Without Money, You’re Just Funny

| South Dakota, USA | Money

(I work at the customer service counter at a grocery chain. We sell tickets for the state lotteries. A disheveled-looking gentleman approaches the counter and buys a ticket.)

Customer: “What’s the [lottery name] up to?”

Me: “The current jackpot is [amount].”

Customer: “That’d be kind of nice, you know. I’d be eccentric if I had that much money. Right now, I’m just weird!”

Some Customers Are Out Of Line

| Canandaigua, NY, USA | At The Checkout

(We have a customer who occasionally comes in who is in a wheelchair. So, to make things easy, he just calls us when he’s in the parking lot and asks for assistance. We come out and take care of getting movies for him. This happens right after I come back in to grab him a movie, and hop back on the register. There is one other person in line.)

Customer: “This is absolute bulls***. Why can’t he just get out of his car like everyone else?!”

Me: “Sorry, guys, but he’s a paraplegic and this would just make things easier on him.”

Customer: “That’s no excuse! He should come in like the rest of us! I want you to take care of me now. I was first in line!”

Me: “With all due respect, no, you weren’t. He called long before you got up to the register, and I’m not gonna make him get out of his car and potentially hurt himself to save you an extra 20 seconds. I will be with you in a second.”

Customer: *shuts up*

This Trip Is Not Going To Pan-ama Out

| Texas, USA | Geography, Tourists/Travel

Customer: “I’ve never taken a cruise before, but I really want to try one.”

Me: “I’d be happy to help you plan your first cruise. Where would you like to visit?”

Customer: “I’m thinking a short, roundtrip, tropical cruise, to either the Bahamas or the Caribbean.”

Me: “Sounds great! We offer a wide variety of roundtrip Bahamas and Caribbean cruises. Which departure port do you have in mind?”

Customer: “Vancouver.”

Employees Are Sharper Than You Think

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers

(Pharmacy law in Utah says that it’s up to the pharmacist’s discretion if they want to sell insulin needles/syringes without a prescription. Our store has the policy that the patient either has to have a prescription for the syringes or for an injectable medication on file.)

Customer: “I need to get some syringes.”

Me: “Okay, I need your name so I can look up the prescription.”

Customer: “Actually, they’re not for me. They’re for my mom.”

Me: “Okay, what’s her name?”

Customer: “Well, not my mom. My best friend’s mom who’s like a mom to me.”

Me: “What’s her name?”

Customer: “Actually, it’s for her dog.”

Me: “What’s the dog’s name?”

Customer: “I…don’t know.”

Me: “Then I’m not selling you any syringes.”

Customer: *walks away in defeat*

Intolerable Intolerance

| California, USA | Bigotry, Top

(I am working as a barista when two young men walk into the shop, holding hands and laughing. They order their coffee and sit down at one of the tables, but about fifteen minutes in a middle-aged man approaches the two of them.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but are you two together?”

Young Customers: *nodding in unison*

Customer: “Could you switch tables, then? You’re making my wife and me uncomfortable.”

Young Customer #1: “I don’t think we’re actually doing anything wrong, are we?”

Customer: “Well, we don’t want to look at it! We don’t believe in being—”

(Suddenly, the young man leans across the table to give his partner a fairly chaste peck on the lips.)

Young Customer #2: “Personally, I don’t believe in being a self-righteous prick, but I don’t ask you to leave.”

Customer: “This is an outrage!

(The customer storms back to his table and grabs his wife by the wrist.)

Customer: *to his wife* “Come on, we’re leaving!”

(After the middle-aged couple left, everyone else in the coffee shop stared with wide eyes for a moment, shocked at what had just occurred. Slowly, though, some of the surrounding tables began clapping, until the entire coffee shop was filled with applause.)

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