Of Mice And Mental Regrets

| Georgia, USA | Pets & Animals, Top

(I’m helping a customer in the small animals area at our pet store.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like some feeder animals for my snake.”

Me: “Certainly. Would you like mice or rats?”

Customer: “I’m not sure.”

Me: “Well, how big is your snake?”

Customer: *holds hands a good distance apart* “He’s a ball python… pretty big.”

Me: “Okay, so maybe a rat…”

(I show him to our rats. Note that we have small and medium rats in different cages.)

Customer: “Why are the ones on the bottom more expensive?”

Me: “They’re just bigger than the ones on top.”

Customer: “How long until they get that big?”

Me: “I’m not sure. They’re at least a few months old when we get them.”

Customer: “No, how long does it take them to grow from those?” *points to the mice*

Me: “You mean the mice?”

Customer: “Yeah, how long does it take them to grow into these guys?” *points back to the rats* “Like, what’s the difference between the rats and the mice?”

Me: “Um, they don’t grow into rats. They’re two different species.”

Customer: “So these guys aren’t big mice?”

Me: “No, they’re rats.”

Customer: “Oh… well, I feel like an idiot.”

Me: *laughs* “It’s okay. It’s an easy mistake to make.’

Customer: “…I worked at a pet store for three years.”

Recaf My Decaf

| Texas, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

Me: “Thanks for calling [pizza delivery]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to speak to your manager on duty.”

Me: “That would be me. What can I do for you?”

Caller: “I had placed an order with you earlier, and got [caffeinated soft drink] and [non-caffeinated soft drink]. I opened [non-caffeinated soft drink] and it tasted funny and raised my blood pressure. You must have tampered with it and added caffeine. I’d like a replacement.”

Me: “I can assure you that your drink wasn’t tampered with. It’s in sealed bottle from the manufacturer. But, what would you like instead?”

Caller: “I’d like another drink.”

(I list the four drinks we carry, three of which have caffeine.)

Caller: “I’d like a [another caffeinated soft drink].”

Me: “So, you’re going to replace [non-caffeinated soft drink] that was supposedly tampered with and had caffeine added for a drink that is guaranteed to have caffeine?”

Caller: “You got it!”

Me: *sighs* “It’ll be the in about thirty minutes, sir. Have a nice day…”

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Bequeather

| Sydney, Australia | Awesome Customers, Time, Top

(Most customers at the café where I work are regulars, including an older couple who comes in every Saturday. The wife is slightly disabled and has a mild facial disfigurement. She has previously complimented me on a certain necklace I wear. Today, I’m not exactly in a good place. While I am washing up, she comes to the side of the shop and calls me.)

Wife: “I want to see you when you get a moment!”

(When I go to clean the tables, I walk over to her table.)

Me: “You wanted to show me something?”

(The wife hands me a small bag. Inside is an assortment of beautiful gold jewellery with sparkling stones.)

Me: “Oh, they’re so beautiful! Thank you for showing me these!”

Wife: “Keep them.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Wife: “I bought them for you.”

Me: “For me? Are you sure?”

Wife: “Yes, I ordered them for you. Do you like them?”

Me: “Of course I do… thank you. I’m very touched.”

Wife: “It’s alright, darling. You’re a beautiful girl, and I want to help you if you need it!”

(It’s moments like these that remind me there’s still good in the world.)

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With All Douche Respect

| Kansas City, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Money, Top

(Note: I am working the express lane in a large department store. Note that we also have a bank branch located inside our store, although this is not where I work.)

Customer #1: “Give me that ten back in a roll of quarters.”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t have enough quarters, and even if I did, I’m not allowed to sell rolls of quarters.”

Customer #1: “Are you kidding me? Is that from you, or your manager?”

Cashier: “That’s store policy.”

Customer #1: “That’s f***ing stupid. I’ve been a customer at this store for 27 god*** years and I’ve never had this problem!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry, sir. I really can’t do that.”

Customer #1: “Let me talk to your manager, then, because this is f***ing ridicu—”

(Fed up, another customer who has been waiting behind Customer #1 interrupts him.)

Customer #2: “Would you stop being such a colossal douche? She says she can’t, and she says it’s policy. It’s not going to change just because you yell at her. If you want to see a manager, go find one and leave her alone. Besides, there’s a BANK fifty feet away from you. Get out of this line! The rest of us have lives!”

Customer #1: “Listen, lady… stop calling me a douche—”

Customer #2: “THEN STOP BEING A DOUCHE!”

Customer #1: *leaves*

Customer #2: *to the cashier* “Sorry, people are douches!”

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The Comradewealth Of Moscowchusetts

| Rockport, MA, USA | Geography, Language & Words

Customer: *in a Southern drawl* “Do you speak English?”

Me: “Sir?”

Customer: “I said, DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that I speak English. Why would you ask?”

Customer: “Hey, look, I ain’t never been to Massachusetts. I thought all y’all spoke Russian or some s***!”

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