Respect Your Zombie Elders

| Delaware, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top

(I am a customer at a very popular superstore in my town. I have my five-year-old daughter in line with me. An elderly customer is in front of me talking to the cashier.)

Cashier: “Hello, how can I help—”

Customer: “How dare you.”

Cashier: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “How dare you wear that keychain!”

Cashier: “I don’t understand.”

Customer: “That!”

(The customer points at the cashier’s keychain, which has a zombie on it.)

Customer: “How could you support that man in Florida? He ate another man’s face while he was naked! How dare you!”

(The cashier is completely stunned, but my daughter suddenly steps up to the aggravated woman.)

My Daughter: “Lady, that man wasn’t a zombie. He was just crazy. Zombie’s aren’t real! You should know that. You’re about a hundred!”

June Top Story Roundup

Not Always Right | Roundups

June Top Story Roundup: From a bite-sized Batman to bigots getting the boot, here are our top-rated stories for the month of June!

  1. The Dark Chocolate Knight (3,446 thumbs up)
    Gotham is safe, as long as this pint-sized Batman is around!
  2. Alls Well That Bookends Well (3,004 thumbs up)
    Two former pranksters fess-up and pay-up for their past shennanigans.
  3. To Conjugate A Thief (2,479 thumbs up)
    If you’re gonna steal, don’t say it in a foreign language the employee knows!
  4. Dingbats In The Drive-Thru (2,474 thumbs up)
    A careless, door-dinging customer gets caught red-handed.
  5. Intolerable Intolerance (2,377 thumbs up)
    A bigoted couple gets the boot from a couple in love!

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Water You, Stupid, Part 10

| Seattle, WA, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

(Due to a broken water line in the apartments above, our copy shop has been flooded and needs to be closed. All power to the building is shut off and we are currently trying to clean up the mess. Despite this, a customer walks past the barricade and orange cones. I find her standing at one of the copy machines in ankle-deep water while wearing high heels.)

Customer: “Why aren’t your machines on?”

Manager: “Ma’am, the store is flooded.”

Customer: “But your doors are unlocked! Everything should be on!”

Manager: “Ma’am, we are currently in the process of removing everything that was damaged, so we need the doors unlocked to take stuff out.”

Customer: “Well, this is terrible. I’m contacting your corporate office. If your doors are unlocked, everything should be working!” *storms out*

Related:
Water You, Stupid, Part 9
Water You, Stupid, Part 8
Water You, Stupid, Part 7
Water You, Stupid, Part 6
Water You, Stupid, Part 5
Water You, Stupid, Part 4
Water You, Stupid, Part 3
Water You, Stupid, Part 2
Water You, Stupid

Power Trips Of Ten

| New Port Richey, FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Language & Words

(I work for a company that sends techs out to repair TVs and computers in customers’ homes. We have an automated call that goes out to confirm customers’ contact information and addresses. One day, a customer calls in.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [business]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I got that auto-call and it got my address wrong.”

Me: “Okay, just a second…”

(I pull up the customer’s information.)

Me: “Okay, I see that we have the address listed as 1-3-6 West—”

Caller: “NO! It’s ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SIX! It’s NOT ONE-THREE-SIX!”

Me: *confused*

Caller: “You fix that, okay?”

Me: “Sure…sir. I’ll…update that right now for you.”

Caller: “Thanks…bye!” *click*

Sour On Devouring Flowers

| Northern California, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(I’m working at a stall selling flowers in a popular farmer’s market. We have a large sign reading “EDIBLE FLOWERS!” to sell nasturtiums and organic, pesticide-free roses. A customer approaches.)

Customer: “Edible flowers? Are they made of sugar or something?”

Me: “No, sir! These are organically-grown flowers that are entirely edible. They’re usually used to add color to salads or as a garnish.”

Customer: “Like what?”

Me: “Well, these rose petals add color and a romantic flair to a dish, but they don’t have much flavor, rather like celery. Personally, I like the nasturtiums. They’re rather peppery and tasty. Would you like to try one?”

Customer: “You’re just putting me on, aren’t you?”

Me: “Not at all! Here, see?”

(I pick up one of the loose nasturtiums off the counter, pluck a petal off and eat it.)

Customer: “All right, I’ll try it.”

(I pluck another petal off the same flower and hand it to him. He puts it in his mouth and I see a pleasantly surprised expression spread across his face. I grin, happy to see he’s enjoying it.)

Customer: “HEY! Why’re you laughing at me?!”

Me: “Huh? I’m not laughing, I was smiling since you seem to be—”

Customer: “YOU TRICKED ME! I bet these aren’t edible at all! I’m gonna sue you!”

Me: “Sir, you just watched me eat part of the same flower—”

Customer: “You grow ’em! I bet you’ve developed an immunity and stuff! You tried to poison me, and now you’re laughing at me! I’m gonna sue you and then I’LL be the one laughing!” *storms off*

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