Knowledge Of Cows Is A Bit Green

| Madison, TN, USA | Right | April 16, 2014

(A customer is looking around.)

Me: “Ma’am, can I help you look for something?”

Customer: “Yes. I’m looking for a green leather couch.”

Me: “At this time, we have sold all of our green leather couches, but we can order one for you.”

Customer: “I’m not stupid you know. The leather comes in green!”

Me: “Ma’am, rawhide color of leather is a tanned beige color. It has to be dyed a specific color then it is processed and installed on a frame.”

Customer: “Are you saying I’m stupid?”

Me: “No, ma’am. You’re just not gonna find a green cow anywhere!”

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Fortune Favors The Foretold

| USA | Right | April 16, 2014

(A customer walks up to bookstore counter. Our bookstore isn’t very big, and it doesn’t have a lot of employees, but a lot of regulars.)

Me: “Are you having trouble finding any books?”

Customer: “I need my fortune told!”

Me: “I’m sorry. This is a bookstore. We don’t do fortune telling.”

Customer: “I need my fortune told!”

Me: “Again, we don’t do fortunes. But if you need to find a book, I can get someone to help you.”

Customer: “I NEED MY FORTUNE TOLD!”

(At this point I realize it’s easier to give the customer her fortune, real or not, than to try to explain that, no, this is not a fortune telling area.)

Me: “Okay, okay. Give me your hand.”

Customer: “What? Really? Oh, thank you. Thank you!”

(Customer eagerly gives me her hand, palm up. I stare intensely at it, tracing each line and muttering to myself.)

Me: *looks up* “Your future…”

Customer: “YES!?”

Me: “Your future is uncertain.”

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Adjourning A Returning

| NY, USA | Right | April 16, 2014

(I manage a furniture store. A regular customer is the wife of the owner of several car dealerships in our area. Over the years she has made many purchases, always custom orders from the factory, and not once had accepted the original piece. Sometimes chairs have been reordered multiple times before she would find one she found acceptable. I see her working with one of our designers. After the sale was written, I cringe when I see she has ordered a recliner in the most expensive leather we carry. I decide to develop a plan, as we would never be able to sell this chair if she returned it. On the day of delivery, I approach the drivers.)

Me: “Bring the chair to the showroom, please.”

Driver: “But we have this down for delivery.”

Me: “Please, just bring it in. You’ll see.”

(The drivers bring it in, and I take a hammer and smash the frame of the swivel base. I then hand the drivers a new swivel base.)

Me: “Please deliver the chair with the smashed base.”

(Of course, on delivery, the customer saw the damage and insisted on a new chair. My drivers took the chair to their truck, replaced the damaged base and brought the same chair back into the house. She accepted the chair. That was the first (of many) custom orders she never returned!)

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There’s A Twist At The End

, | AR, USA | Right | April 15, 2014

(I serve ice cream on a buffet line in the college’s cafeteria. There’s vanilla, chocolate, and twist on the soft serve machine.)

Student: “Can I have some soft serve vanilla ice cream?”

Me: “I’m sorry, we ran out.”

Student: “Oh. Then can I have the twist?”

Just Paper Cut Right To It

| FL, USA | Right | April 15, 2014

(I answer the phone at work.)

Customer: “Hi. My name is [Name] and I am with [Gentlemen’s Club].  I am going to need to order some change.”

Me: “Okay. What will you need?”

Customer: “I need $1,400 in old ones.”

Me: “I believe I have $1,400 in ones, but I am not sure if they are all old.”

Customer: “Oh, I have to have old ‘ones’ because the new ones give the strippers paper cuts.”

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