The Cake Is Not A Lie

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I’m making a banana split, when a woman frantically rushes over to me, waving her hands up and down.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, is everything all right?”

Customer: “Yes, yes, I just have a question.”

Me: “Okay, what is your question?”

Customer: “These cakes in this case over here, the mint one… does it have cake in it?”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Customer: “Does this cake have cake in it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, the cakes contain cake.”

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Someone Freed Willy

| College Station, TX, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

(I am a manager at a local hotel. I’m manning the phones.) 

Me:” Thank you for calling [hotel name], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, I stayed at your hotel last weekend. I just wanted to let you know that there was a man without his pants on at the pool area.”

Me: “I’m sorry you had to witness that, sir.”

Caller: “Oh, it’s no problem. It was just awkward because his ‘willy’ was hanging.” 

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Well, it must have been a 10-incher because my wife is still talking about it ’til this day!”

He’s Obviously Just Wingin’ It

| Georgia, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

(I serve a customer some food, specifically wings and fries. He approaches me with his meal; two of the wings are badly hidden in the fries.)

Customer: “Hey man, you didn’t give me two wings. Cook them again!”

Me:” I’m sure that I gave you the order just like you asked.”

Customer: “Yo man, I told you! I have two f***ing wings missin’! How the f*** do you know that I be gettin’ all my wings?!”

Me: “I also cook the food, sir.”

Customer: “THAT DON’T MEAN NUTTIN!”

Me: “I count before, during, and after food preparation. I guarantee you, you got what you ordered.”

Customer: “NO I DIDN’T!”

Me: “Okay, then please explain why there are chicken bones in the fries, and why you have hot sauce on your lips.”

Customer: *flips me the bird and storms out of the store*

The Liquidation Of Our Education

| Cedar Rapids, IA, USA | Extra Stupid

(I am a cashier at a well-known home improvement store. I’m working the closing shift in our garden register during summer, and am the only register open. We have a wide range of displays of water fountains up for customers to see them working, to decide if they want to buy one for their yard. A customer walks in and stands in front of fountains for several minutes looking at them before coming over to me.)

Customer: “Hey, I’m trying to get a fountain for my yard, and I had a quick question. Do you know much about them?”

Me: “Well, I’ve only been trained as a cashier but I’ll answer what I can.”

Customer: “Great! I just wanted to know, is the water included?”

(I can’t believe the customer is asking this question, so I joke with him.)

Me: “No, sir. You buy the water separate.”

Customer: “Oh, how much is it?”

Me: “Do you have a sink at home?”

Customer: “Yes. Why?”

Me: “Then the water is free.”

(The customer looks confused until he suddenly realizes what he’s asked.)

Customer: “Oh!”

Not All Knights Are In Shining Armor

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Awesome Customers, Top, Wild & Unruly

(Two of my children suffer from a rare, genetic bone disease and they both have recently had major surgery. My 10 year old had his hip rebuilt and is using a wheelchair, while my 13 year old had a tumor taken out of his ankle and is using a walker. The 10 year old also uses a walker to move from his chair to the car. I am parked in a handicapped space, and am trying to get them loaded into the car. There are 6 open handicap spaces, but this elderly man decides he needs the space directly next to my driver’s side.)

Elderly Man: *honking horn* “Get out of the way!”

Me: “I need to get the kids loaded. I’ll be out of the way shortly.”

Elderly Man: *honking even louder, scaring my 10 year old* “Get out of the way, lady! You don’t even need this spot.”

Me: “Sir, my two disabled children do need this spot, but there are several other open spots if you’re in a hurry.”

(By this time, I have my wheelchair bound child in the car. I set his walker aside to push the chair to the back of my car and retrieve my older child’s walker from the other side of the car. Unfortunately, I am not fast enough. The elderly man honks again, then bullies his way into the spot and DRIVES OVER the walker. I am nearly in tears, and have just put my head down trying to get the wheelchair folded up and put in the trunk of my car. The elderly man gets out of his car while I have the chair half way from the ground to the trunk.)

Elderly Man: “You’re very rude! You should be ashamed of yourself! You shouldn’t even be using this spot. It’s obvious you don’t need it!”

Me: *literally slack-jawed* “I’m sorry you feel that way…”

(As the elderly man leaves, two young men who look like thugs approach me.)

Young Men: “We’ve seen everything and feel really bad for you. Can we help you get the wheelchair and walkers into your car?”

Me: *crying and trembling* “Yes…”

(Not only do the young men get the medical equipment in my car, but they get my 10 year old laughing again with their non-stop jokes. After they finish helping me…)

Me: “Thank you! Can I do anything to repay your kindness?”

Young Men: *wave me off* “We’re just doing what decent people would do. Have a pleasant day!”

(I found out later that they’d noted the elderly man’s tag number and had gone inside to report the incident to the manager. The police were called and the elderly man was held responsible for the damage to the walker.)

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