Customer: “No! That will take too long. How do I backup?! Can’t you do it?”

Me: “Well, you shift you car into reverse, and gently press on the gas. It will go backwards. When you have gone past the pump press your brake, shift back to drive and pull up on the other side.”

(She stares at me like I am speaking a foreign language. With a little more coaching and pointing from me, she manages to get her car in reverse. She then slams her foot on the gas, backs up all the way across the station, and slams into the sign that shows our gas prices, wrecking the sign, and the back of her car.)

Customer: “THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”

Me: “Actually, lady, it’s yours. And I think a little blame goes to whoever gave you a license without teaching you to backup.”

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 20

| Scotland | At The Checkout, Money

Scotland, UK

(A customer comes to the counter with a cauliflower, and a bag of potatoes.)

Me: “Okay, that’s £3.36.”

Customer: “What? How much is the cauliflower?”

Me: “It’s £1.36.”

Customer: “£1.36? That’s ridiculous! That’s about twice the price of [local supermarket]. I can’t afford to pay that much on my pension!”

Me: “Would you like me to take it off?”

Customer: “Yes please. I can’t possibly afford it. Oh, and can you give me two £5 scratch-cards please?”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 19
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 18
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 17
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 16
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 15
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 14
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 13
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 12