Some Customers Are A Pet Hate

| PA, USA | Right | April 8, 2014

Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for a specific book to help my children deal with the death of a pet.”

Me: All right. Can you give me the title or author?

Caller: “Oh, I don’t remember it. But I’ve purchased copies from your store before. I know you have it!”

(I search for at least fifteen minutes; using every variant on the phrase ‘death of a pet’ I can think of. The customer alternates between telling me about her poor sick dog, insisting that she’s purchased it here before, and that I really should know about it. Finally, I find the book she wants.)

Customer: “Thank you! That wasn’t all that hard, now, was it?”

Me: “All right, ma’am. I’m afraid we do not have this book in the store right now. I’ll happily order you a copy—”

Customer: “When will it get here?”

Me: “Three to five business days.”

Customer: “But she’s being put down tomorrow! I was counting on you!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but this is the best I can do, unless you want to order the book from our website yourself and pay extra for overnight shipping.”

Customer: “… You know what? Never mind. I’ll just tell the kids she went to live on a farm, and tell them the truth in a few years.” *click*

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Scary Movies

| Bloomington, IN, USA | Right | April 7, 2014

(We have a semi-regular that’s fairly creepy, but always super chatty. One night, as I’m cleaning the popcorn popper, he comes up to concessions without my noticing. One of my coworkers gets my attention and I go to help him.)

Semi-Regular: “I was thinkin’ about scarin’ you, but he got your attention before I decided.”

Me: “Oh, I don’t scare easily.”

Semi-Regular: “Clearly you don’t know me very well.”

Error: Tuition Not Found

| NY, USA | Right | April 7, 2014

(I’m in grad school. I work part-time at the university IT desk.)

Me: “This is [University] service desk. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. I’m having a problem with my computer. Could I schedule a time to come in?”

Me: “Sure thing. What’s your student ID number?”

Caller: “I don’t have one.”

Me: “You can find it on the back of your student ID.”

Caller: “I don’t have an ID.”

Me: “If you don’t have one of those yet, you can get it from the ID office in [Building]. Do you have any documents from [University]? Almost all documents you’d get from us have your ID at the top.”

Caller: “No. I’m not a student.”

Me: “Are you a faculty member, or an alumnus?”

Caller: “No. I’ve never been to [University]. I just heard you have tech support.”

Me: “Okay… I’m afraid we only offer support to students and faculty. I have the number of a local repair shop if you need it.”

Caller: “Will they charge me money?”

Me: “Probably.”

Caller: “But you offer your services for free.”

Me: “… TO STUDENTS. This is a help desk for students of [University] ONLY. We don’t offer support to the general public.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Because we’re not a computer repair shop. We’re a part of [University] and we exist solely to offer tech support to students and faculty. I’m afraid we can’t help you if you’re neither. Would you like that phone number now?”

Caller: “I don’t understand why you won’t just let me bring in my computer! It would only take a minute.”

Me: “We can’t service your computer because you’re not a student.”

Caller: “That’s so mean! What’s so special about being a student?”

Me: “Tuition?”

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Half-Brain

| Yosemite National Park, CA, USA | Right | April 7, 2014

(A tourist walks up to me at the front desk.)

Tourist: “Is that Half Dome outside?”

Me: “Half Dome is one of the many mountain features outside if you face east.”

Tourist: “Which one is it?”

Me: “It is the one that is exactly half of a granite dome… to the east.”

Tourist: “How much concrete was used to make it?”

Me: “… Seriously?”

Tourist: *stares blankly at me*

Me: “I couldn’t tell you, but they decided to ditch the building project once they ran out of re-bar.”

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Turned The Tables

| Amsterdam, The Netherlands | Right | April 7, 2014

(It’s a fairly slow day. Only one table is occupied. The guests leave and within half a minute, someone else sits down at that table.)

Me: “Hi! I’ll just clean this table for you. What can I get you to drink?”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to apologize?”

Me: “For what?”

Customer: “For this dirty table!”

Me: “Uh… no?”

Customer: “Well, why the h*** not?!”

Me: “Because there are 30 empty tables where you could sit down, and you picked the only dirty one in the entire restaurant. The previous guests left only a minute ago. How could that possibly be my fault?”

Customer: *disgruntled* “One coffee…”

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