Putting The Pee Into Preparation

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Right | March 14, 2014

(I work in a radiology practice. I have just finished booking an appointment for a patient for the following day and am explaining the preparation procedure for his examination.)

Me: “One hour prior to your appointment, you will need to drink six glasses of water and hold your bladder.”

Patient: *nods slowly, but clearly does not understand*

Me: “Do you understand the preparation, sir?”

Patient: “Oh, yes. Yes, of course.” *nods vigorously*

(Unconvinced, I write him an appointment card and explain the procedure again. A short while later, the patient returns.)

Patient: “I, um, just have one question regarding that preparation.”

Me: “Yes, drinking the water and holding the bladder.”

Patient: “Yep. So, where do I get a bladder from? Can you just buy them from the chemist?”

Me: “Sir, you already have a bladder. It’s a part of your urinary tract system. It’s an organ inside your body.”

Customer: “Oh, okay! I get you! I get you! So… I don’t need to go to the chemist?”

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First Class Has No Class

| France | Right | March 14, 2014

(A group of friends and I are just coming back from backpacking in southern France when our train breaks down. All passengers are advised to take another train; however, it is already full. As there is no more standing room in the second class, we head to the first class. We ask the ticket inspector if it is allowed. He says it’s fine. A group of businessmen in suits already seated in the first class seem to disagree and call the ticket inspector over.)

Businessman: “Excuse me? Could you please check the tickets of those youngsters? They don’t look like they would have tickets to the first class.”

Ticket Inspector: “They don’t indeed. However, second class is completely full.”

Businessman: “I understand that. However, I am paying your train company several thousands a year and for that, I expect a certain level of service. I am from Switzerland and own a large company myself! Those people only paid for one second class ticket and probably got it from a sale!”

Ticket Inspector: “Again, I apologise. They have paid for their ticket and they have a right to get to Paris, same as you.”

Businessman: “I will be calling your company to let them know about this situation!”

Ticket Inspector: “All right, then, sir. I will chase them out of this compartment. As there is no more space for standing, I will have to stop this train here. They will have to get off here and walk to the next town, and the train will be even more delayed. But at least you, the important businessman, will not have to be near those students. Is that what you want?”

(The businessman gets silent. The people he is travelling with are visibly uncomfortable.)

Ticket inspector: “If you wish to call and complain about me to the company, be my guest. Good bye, sir.”

(On his way out of the first class, the ticket inspector smiles and wishes us a pleasant trip. I only wish I could have bought this man a drink!)

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He’s Driving an ’05 Pontiac Paradox

| Salisbury, MD, USA | Right | March 14, 2014

(I receive a call from a customer who speaks in a completely serious, business-like tone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [National Auto Parts Store]. This is [My Name] speaking. What are you working on today?”

Customer: “I have a 2005 Pontiac Grand Prix, and I need a Flux Capacitor.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Did you say you need a Flux Capacitor?”

Customer: “Yes. Do you have one?”

Me: “No, the only one who has one of those would be ‘Doc Brown.'”

Customer: “Where are they located?”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure where he is at this point in time…”

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Has Beef With You

| VA, USA | Right | March 13, 2014

(I own and operate a small ranch in Virginia. We sell all natural grass fed beef, all natural pork, and free range chickens. We also sell cheeses, eggs, and also have a few goats for milk and cheese, etc. A customer calls up wanting information about our operation.)

Me: “Hello, [Company Name]. This is [My Name], What can I do for you today?”

Caller: “Yes, are your cows vegetarian?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, they are. We only feed them grass and hay. Hay is a type of grass so, yes, they eat no meat products at all. We use no antibiotics or hormones—”

Caller: “NO, NO, NO! Are your cows vegetarian!?”

Me: “Ma’am, I do not understand what you are asking me.”

Caller: “You farm people are all dumb! My daughter and her friends do not eat meat! They are vegan and we want to have steak for dinner! So now I’m going to ask you: are you cows vegetarian?”

Me: “Are you asking me if my steaks are not made from meat?”

Caller: “No, I know steak is made from meat! I want to know if your cows are vegetarian?!”

Me: “Ma’am, all cows are meat. Everything we take off them during butchering is meat. I am not sure, are you asking me for meat that isn’t meat?”

Caller: “Well, your advertising on your website says you are all natural. That is false advertising!”

Me: “I am not sure how. We keep our cows free from additives and—”

Caller: “Look, I’m not stupid. Before you turn cows into beef, what are they?”

Me: “Cows.”

Caller: “Exactly. So why can’t I get all natural cow instead of beef?”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t sell you a live cow. I think you need to find another place to get your meat.”

Caller: “I will not be talked to like this! I want to talk to your manager!”

Me: “You are talking to the owner. I am sorry you think that an animal is not meat until after it dies, but I will not sell you a live cow to eat! I am also sorry you are too stupid to understand that this is a cattle ranch and we sell our own beef. Beef is meat, meat is not vegan. Please call another company that specializes in vegan food!”

(I hang up on her. Two weeks go by and she calls me back.)

Caller: “I talked to you a couple weeks ago and I just want to let you know that we bought steak from the farmer’s market at (location). We had a wonderful dinner!”

Me: “Oh, you were at the farmer’s market at [location]?”

Caller: “Yes, and the woman there sold us vegetarian cow! You know, cow for vegans! My daughter said she and her friends always eat steak from the woman that sells cow there.”

Me: “So your daughter is vegan, huh?”

Caller: “Well, yeah. She won’t eat chicken!”

(I gave up and I told her I would look into selling vegetarian ‘COW.’ I did not have the heart to tell her that she bought my meat. I am the only one allowed to sell at that particular market and my neighbor’s daughter works for me selling at that location. I also didn’t bother to go into her daughter not being vegan!)

Related:
He Has Beef With You

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Try Not To Sweat The Sweat Shop

, , | USA | Right | March 13, 2014

(I am in a fitting room, and I overhear a conversation.)

Customer: “I like this top, and this dress, but it doesn’t quite fit well. Do you guys have another one of the same size in the back?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I know for a fact that that top is the last one we have, and that dress is the last one we have in that size.”

Customer: “Oh… That’s okay. I can wait.”

Coworker: “…”

Customer: “…”

Coworker: “Umm… May I ask what you’re waiting for?”

(The customer leans in to whisper loud enough for everyone in the sixteen fitting room area to hear.)

Customer: “I don’t mean to sound racist or nothing like that… but… like… don’t you guys have little Asian kids in the back to make these?”

Coworker: “Umm… I’m sorry, no… We’re not a sweatshop. All our merchandise is legal.”

Customer: “Oh… Okay…”  *leaves*

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