The Goblet Of Law Suits

| Reno, NV, USA | Uncategorized

(I am talking to an older customer. This is a few years ago.)

Customer: “How many Harry Potter movies are out?”

Me: “They just came out with the fourth one. I can’t wait for the next book though.”

Customer: “Oh. Won’t the movie industry be mad that they are making the book before the movie? It will spoil everything.”

I Have Lost A Dream

| Raleigh, NC, USA | Uncategorized

Lost customer: “Excuse me, sir. I’m lost. Can you help me, please?”

Me: “Sure. What are you looking for?”

Lost customer: “I’m looking for Milkjer Blvd.”

Me: “I’ve never heard of it.”

Lost customer: “Yeah, it’s a weird spelling. But it’s clearly Milkjer Blvd.”

Me: “Can I see your directions?”

Lost customer: “Sure. See, it’s spelled M-L-K-J-r Blvd.”

Getting Ham-pered

| Memphis, TN, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer walks over to my counter and asks if he left his shopping basket after he paid.)

Me: *jokingly* “Not unless you only bought expired ham, sir.”

Customer: “Could I have that expired ham?”

Me: “No, sir. We have to log it and throw it out.”

Customer: “Well, if you’re just going to throw it out, can I have it?”

Me: “No, sir. I have to take it out to the dumpster.”

Customer: “Well, what if I watch where you throw it out, and then take it?”

Me: “That would be stealing.”

Customer: “Well, could I just buy it, then?”

Me: “No, that would be a liability. We could sell you some fresh ham, if you like.”

Customer: “But I don’t want fresh ham!”

How To Austra-cize Common Sense

| Sydney, Australia | Top

(A customer asks for the bill. I give it to her.)

Customer: “Hold on, where am I?”

Me: “You’re in [restaurant].”

Customer: “No, what country?”

Me: “Seriously?”

*blank stare*

(At this moment I notice a large bag on the table next to her and a large travel backpack on the seat next to her.)

Me: “Australia. Are you backpacking the world?”

(The customer opens her bag and pulls out over a dozen envelopes with different countries written on them. France, Russia, China, Germany, Thailand, etc. She pulls Austria out of the pile.)

Me: “No, it’s Australia.”

(The customer puts it back and finds her Australia envelope. Out of the envelope comes Euros.)

Me: “Okay, get Austria.”

Customer: “You told me that’s wrong.”

Me: “You misplaced your money.”

(The customer reluctantly gets her Austria envelope again. Out of the envelope comes Australian dollars, which I happily accept. She puts everything back in the wrong envelope.)

Me: “I think you should put them in the correct envelope this time. Euros doesn’t need to be separated by country. You can name multiple countries on that one envelope.”

Customer: *yelling* “Don’t tell me what to do! I’m the one travelling, not you. Don’t forget, you’re the one who told me my first envelope was wrong!”

A Timeless Request

| East Greenwich, RI, USA | Uncategorized

(The art director of a local mid-sized advertising agency always wants everything right away. In fact, all his job orders are coded
‘HSR’ – Hot Screaming Rush.)

Me: “You want this today?”

Customer: *blank look* “Of course I want it today. If I wanted it tomorrow, I’d have brought it in tomorrow!”