Trying To Run A Monkey Business

| IN, USA | Right | March 11, 2014

(I work at a hotel in a college town. It is quite common to require a two-night minimum purchase when booking a room for a special event weekend such as a football game, graduation, etc.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I was wondering if you had any rooms available for this coming Friday.”

Me: “We do have a few rooms available; however it is a two-night minimum for both Friday and Saturday night.”

Caller: “Okay, I have to ask you the same as the last hotel I called. What kind of dope-smoking monkey are you?”

Me: “… Excuse me?”

Caller: “What kind of dope-smoking monkey are you? Why would you even think that I would want a room for two nights if the football game is only one day?!”

Me: “We require a two night minimum stay for all special event weekends, ma’am. It’s quite a common policy here.”

Caller: “I don’t care what your policy says. It’s just stupid! You’re just insane!”

Me: “… Okay.”

Caller: “If your two night minimum is so common, then why did the 12 other hotels that I called that were sold-out not say anything about a two night minimum, then. Huh?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, if they are sold out that means they don’t have any more rooms to sell you at their property, so the two night minimum wouldn’t really matter for them because they don’t have anything.”

Caller: “See! You said it doesn’t matter.”

Me: “Our minimum is still in effect for the few remaining rooms we have.”

Caller: “You’re just a brainless monkey!”

Me: “Anything else?”

Caller: “No. Goodbye!” *click*

Me: “And here I thought I was just a desk monkey.”

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Knock Your Socks Off

| IL, USA | Right | March 11, 2014

(I’m the cashier. The store has a rewards loyalty card. The transaction has been normal up to this point.)

Me: “Do you have a [Store] rewards card?”

Customer #1: “No, I do not! I was fired from this store because I wore the wrong colored socks! So I refuse to get a rewards card.”

(The customer suddenly throws her credit card at me. I’m speechless so I just finish the transaction in stunned silence.)

Me: “Have a good day.”

(Customer #1 huffs out of the store. The customer behind her comes up to the register with a dumbfounded look on his face.)

Customer #2: “I have a feeling wearing the wrong socks wasn’t the reason she was fired.”

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Thoughts Suspended

| CA, USA | Right | March 11, 2014

(I am in a reserve officer training class at a sheriff’s academy. Enrollment in this class is done through a community college, not the Sheriff’s department. When it is time to do the firearms instruction, you have two choices: you can use your own firearm if it was one of the authorized service pistols, or you can borrow one from the academy. If you borrow one, you need a driver’s license for proof of identity in case something happens to the firearm.)

Student: “Well, I don’t have my license.”

Deputy #1: “Then we can’t loan you the pistol.”

Student: “But I need to do this range stuff to graduate, right?”

Deputy #1: “Yes. That is why we tell people to bring their license if they need to borrow a firearm. We cannot lend you one without it.”

Student: “I can’t bring one in. I don’t have a license right now.”

Deputy #2: “What? I saw you drive up here. What do you mean you don’t have a license now?”

Student: “Well, it was suspended.”

Deputy Sergeant: “Did you just tell us you are driving on a suspended license?”

Student: “Yeah. It sucks.”

(Deputy #1 and #2 share a look.)

Deputy Sergeant: “So which car is yours?”

(The student points it out.)

Deputy Sergeant: “And you drove that here on a suspended license?”

Student: “Yeah. Like I said, it sucks.”

Deputy Sergeant: “Okay, well, let me see what I can do.”

(The deputy sergeant goes to the office, and comes back about 15 minutes later.)

Deputy Sergeant: “When you found out that your license was suspended, did they also inform you that it was for a failure to appear on your drunk driving case and that there was a warrant for your arrest?”

Student: “Uh, let me think… Yeah. There was something like that in the letter.”

Deputy Sergeant: “Well, that warrant is why you are under arrest.”

Student: “What!?”

(The rest of the class was amazed at the idiocy that this guy displayed. His mom came by later to get the car. She was not pleased with her son, and she had no idea he even had a drunk driving incident!)

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You Can’t Combat Stupidity

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Right | March 10, 2014

(I teach a martial art sport. A girl starts in August, completes the beginner test, and graduates up into the competitive group. I advise her and her mother in writing and verbally that the girl must upgrade her national association membership from a learning one to a competitive one in order to continue her training and compete. A few months later, the girl is entering her first official tournament.)

Tournament Manager: “I see that your daughter has a learning membership, not a competitive one. She will need to upgrade her membership before she can compete. I can offer you the use of my computer to do so.”

(While the manager sets up the computer, I walk up to the desk and ask what’s going on. The manager tells me. The mother looks from him to me saying, with a perfectly straight face:)

Mother: “I wasn’t told that I had to do that.”

(I am sure my face twitches a bit when I bite my tongue. I keep quiet and maintain eye contact. The mother squirms a moment then adds:)

Mother: “I mean, you told me to do it, but, you know, you didn’t really tell me to do it.”

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Trying Not To Read Ahead

| Iceland | Right | March 10, 2014

(I’m working the checkout counter when a cheerful old man, one of our regulars, comes to check out a book.)

Customer: “Do you also have that autobiography by [Author]?”

Me: “Let me check… Yes, we do have it. Would you like me to get it for you?”

Customer: “Oh, no. I’ll borrow it at a later date. I only ever borrow one book at a time, you know. After all, I’m in my 90s now. I might not live to return it!”

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