(A passenger comes through my security checkpoint at the airport. She is the most scatterbrained individual I have ever seen, and has had to go through the metal detector three times: once for her belt, another time for her hairclips, and finally, for her dog tags.)
Passenger: “Geez, I’m sorry, you know? I don’t mean to be so brain dead.”
Me: “It’s fine, ma’am.”
(I hand the passenger her dogtags and sees she’s in the Navy.)
Me: “Oh, my brother is in the Navy. What do you do?”
Passenger: *laughs sheepishly* “You’ll love this. I work on a nuclear reactor.”
(I’m in the library, queueing at the front desk to take out two books. I’m standing with my arms wrapped around the books. Patron #1 is talking to a librarian at the counter, while Patron #2 is waiting further down the counter.)
Patron #1: “Do you have any Islamic books?”
Patron #2: *patronizing* “No, dear, because this isn’t a Muslim country. It’s a Christian country.”
(Patron #2 looks around at me and the librarian as though she expects us to agree. We are both white.)
Librarian: “Actually, we have a collection Islamic books in both Urdu and English. They’re just over here.”
(The librarian shows Patron #1 to the books.)
Patron #2: *to me* “Can you believe that? Why do we need Paki books in our libraries? This is what’s wrong with this country. Maybe instead of speaking Paki, they should learn English and try to fit in!”
(I remove my books from my arms and lay them out clearly where she can see them. I have a sociological study of the Philippines and a history of India, as my two closest friends were born there).
Me: “Maybe what we need are more books that teach people to stop being bigoted and start respecting and understanding other people.”
Patron #2: *scoffs at me and leaves*
Our Great DiscrimiNation (Not Always Working)
(At the kennel where I’m the receptionist, we offer a discount if two dogs can share the same run.)
Customer: “Can you tell me your pricing?”
Me: “Sure, it’s [price] per dog per night, unless you have two dogs who can share a run. You’re just looking for a single?”
Customer: *completely serious* “Yes, my dog’s not married.”
(I am a customer standing in line at the bank. Two customers behind me start complaining about the length of the line.)
Customer #1: “Look at this! It’s ridiculous!”
Customer #2: “They are moving so slow! The workers should get fired for being so lazy!”
(This goes on for a couple of minutes. When I draw even with the complaining customers in the switchbacked line, I decide I can’t take it anymore and speak up.)
Me: “Look at the windows, ladies! Every one of them has customers who didn’t take the time to fill out their slips. Now the tellers have to do it for them, and that takes twice as long! They’re the ones holding up all of us, not the nice people trying to help them!”
(Note: I’m talking loud enough for everyone at the windows to hear, hoping maybe next time they’ll wise up.)
Customers #1 and #2: *shocked*
Me: “Let me guess. Wanna borrow my pen?”
(The complaining customers sheepishly agree and fill out their slips. Three or four others in line also grab slips and start scribbling, while the customers at the windows look suitably embarrassed. When I finally get to a teller window, she leans towards me and confides in me.)
Teller: *whispering* “Thank you, from everyone here! I wish I could save the security tape of that!”
Conspiracy Theories! In this week’s roundup, we feature five stories of customers getting kooky over conspiracies!
- Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia (8,490 thumbs up)
This frantic 911 caller begs to be delivered from evil… with a side of breadsticks, of course!
- His Groceries Have Just Been Terminated (2,750 thumbs up)
Now hiring at the grocery store: managers, stockers, Skynet…
- We Can Thank Hollywood And “Hacker” Films For This (2,649 thumbs up)
Tech Support: 1337 [email protected] in ur carz, pwning ur batteriez!
- In CyberSpace, No One Can Hear You Scream (2,374 thumbs up)
Tinfoil is a proven anti-alien deterrent, but only if you wrap the dog, too.
- Lost In Translation (2,585 thumbs up)
Don’t translate this, because the government kills translators!
PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!
PS #2: Read more roundups here!