Need To Purge That Urge

| WA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi! Thanks for calling. How can I help?”

Customer: “I need to know what kinds of [adult] toys you sell.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I can show you how to use our search feature! Are you on the website now?”

Customer: “I don’t want to look. I want you to tell me! Describe them.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can help you use the website.”

(The customer gets upset, and starts talking about her physical urges that demand these items.)

Me: “I will be more than happy to show you how to search on the website. If not, I will need to end this call.”

Customer: “I don’t have a computer.”

Me: “Well, do you have a friend’s computer, or maybe internet on your phone that you can use?”

Customer: “Nah, I don’t have none of that.”

Me: “Well, maybe a public library?”

Customer: “Nah. They don’t let me in there no more.”

It’s Enough To Give You A Tick

| Columbus, OH, USA | Top

(A customer walks in with several trash bags full of clothes to be cleaned.)

Me: “Okay, sir. I’ll need to sort and count all these items before I can give you a price. Would you mind opening that bag while I work on this one?”

Customer: “Why would I do your job?”

Me: “Of course, sir.”

(The customer watches silently as I sort, count, and fold over forty items, including clothing, bedding, and towels. Essentially, I am touching his clothes with my bare hands for over twenty minutes.)

Me: “Okay sir, your total comes to [price]. We’ll have them cleaned for you tomorrow after four.”

Customer: “You can’t clean them sooner?”

Me: “Is there a specific reason you need them sooner?”

Customer: “Yeah, my kids have head lice. That’s all their contaminated stuff. They won’t have anything to sleep on tonight.”

If He Continues He’s Likely To Lose Another 21 Grams

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

(I am used to this very specific customer’s order by now.)

Me: “Hello! Can I take your order, sir?”

Customer: “I will have a half-decaf, extra-large, one pump of sugar-free vanilla, nonfat, 180-degrees, 235-gram cappuccino. And a scone.”

Me: “Here you go, sir. Half-decaf, extra-large, one pump sugar-free vanilla, nonfat, 180-degrees, 235-gram cappuccino.”

Customer: “Weigh it.”

Me: “I did weigh it, sir.”

Customer: “Again.”

(I weigh it again. The scale comes out to 236 grams, because it measures in units of 2.)

Customer: “It’s over. Remake it.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Remake it! And I want a free drink for you wasting my time!”

(The drink is remade three more times. Once for being two degrees off, and once for being one gram less. The manager then has to explain that the scale measures in units of 2.)

Me: “Here’s your drink, sir.”

Customer: “Finally! It’s amazing you all don’t get fired for incompetence!”

(The customer then goes and adds cold milk at the bar.)

Much Askew About Nothing

| MD, USA | Top

(A client walks into clinic as the floors are being mopped. She notices the ‘wet floor’ sign, and immediately starts flailing around as if she’s slipping.)

Me: “I haven’t mopped that part of the lobby yet.”

(The client immediately stops her dramatics.)

Client: “Oh, okay.”

Language Skills Are Medi-okra

| New Orleans, LA, USA | Uncategorized

(I work as a demo lady.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “Chicken andouille gumbo.”

Customer: “Wait…what?”

Me: “Chicken andouille gumbo.”

Customer: “Are…you speaking English?”