Practice Sweet Unadulterated Moderation

| North Carolina, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink

(A mom, dad, and two small children walk in. The boy sees some of the fresh fruit we keep at the counter and asks for a banana.)

Dad: *to son* “No, you’ve had too much fruit today!”

Mom: *to son* “Yeah, go get some candy instead!”

Introducing The iMoney

, | Kingston, Ontario, Canada | Technology

(I work in a call center for a phone company. We often get customers who will say anything to get a credit. This customer is saying that her phone drops calls.)

Me: “According to my troubleshooting flow, your phone appears to be defective. I can offer to replace your phone for free.”

Customer: “No, I’ll take a credit.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I cannot offer you a credit. I can only offer to replace your phone.”

Customer: “Just give me a credit.”

Me: “I cannot give you a credit.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because that’s the resolution to your issue. Applying a monetary credit to your account will not cause your phone to stop dropping calls.”

Customer: “Yes, it will!”

Just In The St. Nick Of Time

| Pennsylvania, USA | At The Checkout, Holidays

(It’s five minutes before closing Christmas Eve, and I’m handling the register. A man and woman walk up with a just few bottles of soda, so I wave them in and turn my lane’s light off.)

Me: “Good evening!”

Woman, to the man: “Get the cart.”

Man: *wanders off*

Me: “So, ready for the holidays, I take it?”

(I finish scanning a 2-liter bottle of soda and start to scan the second one; this shouldn’t take much time at all. The woman interrupts me.)

Woman: “There’s more.”

(I am confused, but then see the man return with a large cart used for stocking the shelves. It’s stacked completely full with RACKS of the soda product.)

Man: *points to the giant pile of sodas* “That’s 80 bottles in one, 58 in the other…”

Me: “Okay, then. This might take another minute or two…”

(Note that the store closes at 6 pm. I’m a minor, so I can’t be late clocking out. I therefore scan as quickly as possible and ring up her total.)

Me: “All right, there we are! Your total is [nearly $200].”

(It’s now a minute before closing. I think I’m in the clear, when…)

Woman: “Here’s $100, but let me pay the rest with these!” *hands me stacks of $5 bills*

(I am completely stunned now. Fingers flying, I count out the huge bill, finally finishing right at 6 pm on the dot.)

Me: “Okay…you’re good to go! Hope you have a great holiday!”

Woman and man: *says absolutely nothing in return and leaves with their huge cartful of sodas*

(Thankfully I got out of there right on time!)

How About Bringing That Brain Out Of Retirement

| IL, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for [coworker].”

Me: “I’m sorry, but she retired last month.”

Caller: “Oh…can you have her call me back?”

Me: “I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear before. She retired and is no longer employed here. Can you tell me what you are calling about so I can direct you to someone else?”

Caller: “No, no, that’s fine. I’ll just call for her again later.”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but she won’t be here later. She retired. She’s gone.”

Caller: “It’s okay. I’ll just call for her later.”

Me: “Sir, you don’t understand. Other members of our group have taken over her responsibilities, so if you can tell me what it is you needed to talk to her about, I can direct you to someone who can help you.”

Caller: “So, can I call back next week?”

All Roads Lead To Wrong

| Worcester, MA, USA | Geography

Customer: “How long until we get to Virginia?”

Me: “You’re headed north to Boston, ma’am. Virginia is in the opposite direction.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “You’re headed to Boston, ma’am. You need to turn around.”

Customer: “I knew we got on the wrong way back in New York!”

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