Completin’ Ain’t Cheatin’

| Anchorage, AK, USA | Uncategorized

(My coworker is showing a customer a series of trivia games. Each revolves around a different subject: science, geography, presidents, etc.)

Coworker: “They’re a really fun way to learn new things, and the wide variety gives you a lot of options.”

Customer: “But what if the kids memorize all the answers?”

Coworker: “…Mission accomplished?”

Customer: “Oh… oh! Yeah, of course…”

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The Son Will Come Up, Tomorrow

| Denver, CO, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(Note: I am currently two weeks into my new job, and am the newest employee on staff. I’m working the drive-thru.)

Me: “Welcome to [coffee shop]. I hope you’re having a great morning! Can I take your order?”

Customer: “I want a nonfat venti latte, seven pumps of vanilla, extra whipped cream, and you’d better make it fast, b****! I can’t believe you folks are so slow. This is a DRIVE-THRU! I shouldn’t even have to stop my car!”

Me: *mortified* “We’ll have that right up for you. Please pull around for your total.”

(When the car reaches the window, I see that the woman’s adult son, a regular customer, is driving the car.)

Customer’s Son: “I’m so sorry about my mother. She’s a cranky old b**** who doesn’t know how to shut her mouth. Thanks for the coffee. Here’s a tip for putting up with her bulls***!”

(He drops a ten-dollar bill into our tip jar before driving off. He now comes back as a regular customer each morning—without his mother. He always tips generously and has something nice to say to me!)

The Faux-teen Of Youth

| Queensland, Australia | Criminal & Illegal, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Underaged

(Working in a liquor store one night, a male who looks about 16 enters the store. Please note: this happened in 2009.)

Customer: *places beers on the counter* “Hi, I’ll just have these, thanks, and a bottle of rum.”

Me: “Uh, sure mate. I’ll need to see some ID first.”

(The customer produces ID, and it looks real—his photo on it, holograms where they should be—but one thing stands out: his DOB says he was born in 1929.)

Me: “So. 1929 huh? You sure don’t look 80 to me.”

Customer: “I’m over 18 though, aren’t I?”

Me: “I think you better get out of my store before I call the cops, Gramps.”

(The kid left the beer on the counter and ran off. He also left his ID, which I kept to show off to my friends. We all had a good laugh about it!)

Mayonnaise Squirted, Disaster Averted

| Charleston, SC, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(A girl comes into our sandwich shop asking if we are hiring. I explain how to apply online, so she leaves a copy of a resume, thanks me, and leaves. 10 minutes later, the same girl reenters the store and orders a sub. My coworker serves her, but I overhear the entire exchange.)

Girl: “I want [sandwich] on wheat bread; a 6-inch. Put mayo on the bread.”

(The girl’s requests grow increasingly complex. She asks for an extra of everything, including a total of four requests for more mayo on the sub. By the end, there is probably half a bottle of mayo on the 6-inch sub. My coworker goes to close up and wrap the sandwich.)

Girl: “Hey, don’t you think that sandwich looks messy? I don’t want to eat that. Make me another one.”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I made this sub exactly to your specifications. You asked for double veggies and 10 times the regular amount of sauce. If I remake your sub, the new one will look exactly like this, so I’m afraid can’t keep wasting product like that. We would be happy to give you extra napkins, though.”

Girl: “This is ridiculous! I don’t want to eat that ugly a** sub! MAKE ME A NEW ONE, D*** IT!”

(The girl storms out in a huff. Having recognized her as the same girl from earlier in the day, I immediately tore up her resume.)

Me: *to my coworker* “If she’s that rude when she’s asking for a job, imagine how bad it would be if she was an employee.”

Their Bark Is Worse Than Any Dog’s Bite

| San Diego, CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

(I work at a pet store that also offers boarding/day care services for dogs. We have three day camps, two of which are visible to customers inside and outside of the store. I am on my way back from a break when I notice a father, mother, and child standing in front of a window, looking into one of the day camps.)

Me: “Hello! I see you have noticed one of our day camp rooms. Do you have any questions about our boarding and day camp services?”

Father: “Yes, we do. What is that dog?” *points*

Me: “That would be Oso. He’s a real sweetheart.”

Father: “And what breed is he?”

Me: “He’s a Great Pyrenees mix.”

Mother: “We’ll take him.”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Mother: “I SAID, we’ll take him.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but these dogs are not for sale.”

Father: “What?”

Me: “All of these dogs are staying with us while their owners are out of town. Some of them, like Oso, only come in for a few hours every day because the owners don’t want them to be left home alone all day.”

Mother: “That’s ridiculous. Why would you have these dogs on display if they weren’t for sale?”

Father: “We’d like to purchase that dog. How much is he?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but none of these dogs are for sale. We do offer adoption services on weekends, so you are more than welcome to come back on Saturday and look at the puppies.”

Child: *whining* “I want the dooooggiiiiiiie!”

Father: “Yes, but we want THAT dog. How much is he?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but none of these dogs are for sale. They all have owners.”

Mother: “Then how about that dog?” *points at a different one*

Me: “I don’t know what that dog’s name is.”

Mother: “No, no, how much is that dog? If the first one isn’t for sale, then what about this one?”

Me: “Ma’am, NONE of the dogs are for sale. They ALL have owners.”

Mother: “Then why are you displaying them in the store if they aren’t for sale?!”

Child: “I WANT THE DOGGIE!”

Me: “Excuse me, but I need to clock back in from break. Let me get the manager…”

(When the store manager came by, they asked how much Oso was again. When they were told he was not for sale, the child threw a major temper tantrum, both of the parents starting yelling at the store manager, and they only left after the store manager threatened to call security.)

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