Schwarzenegger Fi

| Long Island, NY, USA | Bizarre, Military, Zombies

(I work in a New Age sort of store, so we get some interesting types.)

Customer: “I’m the son of Jesus and am preparing for World War III. Do you own any guns?”

Me: “Yeah, I do actually.”

Customer: “Good! You can come fight with me and my friends when the armies come.”

Me: “Um… no thanks. I actually have my own apocalypse plan, in case of zombies and stuff.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Well, make sure that when it happens, you watch out for any Marines you see!”

Me: *shocked* “My brother is a Marine!”

Customer: *shakes head sadly* “He’s lost. He’s a cyborg. You’ll have to destroy him before he destroys you!”

Me: “Thanks for the heads up…”

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Suddenly At A Loss For Words

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Bigotry, Top

(A customer has just called one of our new employees the N-word for not bagging his groceries to his liking. The manager, a 5’4″ blond woman, runs out of the store and begins berating the customer in question.)

Manager: “How dare you call one of my clerks that! What is wrong with you?”

Customer: “F*** YOU, LADY! WHAT THE F*** DO YOU KNOW?!”

(At that moment, the aforementioned bagger’s brothers happen to be walking into the store. Both brothers are at least 6’2″.)

Brother #1: “What’s going on?”

Manager: “This a**hole called your sister the N-word.”

Brother #2: “What?!”

Brother #1: *to the customer* “HOW ‘BOUT YOU SAY THAT TO ME?!

(Seeing that customer run out of a parking lot was the best possible thing to lift our spirits on a busy day!)

Biting Off More Than He Can Chew

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals, Top

(I work at a dinosaur trail, where people can walk through the forest and look at robotic dinosaurs. On this particular day, a guest with one arm comes onto the trail. About half an hour later, he comes back out.)

Me: “So, did you enjoy the trail?”

Guest: “I got my arm bit off.”

Coworker: *without skipping a beat* “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t give refunds.”

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Hersight Is 20/20

| Illinois, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids

(I’m pregnant, and have just had an ultrasound that has confirmed that I am having a boy. The guest in question is a regular every weekend.)

Guest: “Oh, you’re pregnant!”

Me: “Yes, I am.”

(The guest reaches out and grabs my stomach.)

Guest: “It’s a girl! I can tell, and I’m never wrong!”

Me: “Actually, I’m having a boy.”

Guest: “No, you’re not. I am never wrong. It’s definitely a girl!”

(Every time I see the guest after this, she informs the table that I’m having a girl, and emphatically states that she is never, ever wrong about these things. After my son is born, the first time I see her at work, she flags me over to her table again.)

Guest: “Oh, you had your baby! Did you have a boy or a girl?”

Me: *laughing* “I had a boy.”

Guest: “Congratulations! See? I told you that I was never wrong! I knew that it was a boy all along!”

Grandma Won’t Be Outmatched

| Illinois, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers

(I’m a customer and am standing in line at the checkout behind a very sweet-looking little old lady. She’s a stereotypical, blue-haired, tiny woman dressed in a very nice yellow and pink pantsuit. The cashier is a nice-looking young man in his late teens or early twenties.)

Little Old Lady: *to the cashier* “You know, you’re a very handsome young man, and you can hold down a job. That’s a good thing.”

Cashier: “Thank you, ma’am.”

(The lady then proceeds to chat in a very friendly manner to the cashier. While talking, she’s very slowly and carefully placing one item at a time on the conveyor.)

Little Old Lady: “So, I think my granddaughter would be perfect for you. She’s just turned nineteen, she has a nice job of her own, and she’s pretty. You boys like redheads, right?”

Cashier: *dazed look*

Little Old Lady: “You really should meet her. I just know you two would be perfect for each other! I know these things!”

Cashier: “Um, ma’am—”

Little Old Lady: “So, what do you say? Would you like to meet my Linda?”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I’m gay.”

(At this, the sweet-faced little old lady just blinks and smiles.)

Little Old Lady: “Okay, so you need to meet my grandson instead!”

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