Due Tonight Vs. Do Tonight

| Illinois, USA | School

(I’m a librarian in a university library. It’s almost 5 PM and I’m getting ready to go home.)

Student: “Hi, I have a research paper and I don’t know how to find sources for it.”

Me: “Okay, what’s your topic?”

Student: “It’s [topic].”

Me: “That one might be tough to find a lot of information on. When is the paper due?”

Student: “Midnight.”

Shocking Mystery Solved

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Bizarre, Religion, Rude & Risque, Top

(I work in the call center of a public library. Occasionally, we get strange callers just because it is free and we are required to talk to them.)

Caller: “You need to help me! The Mormons are giving electric shocks to my genitals through my windows!”

Me: “Um, this is a library, I’m not sure what—”

Caller: “You have to help me! I called the police but they won’t help me. They say I’m crazy. It’s the Mormons! They keep shocking my genitals!”

Me: “Well, uh, let me put you on hold for a second.”

(I put her on hold and call out the situation to the other librarians in the call center. One of them happens to be Mormon.)

Me: “I have a caller who claims Mormons are shocking her genitals through her windows.”

Mormon coworker: “We are.”

No, It’s Because The Owner Is Stupid

| London, UK | Pets & Animals

(A man brings his dog into our supermarket.)

Coworker: “I’m sorry, but there are no dogs allowed inside unless it is a service dog.”

Customer: *with straight face* “It’s because my dog is black, isn’t it? I could sue you!”

No Obamacare For You

| Berkeley, CA, USA | Bigotry

(Although I was born in California and have lived here my entire life, my dad is from Australia, and I have picked up some of his speaking mannerisms. In consequence, when I say “Yeah”, it sounds like “Yeh”.)

Customer: “Can I slide my card through, miss?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s ready!”

Customer: “Actually, sorry, I don’t support illegal immigrants.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You talk funny! You’re an illegal immigrant!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I was born here. I just have my accent from a parent who was not an illegal immigrant.”

Customer: “No! You aren’t allowed to be here! I’ll be notifying the president about this!” *stomps out without her merchandise*

Vegetable Innuendos

| Chico, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I’m at the farmer’s market selling cucumbers when two little old ladies come up.)

Little Old Lady #1: “Those are some nice cucumbers.”

Little Old Lady #2, to #1: “I’ve got a nice bug cucumber back at home for you.”

Little Old Lady #1, to me: “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

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