You’re Through To The Fee Line

| Scottsdale, AZ, USA | Right | April 18, 2014

(I do quality assurance for a travel agency. My job is to monitor the calls to make sure that the agents are being honest with the members. One day, I’m listening to a member asking questions about booking a cruise. Most of them are pretty standard, and then I hear this:)

Agent: “Now that I have your cruise all booked for you, do you have any other questions for me?”

Member: “Just one, and it’s very important. Does my cat need a passport?”

Agent: “Ummm…”

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Wishes He Could Back Up The Conversation

, | Denver, CO, USA | Right | April 18, 2014

(I work in our airline’s IT dept. One of our guys is finishing his shift and passes a task on to me to delete a user’s Windows profile when the user is not busy. I noticed this user has an assigned network drive with a shortcut to it on his desktop so I figure he knows how to use it.)

Me: “So, I’m gonna remove your profile from the registry and then delete your profile folder. This will delete everything you have. Do you have all of your important documents backed up?”

User: “Yeah, it’s all good. Go ahead and delete it.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I delete his profile’s registry entry and then go to delete his folder. I notice he has about 3GB of data as it builds its list to delete.)

Me: “It seems you have three gigs of data in your profile. Just want to make sure everything that you need is backed up, because it will all be gone.”

User: “Yeah. It’s good, man. Do what you gotta do.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I let the delete finish and then restart the computer.)

User: “So, the files that were on my desktop, where do I go to get those back?”

Me: “The files on your desktop? You told me you backed everything up, so they have been deleted.”

User: “I’m not very savvy with computers. I don’t know what ‘backup’ means.”

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Probably Also Watched The Simple Life

| Sanford, FL, USA | Right | April 18, 2014

Me: “Hi. This is [My Name] calling with [Company] regarding savings on the electric bill. May I please speak with [Customer]?”

Customer: “WE’RE AMISH! WE DON’T HAVE ELECTRICITY!”

Me: “But you have a phone?”

Customer: “We sometimes have phones at the end of our properties for emergencies! You’d know that if you watched Amish Mafia!”

Me: “So, you also have a TV?”

(*click*)

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Had Enough Of Her S***

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Right | April 17, 2014

(I work for a small town plumber answering his phones and scheduling his jobs.)

Me: “Good morning. This is [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I am calling to get [Boss] out here right away. My toilet is over-flowing and I need him out here, now.”

Me: “Okay, let me see what I can do for you. Can I please have your name?”

Customer: *gives me her name*

Me: “And I will need the address of where we are to go.”

Customer: “I am a repeat customer. You should already have my address. Now look it up and be quick about it.”

Me: “All right. I am checking our database; however, I do not see you in here. I will be happy to get your information right now so that we can schedule a time to come out.”

Customer: “What? I am not in there?! What kind of a company doesn’t keep customer records? You find me now, and stop being lazy.  Your boss would never delete me. I am a very important customer to him.”

Me: “I am sorry. I did not say you were deleted. Perhaps the previous person never entered you into the system but I will be happy to do that for you now.”

Customer: “Look. I want [Boss] out to my house, now!

(The customer reluctantly gives me her physical address.)

Customer: “Apparently you don’t know who I am. What is your name?”

Me: “My name is [My Name].  I am checking our schedule and I can have one of our technicians come out to take care of you this afternoon. Will 1 pm be convenient for you?”

Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about, 1pm? No, that is not convenient for me. I want [Boss] here now to clean this s*** up, and don’t send anyone but him.”

Me: “I am terribly sorry, but he is on another job out of the area at the moment. The soonest I could have a technician to your place would be in about an hour but I will have to pull him off another job. I can send [Technician] to take care of you then. Would that be all right with you?”

Customer: “Absolutely not. Now, you get on the phone and get your boss out here to clean this s*** up. I want my appointment with him. You put me on your calendar with him and stop arguing with me. Don’t you know that the customer is always right?  You should be grateful for the business I am giving you.”

Me: “I am sorry, but my boss is unavailable today. Are you sure that you would not reconsider one of our other technicians? They are all very well qualified to do their jobs as plumbers.”

Customer: “I do not deal with anyone but [Boss]. He is the only one that is allowed near my toilet. It is my toilet and if I want him to come clean up this s***ty mess then you are to find him and get him over here. I am a paying customer and I will not take no for an answer. You are giving me very bad customer service. I want this s*** cleaned up and I want it done now. If you do not get your boss over here, I will go on [Review Site] and destroy his perfect record.”

Me: “I am very sorry that [Boss] is not available right now. I will call him and have him call you. In the meantime if you change your mind and would like to have one of our other technicians come out please call me back and I will schedule it right away. Is there anything else I can do for you to help you out today?”

Customer: *huffs* “You do that and make it snappy. I don’t have all day to wait around for you, you ungrateful little b****!” *hangs up*

(When I told my boss about her, he said that she was rich and had lots of rich friends, and he wanted their business, so I should have tried harder to make her happy!)

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A Late Bill For The Late Resident

| MI, USA | Right | April 17, 2014

(I am an accountant for a retirement community. Some of our residents and their families can be easily confused by the volume of bills related to twilight years of life. As a result, I receive the following call way too often to count.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the accounting department at [Business]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I received a bill for [Resident], but he died six months ago, and we paid off the balance! Why are you billing us?”

Me: “One moment, please, while I check his account.”

(I bring up the late resident’s file on my computer, and indeed, it shows no balance due. I check the most recent months’ invoices, and confirm that we did not send them an invoice anytime in the past few months. I relay this information to the caller.)

Caller: “But it’s for services on [date when the deceased was a resident]! It has to be from you. What is this for?”

Me: “At the top of the invoice, does it say [Business]?”

Caller: “No…”

Me: “Is there a different company name?”

Caller: “Yes! It says it’s from [Medical Insurance Company]. Why are they sending me a bill?”

Me: “Is there a phone number on the bill?”

Caller: “Yes…”

Me: “I would suggest that you call that number, and ask their accounting department. I’m afraid I don’t have access to their system.”

Caller: “Oh… Can you transfer me?”

Me: “…”

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