Might We Suggest Anti-Virus Protection

| Melbourne, Australia | Technology

Customer: “My TV has a USB port and the manual says I need something to plug into it to be able to record. A HDD, or SSD, or an STD or something.”

Me: “Oh, a hard drive! Sure, let me show you where they are.”

(I show the customer to the hard drives and we discuss how much space he needs.)

Customer: “So, should I get the 320GB or the 750GB STD?”

Me: “Uh, well it depends on how much you think you’ll be recording.”

Customer: “Well, at this price, I’ll just get the cheaper one. Then, if it fills up, I can get more. My family can swap STDs whenever they need to, then!”

Fresher Than You’ll Ever Be

| Massena, NY, USA | Food & Drink

(I have worked at this concession stand for four years and this particular customer has been coming at least once a week since I started. Some variation of this same argument occurs every week.)

Regular Customer: “Is that coffee fresh?”

Me: “Relatively. I haven’t been open that long. You want some?”

Regular Customer: “No. It needs to be fresh!”

Me: “Ma’am, it is fresh. I just opened fifteen minutes ago.”

Regular Customer: “No! I can only drink fresh coffee!”

Me: “It is fresh coffee!”

(The customer stands there and glares at me without saying a word for about a minute.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am not making a new pot of coffee. This one is still fresh and over half-full.”

Regular Customer: “Yeah, well, it’s not fresh! No one’s going to buy it!”

Me: “Someone just did!”

Regular Customer: “Well, no one else will because you’re trying to sell them old coffee! I need fresh coffee!” *storms off*

Other Regular Customer: “You’d think she’d have learned just to bring her own d*** coffee by now.”

Patience Is Priceless

| USA | Family & Kids, Money, Top

(Today I am the only teller working at the bank, as the rest of my coworkers have called in sick. A little boy whose head barely peeks over the counter waves his hand with a bag of coins in it.)

Boy: “I want to put this on my savings account! I worked hard! I’m saving money for my girlfriend’s birthday!”

(As it happens the cash counting machine is broken, so I have to count them by hand.)

Me: “All right, let’s see how much you got there!” *starts adding up the pennies*

(The customer behind the boy, an elderly woman, is growing very impatient.)

Woman: “Oh, come on! I’ve got more to do!”

Me: “Just a moment, ma’am.” *continues counting*

Woman: *angry* “Hurry up! My time is valuable!”

Me: *finally finished counting* “That’s $31.75! You can buy her a handsome gift!”

Boy: *smiles* “Yeah, she’ll be happy! Bye!” *rushes outside*

Me: “Bye!” *to the woman* “How can I help you?”

Woman: *confused* “Oh…I forgot…”

Me: “Please step aside, then, so I can help the next customer…”

Woman: *face turns red, mumbles, leaves the bank*

A Quack Of All Trades

| Springfield, MA, USA | Health & Body

(I work at the information desk in a section of the hospital allocated for renting to private practices. It’s a pretty large building, so we get a lot of patients asking directions to a certain doctor’s office.)

Patient: “I have an appointment at 2:00. Where do I go?”

Me: “Well, this is a large building with a lot of doctors in it. Who did you need to see?”

Patient: “I don’t know. Can’t you look it up? My name is [name].”

Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t have access to the doctors’ schedules. Do you remember what kind of doctor it was? General practitioner, cardiologist—”

Patient: “I don’t remember.”

Me: “What were you seeing the doctor for?”

Patient: “My kidneys, I think…”

(I start going through the list of doctors looking for nephrologists.)

Me: “Does [nephrologist] sound familiar?”

Patient: “I don’t remember! Just tell me where my appointment is!”

Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*, Part 3

| Maryland, USA | Top

(I’m a waitress in a coffee shop/bakery/deli located in the middle of a small town. I walk into the dining room to see the minister from the church across the street, a police officer from the station down the block, and a lawyer from the courthouse next door sitting at the counter. I’m looking at this strange sight when my boss comes up behind me.)

Boss: “So a priest, a cop, and a lawyer walk into a bar…”

Related:
Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*, Part 2
Ba Dum Dum *Chhh*

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