Breaking Bread Can Break You Up

, | Maine, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners

(A couple comes in and races up to the sandwich unit.)

Woman: “Hi, we only need one sandwich for our kid. I’m gonna make it quick, I promise. He wants a six inch white—”

Man: “No, he doesn’t. He wants flatbread.”

Woman: “No, he wants white!”

Man: “Flatbread!”

Woman: “Shut up, I know what he wants!”

Man: “No, you don’t! He won’t eat white bread!”

Woman: *sighs* “Is there any way I can get the sandwich on a flatbread, but put white bread on the side? I know I’m right, and he hates flatbreads.”

Me: “Yes, of course. It’s just costs a bit extra.”

Woman: “Okay, so turkey and cheddar cheese.”

Man: *shakes his head* “He likes American.”

Woman: “No, he doesn’t!”

Man: “Yes, he does!”

Woman: “Shut up! You’re confusing people!”

Me: “Would you like me to put some American on the side?”

Woman: “No! He HATES American, so there’s no point. Besides, he wants it toasted.”

Man: “Finally! Something right!”

Woman: “Right, so toasted with olives and mustard, and that’s it.”

Man: “He wants lettuce, too.”

Woman: “Fine, s***! Put lettuce on there and when he won’t eat it. Whatever!”

Me: “…Anything else?”

Woman: “No. HE’S probably confusing you already.”

Man: “YOU’RE the confusing one.”

(I ring them up and they calm down as they get ready to leave.)

Woman: “Thanks, sorry about that. We didn’t mean to confuse you!”

Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 9

| Charlotte, NC, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “Thank you for calling [store name and location]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was wondering what time you closed? I need to bring in my computer monitor and exchange it for a new one.”

Me: “We close at nine. If you don’t mind my asking, why do you need to exchange yours, ma’am? I may be able to help and save you the trip.”

Customer: “Well, I saw that you all sold those wireless monitors and was going to get one but they’re so expensive. So I just decided to make mine a wireless one instead. But I guess I must have done it wrong because now it won’t work.”

Me: “You… tried to make your monitor into a wireless one? How?”

Customer: “Oh, I just cut the cord that was dangling out of it. Like I said, I must have cut it wrong though. So I need a new one.”

Me: “I… see. Well, um, ma’am, I’m sorry to tell you this, but, well, I can’t just give you a new monitor because you destroyed your old one.”

Customer: “Really? Well. We’ll just see about that, won’t we? I’m going to come in and speak to your manager. Then we’ll see who does what for whom!”

(She came in with her self-destroyed monitor, and no, she didn’t get a new one!)

Related:
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 8
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 7
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 6
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 5
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
Wireless, Clueless & Hopeless

Wherever You Go, There US Are

| Ireland | Geography, Tourists/Travel

(I am a tour guide at a 15th century Irish castle. I am covering the desk when two tourists come through to exit.)

Me: “Thank you for visiting. Did you enjoy your tour?”

Tourist #1: “NO!”

Me: “I’m sorry. May I ask why?”

Tourist #1: “That tour guide talked funny.”

Tourist #2: “Yeah, she had a funny accent.”

Me: “You mean Irish?”

Tourist #1: “Yeah, we didn’t understand a word she said.”

Tourist #2: You shouldn’t have guides we can’t understand!”

Me: “I’m sorry but this is Ireland.”

Tourist #1:You don’t have an Irish accent!”

Me: “I’m not from here, though.”

(At this point, another tourist who has been waiting to be served speaks up.)

Another Tourist: “Sorry, ladies, but you’re in Ireland in an Irish castle. What were you expecting?”

Tourists #1 and #2: “Americans!”

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An Ink-ling That They’ve Been Cell-eeping Around

| Saginaw, MI, USA | Love/Romance, Technology

Customer: “Hey man, you do printers? I got this printer here. It doesn’t work, doesn’t print, doesn’t take paper, and just says ‘carriage jam.’ How much you tryin’ to charge me here?”

Me: “Whoa, hold on. Let’s take a look. It’s usually just a piece of paper in there. No big deal.”

(I plug the printer in, load up some scrap paper to test it on, and hit the copy button. It makes a makes a horrible grinding noise and shakes so hard the front panel pops open.)

Me: “Okay, that’s not a piece of paper. Any idea what happened?”

Customer: “No, man. I was just printing… uh… pictures, man… just nothing for work, you know?”

(I open all the access doors and start pushing against the rollers. I see a gray object with a headphone jack and a screen on it stuck way down into the mechanism.)

Me: “Sir, have you lost a cell phone recently?”

Customer: “No, man. It’s not a cell phone. It’s a printer, man. PRIN-TER.”

Me: “No, I know. It’s just… you seem to have a cellphone stuck down in there.”

I turn the printer around and show the customer. I eventually get his cellphone out, and as I go to print his receipt and he powers up his phone. Suddenly, the customer starts screaming, scaring everyone in the store.)

Customer: “That b****! F***ing w****! It’s HIS phone!” *breaks the phone*

(The customer gets a grip on himself and manages to pay his bill.)

Customer: “Knew it! F***ing knew it!” *walks out the store, minus his printer or cellphone*

Must Be This Smart To Ride

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Family & Kids

(A theme park guest and her son want to board a ride. I check the boy’s height to make sure he can ride it, but sadly he is about four inches too short.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Your son isn’t tall enough to ride.”

Guest: “What do you mean? Your sign says he can ride with a responsible person.”

Me: “The sign also says he must be a certain height to ride.”

Guest: “No, it doesn’t. Fix your sign now!”

(I take the guest and her son out to the entrance of the attraction, and show her word for word the ride requirements.)

Guest: “Well, this is outrageous!”

Guest’s Little Boy: “Gosh mom, can’t you read? Do you want me to die?!”

Guest: *storms off angrily*

Guest’s Little Boy: *to me, while being led away* “Have a good day! Bye!”

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