Getting To The Root Of The Problem, Part 3

| Seattle, WA, USA | Food & Drink

(I’m a server at an Italian restaurant. I approach a table where my guest is pointing at a moderately-priced item on our wine list.)

Me: “Hi, there! Welcome to [restaurant]. Can I answer any questions about the wine menu?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was gonna ask if you had any wines from Venice, but then I realized there’s no dirt there!”

Related:
Getting To The Root Of The Problem, Part 2
Getting To The Root Of The Problem

Sauce For The Saucy

| Washington, DC, USA | Food & Drink

(At our take-out counter, we frequently have people order online and pay by credit card before they arrive. Once in a while, someone forgets they still have to sign the receipt when they get there.)

Caller: “Yes, hello, I’d like to speak to a manager. I have a take-out complaint.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I work at take-out; what seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “I just came and picked up my order, and it isn’t right at all!”

Me: “Oh, yes. You came in just a moment ago, grabbed the bag on the counter, and left?”

Caller: “Yes, and I already paid for it.”

Me: “True, but that bag wasn’t yours. Sir, that bag was full of our spare packets of soy sauce.”

Caller: “Oh. I was wondering why you gave me so much of the stuff.”

Like A Certain Bunny, He Just Keeps Going

| Pennsylvania, USA | Uncategorized

(I work at a movie rental store. One night, a strange man comes into my store and asks me a question.)

Customer: *without making eye contact* “Do you guys have batteries?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry but we don’t have batteries.”

Customer: “Are you sure? ‘Cause…uh…I was sure you guys had batteries.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m sure we don’t have batteries.”

Customer: “I could have sworn you guys carried batteries.”

Me: “No batteries, sorry.”

(For 5 minutes, he keeps asking me if I was sure that we didn’t carry batteries. He eventually leaves. A friend of mine who works at the store next to mine comes in about a half hour later.)

Friend: “I just had the strangest conversation. Some guy came into my store, and kept asking us if we sold–”

Me: “Batteries?”

Friend: “Yeah! How did you know?”

Not Quite As Provocative As I Recall

| Syracuse, NY | Holidays

(It is 6:00 AM on Black Friday. There is a queue waiting to come into the store as soon as I lift the gate. Once the gate goes up, the crowd surges into the store. Immediately, a customer pushes his way through the crowd and begins shouting to me.)

Customer: *shouting* “Where are your ‘Touch Me, Big Guy’ toys?!”

(Overhearing this, everyone in earshot goes silent.)

Me: “Um, I don’t think we carry that toy.”

Customer: “Of course you do! It is really popular this year! You rub and squeeze the toy’s stomach and it giggles in happiness! You know ‘Touch me, Big Guy’!”

Me: “You don’t mean ‘Tickle Me Elmo’, do you?”

Customer: “Is that what it is called?”

(The crowd begins making noise again.)

Customer: “I suppose you might be wondering what Christmas is like at my house.”

Me: “No, sir, not in the slightest.”

Can I Show You My Social Insecurity Card

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Awesome Customers, Top

(A customer is about to buy an M-rated game, which can only be purchased by people over the age of 17. My store is really strict about checking ID.)

Me: “And may I see some ID, please?”

Customer: “Why? What for?”

Me: “Because this is an M-rated game, and I am required to ask for ID.”

Customer: “Buddy, I’m 31, and it shows. You don’t need to see my ID.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but I do need to see your ID. Otherwise, I risk my job and the store risks a fine.”

Customer: “Are you kidding me? Normally, when people ask me for ID, it’s a compliment, but coming from you, you just sound like a bureaucratic snot! Don’t waste my time, and just sell me the d*** game!”

(Another customer standing behind him taps him on the shoulder.)

Customer #2: “Hey, you said you’re 31, right?”

Customer: “Yeah! And this little punk is giving me a hard time about it!”

Customer #2: “How old is your kid? You may be 31, but you seem a little too young to be the father of a 17-year old, which this game is intended for.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? I don’t have any kids. This game is for me!”

Customer #2: *incredulously* “You’re 31 and still play video games?!”

(The 31-year old customer turns red and leaves the store in a huff. Since he’s gone, I go on to serve the next customer.)

Customer #2: “I’m actually older than he is and I play games, too. Since he was adamant about not showing his ID, I figured he had insecurities. I thought it would be fun to mess with him a little, and boy was I right!”

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