Being The Bigger Man

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Hall of Fame, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I am standing in a line for a checkout at a supermarket, when I look over and see a family with two kids in another line. The kids are throwing stuff everywhere, tins, bottles, and jars. The cashier, a young girl, is frantically trying to calm them down. Note: I’m pretty big, about 6’3″ and broad, plus I have a black eye, cut nose and a cut across my lip from a sports match the day before.)

Cashier: *to kids* “Please stop throwing things. Someone’s going to get hurt.”

Father: “How dare you! You people just get off on telling other people what to do! You’re all just fascists, that’s what!”

Cashier: “Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but your kids are going to end up hurting someone, and then it’ll be a big problem for all of us.”

Mother: “Are you threatening us?”

Cashier: *looking shocked and confused* “No! Not at all. I’m just saying that it would be best if you asked your children to stop before someone gets hurt.”

Father: “You’re still making threats! Either you stop with that right now or I swear to God I will give you a big problem! I’m going to make you sorry you were born, unless you shut the f*** up right now!”

(I catch the cashier’s eye, and she looks hopeless. I bend down, pick up a tin thrown by one of the kids and quietly move to just behind the parents.)

Me: “Excuse me.”

(They spin round. The father is not that tall, about 5’10”, so he’s pretty much looking me in the neck. I point at my black eye and battered face.)

Me: “One of your kids just hit me in the face. Is this a problem I should take up with you personally, or should I just call the police?”

(I’m looming over him now, very much invading his personal space.)

Father: “Oh, God, I’m sorry! I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

Me: “I would recommend you apologise to the nice lady who’s been putting up with you for the last 10 minutes without calling the police. It seems she’s had far more to deal with than me!”

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The Downers Of Up-Selling

| Canada | Money, Spouses & Partners, Top

(At the ferry terminal where I work, we have a discount card. When loaded with money, it will give you a substantial discount when customers use it to pay for a ticket.  I don’t usually mention it because all the local commuters know about it, but when they are paying for 4 or more people at a time, it is actually cheaper to buy the card than to pay the usual price.)

Me: “Hello! How many of you are traveling today?”

Customer: “Five of us and the car.”

Me: Great! Hey, would you like to save some money today? We have this card and—”

Customer: “No! No card! Don’t sell me anything!”

Me: “I understand, sir. But if you load $95 on this card, it’s actually cheaper than the $120 dollars I will be charging you normally. You see it’s a discount card and-”

Customer: “No! I said no! Don’t you people listen? Always trying to sell me crap. Just give me a ticket!”

Me: “Okay then. That will be $120 instead of the $95 for a ticket. No problem.”

Customer’s Wife: “What?!” *smacks husband’s arm and glares* “Will you listen to her?”

Customer: *sheepishly* “Oh… uh… wait. Maybe we will take that card thing.”

Me: “Right away, sir…” 

He Is Twice The Man

| Orlando, FL, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Top

(For the Halloween season, we’re running several horror houses, which aren’t otherwise open throughout the year. Light-up devices aren’t allowed inside any of the houses, and as a queue supervisor, I’ve been warning people of this via a cute spiel I made up.)

Me: “There are no light-up devices allowed inside. It will make it easier to find you, and you will be eaten alive most violently!”

(At this point, a guest, who seems to have had both legs amputated and is in a wheelchair, speaks up.)

Guest: “But I’ve already been half-eaten!”

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Taking Charge Of The Charge

| MA, USA | Extra Stupid, Money

(My coworker is speaking with a customer about her bill.)

Customer: “There is no reason why my bill is $250 this month. I can’t afford that, and I can’t have my phone turned off, you need to explain this to me. My bill should be $90.”

Coworker: *addresses customer by name* “You come in here every month about your bill being high, and I explain it to you every month.”

Customer: “Well explain it to me again.”

Coworker: “You have a plan for X minutes and you exceeded those minutes by Y amount of minutes, causing the $160 worth of overages. What I can do is give you Plan Z which covers all of the minutes you use, and your monthly bill would be $120 every month. I can even backdate it to cover this bill.”

Customer: “And I told you last month, I can’t change my f***ing plan to $120, because I can’t f***ing afford my bill to be over $100 each f***ing month!”

(My manager hears the commotion and comes over.)

Manager: “I couldn’t help but hear your language, and while I appreciate that you are frustrated, I am going to have to ask you to clean up your language while you are here. Maybe I can help… what is making you so upset?”

Customer: “My bill is too expensive every month, and I try to get it fixed every month and he…” *points at coworker* “…never helps me!”

Manager: “Let me take a look.” *looks over account* “I see that you have some overage charges in here.”

Customer: “Yes. My bill should only be $90.”

Manager: “There’s an easy solution that would make it so that you wouldn’t have to pay $250 every month. If you change to Plan Z, it would cover all the minutes you use, and you would be saving $130 each month by only paying $120 instead of $250.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

(The customer storms out of the store.)

Inex-spews-able Behavior

| TX, USA | Health & Body

(A woman comes in and appears clean and normal. She hands my coworker a plastic bag.)

Customer: “Could you be a dear and throw this away? I hate having trash in my car.”

Coworker: “Sure…”

(As my coworker takes the bag, which isn’t sealed, stuff leaks all over her desk. She leans down to examine it, and it is vomit.)

Customer: “That is disgusting! You spilled my vomit all over your desk. I should have your boss fire you for making me feel sick all over again!” *storms off*

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