You’re Just Shorting Yourself

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Food & Drink, Math & Science, Money, Top

(On this day, we are selling cups of tall coffee for a quarter to celebrate our 25th anniversary in Canada.)

Customer #1: “One short dark coffee.”

Me: “Oh, today is your lucky day! A tall coffee is a quarter, so let me get you a bigger cup of coffee for less money!”

Customer #1: “I want a short.”

Me: “Well, a short is 8 oz at $1.74 after tax, but a tall is 12 oz at $0.28 after tax—today only.”

Customer #1: “Don’t cheat me! I don’t want more coffee!”

Me: “But it costs less…maybe I could charge you for a tall and just fill it half way?”

Customer #1: “Stop your trickery and give me what I want. You are trying to rip me off!”

Me: “Okay. One short coffee…that’s $1.74.”

Customer #1: “Thank you. Was that so freaking hard?!”

(The customer walks away, and the next customer approaches.)

Customer #2: “So, let me get this straight: I can get like four coffees for the price of a short?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer #2: “Oh, that’s a great deal! I’ll get four!”

(Hearing this, Customer #1 turns back to the counter, enraged.)

Customer #1: “You’re giving him FOUR?! You’re playing favorites, you b****!”

Me: *shocked*

Customer #2: “How much do you hate your job right now?”

E Pluribus Dumbum

| Pennsylvania, USA | Language & Words

(We have a regular customer who always brings in his latest metal detector find for me to see, knowing that I’m a fan of antiques and history.)

Customer: “See this ring my metal detector found this morning?”

Me: *looks at the ring* “It looks like an old military officer’s ring. See the rank insignia on one side, the army seal on the other, and ‘E pluribus unum’ around where there used to be a gem/stone?”

Customer: “‘In God we trust.'”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “‘E pluribus unum’ means ‘In God we trust.'”

Me: “Actually, it is Latin for ‘Out of many, one.’ It’s the nation’s motto, meaning we are many states and people, but one country.”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “NO! It means ‘In God we trust’, like on money! WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICA?!” *storms out*

Open Says-A-Me

| San Diego, CA, USA | Technology

(I remote into computers so I can fix our company’s software. I only fix our company’s software, not general computer problems.)

Me: “Ma’am, it looks like I’m having problems saving this file in your Windows directory. I’m going to need administrative rights. Can you log in as an administrator?”

Customer: “Okay, you have my permission.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You have my permission. I give you rights!”

Me: “No, I mean, I need access to an administrative account.”

Customer: “You have permission! I told you!”

Me: “Uhh…sorry, ma’am, I don’t have your password. I need you to actually log off of this account and log in as someone else with administrative rights.”

Customer: “Ooohhh…”

Water You, Stupid, Part 7

| NY, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I am assembling coffees when I hear this conversation between a customer and the cashier. Note: our tap water is used to brew the coffee and is very clean.)

Customer #1: “I would like a bottle of water.”

Cashier: “Actually, we’re currently out of bottled water, but we can put ice in a cup and fill it with tap water. We won’t charge for it!”

Customer #1: “How could you say such a thing?! Everyone knows that tap water has salmonella in it! You can’t expect me to give that to my children!”

(The customer then storms off without buying anything. The next customer walks up, laughing.)

Customer #2: “I’ll take a water with extra salmonella!”

Related:
Water You, Stupid, Part 6
Water You, Stupid, Part 5
Water You, Stupid, Part 4
Water You, Stupid, Part 3
Water You, Stupid, Part 2
Water You, Stupid

You Can Lead A Horse Doctor To Water

| Virginia, USA | Health & Body, Pets & Animals

Caller: “Hi, this is [name] with [co-op store]. I need to return some [animal] vaccines that are out of date.”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Let me just look up your invoice so I can see what you last bought this item…”

(I take a few moments to check on her past vaccine orders.)

Me: “Ma’am, the last time you bought this item was in 2009. That was three years ago.”

Caller: “Yeah, so? I need to have it returned so I can get a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t return this.”

Caller: “Why the H*** not?!”

Me: “If I came to your store three years ago and bought a vaccine, would you let me return it today and give me a refund?”

Caller: “Well, that’s absurd. Of course not. You would have had the vaccine long enough to use it before it went out of date….oh…I see…have a nice day.”

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